Since the 22nd December I have been alone.
Sure I have been constantly surrounded by people but not the one I really wanted. After the break up, as you can read, I had all intentions to cut him from my life. I was going to try to forget everything. After all, he had lied to me, he had looked me in the eyes, smiled and told me over and over again that he loved me. When someone says that to me, I take it to heart. Especially if it is my boyfriend. I also don’t trust easily and i gave it all to him. I handed over my heart, complete with my trust and asked him not to break it. Not only did he do that, he did it twice. And if he had told me the truth the first time we broke up I would of never taken him back.
Maybe he knew that?
But that aside, I wasn’t able to cut him completely from my life. For a week i was able to. I was able to forget, almost, about him. But once i returned home, there was a text waiting for me from him. Just as i was starting to feel better, readying myself for a life without him, I saw a text on my phone. Of course it was from him. Saying everything from, “please don’t forget me”, “i miss you”, “i’m so sorry”. The usual. And after reading that, my heart just crumbled. God, it just broke apart once more. All the healing i went through, just dissolved into a puddle. I replied. He gave me a text back. And we went from there. We met up. We talked and talked, going over and over things. The walls I had built up crashed down just at one touch from him. The guy that had been my best friend for my whole life, who had put me through hell, who had dragged me through the military life and who had broken my heart at the end of it all, could some how break those walls down again. I was furious. Not only with him but myself.
After spending some nights alone with him, something changed. It was the last night we had together, the third or fourth night he had left at “home” before he left again when it all came crashing down. Before that night I had felt happy again. But as the days and nights wore on, it was almost like a strangled happiness. I knew we weren’t together, I knew he didn’t love me. The night that it all changed, changed me. It changed him. It changed everything. After that night he put a wall up, a sarcastic wall. The one i hadn’t seen in a long time, not since I’d been in year ten … almost four years ago. It was the wall i thought I had broken down. It was the one i hated. It was confusing, frustrating and upsetting. This wall he guarded himself with pushed you away and then reeled you back in. You didn’t know where you stood with him, whether or not he actually wanted to talk to you. You didn’t know if he cared or if he was just pretending. This was the wall I had tried for years to knock down. And it was what hurt the most.
After that night I have only seen glimpses. A text here and there will show me that he is hurt, that he does miss me. And then it will shoot back up and knock me off my feet again. I am constantly on a emotional roller-coaster. Everyone tells me to leave. Ignore him and have nothing to do with him ever again. Some days I think i can do it … Other days I remember back to what we had, or what i thought we had. I remember the memories, the times we lent on each other. I remember everything and that is what keeps me replying to him.
In a way, I have distanced myself from him. He told me that he was going to work on himself and then in a year or so (maybe longer) come back to me. That sparked hope in me. But after our last night together, after really seeing how he treats me & how little time he has for me, I no longer hold out hope that we will ever get back together. I had no hope that he will ever love me. I still remember how happy I felt when i was with him, how proud I was (am) of him and how i just wanted to scream it out to the world. I thought he was amazing. I thought he was the one i was going to be with forever .. As cheesy as that sounds. We had discussed it many times, he mostly brought it up and I thought it was a real possiblity.
As the days roll past and as I start looking for job and preparing myself for Uni, I am starting to feel myself heal. I miss him terribly, but that is all it is. He has done far too much damage to allow me to let him back in completely. I am in no way near over him, or ready to start dating again but I’m starting to feel okay again. The ache is still there but I am able to eat again. I am able to sleep and go out with friends again. I am able to look forward to the next day and allow myself to get excited over the future. I know it is all in God’s hands now. Once i though I had lost my partner in life, I’d felt utterly alone and miserable but now I am able to smile and laugh. I am completely ok with being single and not knowing that i have a secure future with someone. I know that he will come along when the time is right. I will find the person I’m going to be married to in time. For now I’ll just go along with this.
After all … If my ex and I are really meant to be together, he will find a way back to me. He will do everything possible to help himself & he will find his way back. If not … We will both move on eventually.