I had a few other posts on this blog but i deleted them. They were history but didn’t see appropriate anymore.
This blog as been inactive for almost a whole year. During that time so much has changed & looking back i am filled with heartache.
I decided to start this blog again after my boyfriend of 21 months & i broke up … this Saturday. I originally had this blog to dedicate it to him and the Military journey i embarked with him. He started Boot camp in May this year, graduating in July & starting his next lot of training almost straight after. I thought he was the one i was going to be with forever. We spent hours talking about the future & we both spent hundreds of $$ to fly me down to see him almost every month his year since June.
But no. We broke up & the kindest way i can say it is, we were both moving in different directions. We both wanted different things & it was time to let go before we started really hurting each other.
I would of given everything for him & i was ready to have a serious future with him but he sat me down & told me basically they worst thing a guy could tell a girl. He has been acting all this time. He was trying to feel something but he couldn’t. He had been lying to himself & me for 21 months & basically our whole relationship hadn’t been real. That news kills me. I love/d him & i know that it will take me awhile to recover from this blow. He had been my best friend & my neighbor for my whole life. To lose him like this has been a major blow & my heart is still shattered. There are some days that i feel ok, but then there are others were it take everything i have not to break down & cry.
I still can’t believe I have lost him.
But everyone moves on. I have to. I can’t stay stuck on him. He played me, maybe not totally intentionally but he did play me. He did use me & neither him or I can deny that. He was the perfect, flawless boyfriend & i am struggling to figure out which memories & feelings he faked & which he found real.
Everything i have known about him for 17 years seems to be a lie & i am finding it very hard to understand anything anymore. But i know i will get through this. I have Uni next year and i will meet new people. It might take me a while to get over him but i will do it eventually.
I will never forget Him. I wont ever forget the memories he gave me & how he made me feel. It is going to be a hard and unforgiving journey, one which i will probably make lost of mistakes along the way … But i am, i have to be ready to take it on. Just as i readily jumped into being a Air Force girlfriend with him, i have to be ready to jump into the unknown & trust God has a place for me in this world.