I could say that it is one of the best years of my life … But when i look back? No. Not entirely.
2012 has brought me many things, it has certainly brought me happy moments. Schooling wise, it has been amazing. I graduated high school, meeting friends that i will never forget. I earned myself a high OP, the exact one i need to get into Uni. It opened my eyes to the Military life-style. It showed me how strongly i can feel for someone and what I’ll do for the people i love. 2012 helped my in many ways, but it also showed me what heart break is like. It showed me how my emotions can sky rocket & plunge back down in a matter of seconds. It showed me what it was like to fear for the future. How it felt to have my heart hurt every day because there was no way I could be with the one i loved. I think i cried more in this year than i ever have in my life.
At the end of 2012, my world stopped spinning. I lost my best friend, i lost my boyfriend and the future i thought we had together. I lost a lot of things i had wanted. But in the days, the week the followed my break up I started to see things a little clearer … A sort of relief is washing over me. I still don’t know entirely what i’m feeling, or what i should be doing with those emotions. But i do know that i don’t always feel sad now. I just feel numb. I have nothing more to give him & i know that i am healing.
I wish 2012 could of given me better luck, but i’m hoping that is what God is saving for me in 2013.
I think i have just come up with a great idea once i get back home.
I have so many pictures of both my exs & i know that i have gotten over my first ex but i was thinking of the whole letting go thing. And what if i did something physical, visual. I thought of printing off the pictures i have of both relationships & putting them in a big photo album, letting myself cry.
And then once i have put all my photos in there, to close it … Put it in a plastic box, or deep in my draws & turn away. That way physically closing a chapter of my life & starting a new one. Closing the book on my ex & letting the memories fade. Because all week i have been clinging to those memories & as much as i dont think i miss him, as much as i want to deny to myself that im not hurting badly, i am. Not during the day but i am during the night. When im alone with my headphones & my thoughts.
I think this will be good. He will be leaving to go back to base soon enough & i wont see him anymore … Probably never again. Do you know how strange that feels? To think, to know that i will probably never see my “best friend”, a guy i thought i knew/have known my whole life, again …?
Weird. Strange. Sad.
He just pretended too much. He tried too hard for something he wasn’t going to feel, with any girl. Which is why he likes the chase so much .. To feel some sort of thrill, to fool himself into thinking he’s feeling something ‘real’.
And unless he gets some help, he will never feel those feelings.
But i can’t belong in his world anymore. I truly believe that i did love him, but he did such a good job in letting me go, leaving no doubt about his mental state & feelings that even if he asked for me back i wouldn’t go. Probably no even as his friend. I can’t trust him, no part of him. He had me fooled & i feel like an idiot … But neither of us belong together anymore.
We had some amazing moments, ones that i know he didn’t fake and that’s enough for me. I know in a few months he will contact me again, its his pattern & that will be a test of my strength.
I wish with all my heart that i could be there, that i could help him & support him. But i can’t.
He gave me the picture of a almost perfect, flawless boyfriend & if he stays in my life i wont be able to let that go. I will just fool myself into thinking that side of him was real .. Not a fake. And no future guy can compete with that. No one can compete with a perfect memory.
No matter what either of us may want in a couple of months, we can’t be in each other’s worlds anymore …
I had a few other posts on this blog but i deleted them. They were history but didn’t see appropriate anymore.
This blog as been inactive for almost a whole year. During that time so much has changed & looking back i am filled with heartache.
I decided to start this blog again after my boyfriend of 21 months & i broke up … this Saturday. I originally had this blog to dedicate it to him and the Military journey i embarked with him. He started Boot camp in May this year, graduating in July & starting his next lot of training almost straight after. I thought he was the one i was going to be with forever. We spent hours talking about the future & we both spent hundreds of $$ to fly me down to see him almost every month his year since June.
But no. We broke up & the kindest way i can say it is, we were both moving in different directions. We both wanted different things & it was time to let go before we started really hurting each other.
I would of given everything for him & i was ready to have a serious future with him but he sat me down & told me basically they worst thing a guy could tell a girl. He has been acting all this time. He was trying to feel something but he couldn’t. He had been lying to himself & me for 21 months & basically our whole relationship hadn’t been real. That news kills me. I love/d him & i know that it will take me awhile to recover from this blow. He had been my best friend & my neighbor for my whole life. To lose him like this has been a major blow & my heart is still shattered. There are some days that i feel ok, but then there are others were it take everything i have not to break down & cry.
I still can’t believe I have lost him.
But everyone moves on. I have to. I can’t stay stuck on him. He played me, maybe not totally intentionally but he did play me. He did use me & neither him or I can deny that. He was the perfect, flawless boyfriend & i am struggling to figure out which memories & feelings he faked & which he found real.
Everything i have known about him for 17 years seems to be a lie & i am finding it very hard to understand anything anymore. But i know i will get through this. I have Uni next year and i will meet new people. It might take me a while to get over him but i will do it eventually.
I will never forget Him. I wont ever forget the memories he gave me & how he made me feel. It is going to be a hard and unforgiving journey, one which i will probably make lost of mistakes along the way … But i am, i have to be ready to take it on. Just as i readily jumped into being a Air Force girlfriend with him, i have to be ready to jump into the unknown & trust God has a place for me in this world.