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All posts for the month January, 2013

One of “those” days

Published January 31, 2013 by Tasha

Today is just one of those days.
I use to have them when my Airman & i were still dating. My heart would hurt because i was missing him so much. But back then at least i could smile at our photos, send him a text, read over the cute ones he’d sent me that morning or the night before. I could look forward to our future & the next time i’d be flying down to see him. I could plan & watch those military homecomings on youtube. And then before i knew it I was smiling & my heart was lifting …

Now … I can’t look at those photos because they’re blurred with tears. I can’t read those texts because i have to scroll past the ones he sent me just before we broke up. I can’t send him a text saying I love him & miss him because we aren’t together anymore. And i can’t look forward to our future together because we have none. I can’t smile about getting plane tickets & seeing his buddies, because that will never happen again.

As much as the distance sucked, as much as i missed him … that was so much better than this. This is agony & i don’t know how much more of this I can stand.
At least when my heart was hurting i could go to him.

I wish more than anything I still had him.

God … I am a mess …

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# 1 – Letters to Him

Published January 30, 2013 by Tasha

To the guy that brought down my world,

I have just one question for you: Why?
I know that you said that you don’t love me. That you never did. That all you were doing was pretending. Right. Okay i get that. But how, after everything you said and did, after everything we went through together and everything we overcome, after planning our future out over and over, after 21 months can you say you faked it all? How can someone who I’ve known since a baby act that well? You opened up to me completely, told me things you never dared to tell anyone else, or admit to yourself. The way you looked at me was full of love (or at least I thought it was).
You cannot say that you faked our last weekend together. You were beside yourself in happiness. You were so obviously in love with me even the guards at the front gate couldn’t mistake it.

I was yours and you were mine.

What changed??

I am struggling.
I have tried hating you. I have tried deleting you from my life. I have tried crying over you. I have trying being so insanely busy that i can’t even think straight. Nothing is helping. Nothing is healing me.
I am fighting so hard to keep myself from drowning. It is tiring faking a smile, saying to everyone that “i’m ok” and “I’m coping just fine without you.” That it doesn’t hurt because “I am so use to you not being there.”
I can’t do this anymore.

People say to trust your gut. That your first instinct is usually the right one. Well guess what? That is screaming at me, telling me that you aren’t telling the truth. That for some reason you lied to me about not loving me and there’s another reason why we broke up.
But then why? Why did we break up? Everything was going perfectly fine. We were going to have an amazing summer together ….

I think i want to die.
This is destroying me slowly … Chip by chip.
Some days it still feels like a dream and I’m hoping that you’ll send me your “good morning, my beautiful girl. Hope you have a great day. I miss you and love you” text.

And after everything, i still want you back. After all the shit you have put me through. After everything that has happened. I still want you. Only you.

Don’t you understand how happy you made me?

Adding to My Blog

Published January 30, 2013 by Tasha

So … I’m going to add another segment to my blog. If i knew what I was doing, or if this type of blog supported it I would add it to another page .. But I tried and I can’t.

I’m adding a thing that I called, “Letters to Him.”
I don’t know how long it will go for. It could follow my journey and help me get over him. Or I could write a few and stop.
It is going to help my creative writing as I step into Uni this year and help me get things off my chest. I need to vent. There is so much hurt, pain, confusion and god only know’s what else inside of me that sooner or later I’m going to explode … Or die of feeling too much bad things.

So here goes nothing … Everything that I want to say to him …

Just A Heartbreak Wrapped Up In A Smile

Published January 24, 2013 by Tasha

I heard from Him today. About an hour ago actually.
It’s like talking to a stranger. Like all our feeling, our history and all we’ve known about each other has just been thrown away. I don’t know what to say to him .. I don’t even know what I feel anymore.
Am I numb? Beyond hurt that I can’t feel anything?
Or don’t I just care anymore?

Honestly, I look forward to flirting with these two other guy’s that I’ve been talking to recently than Him. I know he’s my ex, I know he shouldn’t be in my life anymore. I know that all he does it hurt me and he just likes the chase.
I just wish that it hadn’t ended the way it had. I would give anything to be able to help him feel love for anyone. Even if I wasn’t the girl he fell for, I would give anything to give him that gift.

God … Why? Why is it like this? Why can’t I just cut him out of my life? Why do I keep clinging to him?
I know that nothing will happen again .. Ever. Nothing serious anyway …
So why am I still texting him back? Why am I even still thinking about a guy who lied to me for 21 months?

Every time I hear from him I say to myself “this is it! I have had enough. Next time he texts me I won’t even bother replying.” But each time I see his name flash up on my screen, it’s like a automatic response … I take my phone into my hands and type a reply. It’s like an addiction and I can’t stop.

I don’t even have the strength to delete his text as soon as it comes in. Once I did. I had the strength to delete everything from him. His number, pictures, any contact to him … And then he sent me one big text. I replied and we saw each other … And now, I’m back here.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Sweetie, All You Are Is A Heartbreak Wrapped Up In A Nice Smile …

The War Is Over – Kelly Clarkson

Published January 22, 2013 by Tasha

I have been listening to this song over & over & over … & over! It has given me such strength in the past week. It continues to remind me of so many things and it will continue to strengthen & heal my heart until all the pieces are glued back together.
If you listen to this song carefully, or read these lyrics I’m sure a lot of you will find truth. If not from your own personal experience but maybe from a family member’s or a close friend.
The whole song has spoken to me but he bold bits are what have stood out the most and given me the shove in the right direction.
Enjoy beautifuls!

I watch the days rush by me like a river
I shouldn’t wait, but I’m scared to touch the water
I let the phone ring, why won’t you believe
I wait for silence, takes a lot not to answer

All I have to say is
You don’t deserve me, you don’t deserve me
I’m finally walking away
Cause you don’t deserve me, and you’re not worthy

[Chorus]
And I won’t let you pour me in
Because I know you’re gonna win
(The war is over) but the war is over (The war is over)
And I won’t fight you anymore
I never been so sure
(The war is over) cuz the war is over

I used to let you paint ’em pretty pictures
You got me caught up with your, you’re my girl forever
So I forgive you, it felt good when you hold me
Yeah you owned me
Now you wish you had really known me

All I have to say is you don’t deserve me, you don’t deserve me
I’m finally walking away, cuz you only hurt me
And you’re not worthy

[Chorus]
And I won’t let you pour me in

Because I know you’re gonna win
(The war is over) but the war is over (The war is over)
And I won’t fight you anymore
I never been so sure
(The war is over)

This is not my surrender
I’m not running for cover
I’m right here, I know you see me
But your words don’t longer deceive me
In the night
When you’re lonely, you remember how much you miss me
So you call, well I swear
You can try a million times, you’ll get the same message

All I have to say is you don’t deserve me, you don’t deserve me
I’m finally walking away, cuz you only hurt me
And you’re not worthy

[Chorus]
And I won’t let you pour me in
Because I know you’re gonna win
(The war is over) but the war is over (The war is over)

The war is over, The war is over
The war is over
The war is over
The war is over
The war is over
The war is over

Slowly Healing

Published January 22, 2013 by Tasha

Since the 22nd December I have been alone.
Sure I have been constantly surrounded by people but not the one I really wanted. After the break up, as you can read, I had all intentions to cut him from my life. I was going to try to forget everything. After all, he had lied to me, he had looked me in the eyes, smiled and told me over and over again that he loved me. When someone says that to me, I take it to heart. Especially if it is my boyfriend. I also don’t trust easily and i gave it all to him. I handed over my heart, complete with my trust and asked him not to break it. Not only did he do that, he did it twice. And if  he had told me the truth the first time we broke up I would of never taken him back.
Maybe he knew that?

But that aside, I wasn’t able to cut him completely from my life. For a week i was able to. I was able to forget, almost, about him. But once i returned home, there was a text waiting for me from him. Just as i was starting to feel better, readying myself for a life without him, I saw a text on my phone. Of course it was from him. Saying everything from, “please don’t forget me”, “i miss you”, “i’m so sorry”. The usual. And after reading that, my heart just crumbled. God, it just broke apart once more. All the healing i went through, just dissolved into a puddle. I replied. He gave me a text back. And we went from there. We met up. We talked and talked, going over and over things. The walls I had built up crashed down just at one touch from him. The guy that had been my best friend for my whole life, who had put me through hell, who had dragged me through the military life and who had broken my heart at the end of it all, could some how break those walls down again. I was furious. Not only with him but myself.

After spending some nights alone with him, something changed. It was the last night we had together, the third or fourth night he had left at “home” before he left again when it all came crashing down. Before that night I had felt happy again. But as the days and nights wore on, it was almost like a strangled happiness. I knew we weren’t together, I knew he didn’t love me. The night that it all changed, changed me. It changed him. It changed everything. After that night he put a wall up, a sarcastic wall. The one i hadn’t seen in a long time, not since I’d been in year ten … almost four years ago. It was the wall i thought I had broken down. It was the one i hated. It was confusing, frustrating and upsetting. This wall he guarded himself with pushed you away and then reeled you back in. You didn’t know where you stood with him, whether or not he actually wanted to talk to you. You didn’t know if he cared or if he was just pretending. This was the wall I had tried for years to knock down. And it was what hurt the most.
After that night I have only seen glimpses. A text here and there will show me that he is hurt, that he does miss me. And then it will shoot back up and knock me off my feet again. I am constantly on a emotional roller-coaster. Everyone tells me to leave. Ignore him and have nothing to do with him ever again. Some days I think i can do it … Other days I remember back to what we had, or what i thought we had. I remember the memories, the times we lent on each other. I remember everything and that is what keeps me replying to him.

In a way, I have distanced myself from him. He told me that he was going to work on himself and then in a year or so (maybe longer) come back to me. That sparked hope in me. But after our last night together, after really seeing how he treats me & how little time he has for me, I no longer hold out hope that we will ever get back together. I had no hope that he will ever love me. I still remember how happy I felt when i was with him, how proud I was (am) of him and how i just wanted to scream it out to the world. I thought he was amazing. I thought he was the one i was going to be with forever .. As cheesy as that sounds. We had discussed it many times, he mostly brought it up and I thought it was a real possiblity.

As the days roll past and as I start looking for job and preparing myself for Uni, I am starting to feel myself heal. I miss him terribly, but that is all it is. He has done far too much damage to allow me to let him back in completely. I am in no way near over him, or ready to start dating again but I’m starting to feel okay again. The ache is still there but I am able to eat again. I am able to sleep and go out with friends again. I am able to look forward to the next day and allow myself to get excited over the future. I know it is all in God’s hands now. Once i though I had lost my partner in life, I’d felt utterly alone and miserable but now I am able to smile and laugh. I am completely ok with being single and not knowing that i have a secure future with someone. I know that he will come along when the time is right. I will find the person I’m going to be married to in time. For now I’ll just go along with this.

After all … If my ex and I are really meant to be together, he will find a way back to me. He will do everything possible to help himself & he will find his way back. If not … We will both move on eventually.