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All posts for the month February, 2013

You Aren’t Alone

Published February 27, 2013 by Tasha

To be totally honest with you, I thought I’d never make it through without Him …. my now ex, I mean. I thought that I would just continue to hurt and hurt and hurt. I also thought he would come along and rescue me, just like he did the last time. I never thought that telling him goodbye would be the kindest thing that I ever did for myself.

It felt like there would be no way through the hurt. It felt like I would always be falling. Most days I didn’t even want to get out of bed, I just wanted to curl up under the blankets and cry. I was my worst enemy.

I never thought that I would start to feel like this again … I feel happy. I am starting to look forward to things, I have the motivation to go out and do something. Life isn’t as scary as it was when I was still holding onto him, my future is a little brighter now and I look forward to whoever else comes along in my life. I no longer have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling we associate with heart break and dread. I can look forward to going to sleep because I know that I won’t dream of him, I can look forward to night times because I know that I wont be crying myself to the point of throwing up. And I can wake up in the morning with excitement for the new things in that day, rather then feeling my heart break all over again.

Unfortuantly there are some other things that will take longer to recover from. Like my weight, it is going to be a slow painful process to put back on my original weight the healthy way. It is going to take some time for my mind to heal as well. I still feel emotionally tired every day. No matter how much sleep I get, I still wake up tired. I feel emotionally spent and sometimes its hard to focus on anything that takes a lot of emotion. It will take some time to trust again, that will be that hardest. When I take that step again, it will be hard to trust what he says.
And I know all of this takes time, but I feel that my mind, parts of it, is on the road to recovery.
It wont be easy, I know that. I know that in a years time when I am still not with someone, or when I get lonely and I feel that I am healed enough and the right guy hasn’t come along, I will feel discouraged. I know there are going to be ups and downs to this journey, like everything. But, I never thought that I could feel happy again. That I could feel free from all the drama and emotion.
And that’s exactly what I am. Free. Free from him. Free from his hold. Free from all that drama. In letting him go, I set my own heart free.

The reason I wrote this post isn’t to get pity, or sympathy but to show you that you aren’t alone. If you are reading this after a bad break up, after a bad relationship or even if you’re just having problems right now … I wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone. And that what you are feeling is normal … But you have to have the strength to move on. To pick yourself up and carry on.
And there will be days when you think you can’t, hell I’ve had (and will continue to have) days like that. But they will lesson as the days, weeks and months go by. You will turn around in a few months and see how far you’ve come.

Saying goodbye to him was one of the hardest things I have done. Being a military girlfriend wasn’t nearly as hard as eliminating him from my life. In saying goodbye to him I had to accept that there were no more chances for “us”. I had to accept that we were over and that he wasn’t “good” for me. I had to come to terms with a lot of things that almost killed me. But what you realise is that they don’t, you get through those bad things, those bad days and you continue on.

It will hurt. You will scream and cry. You will get angry. You’ll blame people that don’t deserve it and you will push away people that mean the most to you. But in going through those emotions you start to see clearly again, you start to forgive not only him, but yourself. You let go of that anger. You let go of him and you set your heart free.

But … You have to take the first step of the many hard stepping stones. You have to let him go, you have to accept, understand and come to terms with things that you have been avoiding. You will fall down and it will hurt, but you will be a stronger person for it.

I promise you.

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Rip off the Band-Aid & Everything will come Together.

Published February 26, 2013 by Tasha

Everything is finally coming together. I have got my first shifts at my new job, Uni is all lined up and in motion, my horse is performing better than he ever has and I’m actually feeling okay. Despite this rainy, cold, miserable weather, I’m feeling pretty okay.
It’s only been a couple of days since I have sent that text, but I now know that he won’t be replying. Which is a good thing. It is about time he let me walk away. In the 18 years we have known each other we have never gone more than three days without talking to each other, and usually there was a good reason why. So it will be interesting to see how we both feel after a couple of months.
I am trying to keep my facebook activity down so he can’t figure out what i’m doing or how I’m feeling.

What I’m finally figuring out is healing is a process and I was only prolonging it with the hopes of getting back together later on. I was only putting a band-aid over it and pushing the hurt away. Only for it to wear me down and come back to bit me. The band-air affect only just made it harder to say goodbye the final time.
I have to heal from this. I have to create distance and process what has happened. I have to accept that he’s what he is and I can’t do anything about it. I have to understand that I have given him plenty of “second” chances and he screwed them all up. I will be okay, I know it because I finally ripped off the band-aid that was poisoning me. And in the end, the band-aid was doing more harm then good even though I prayed it could of been a permanent fix.

You can’t just put a band-aid over these things. You have to allow yourself to fully feel all the emotions, you have to deal with them and move on.
You have to let the wound heal before you can be fully at peace.

Breathe … And Start Waking Away

Published February 24, 2013 by Tasha

I am going to quickly punch this out while I am still feeling strong … After my head hits that pillow, I’m going to fall apart.

As of a hour ago my ex is no longer in my life.
I said goodbye to him for good … Or at least until he gets his orders. I assume he will contact me when he gets his first post.

What brought this on, (yes I know this completely contradicts my last post and I am terribly sorry) is a text he sent while we were talking tonight.
A few days ago I told him that I need space. I need to walk away. I need him to stop talking to me for a year. He managed to change my mind. But tonight, he sent me a text that really cleared in all up for me. It was like a nice, big slap in the face. Exactly what i needed. He doesn’t have any feelings for me. He doesn’t care about me nor love me. He just wants to control me. He just wants to make sure I love him and no one else. That i stay waiting for him. No, he didn’t actually tell me this in those words, but that is what he meant by his text.
So I left it for a few hours, cooled off and talked to my mum about it.
Eventually I decided to let him go. I needed to set him free and in doing that it would set me free.

And it tore me apart.

Typing out and sending that text took every ounce of strength I had. And i am grateful that he is in bed right now and wont see the text until early tomorrow morning, because honestly I wouldn’t have the strength to resist him if he tried to reel me back in. Tears were streaming down my face as I typed it out, deleted it and then typed it out all over again. It took me almost two hours to type it out. Another half an hour to send it.
Talking to him, having this “hope”, after he broke my heart,shattered my world twice and broke so many promises he swore he’d never break, was slowly poisoning me.I have lost way too much weight. I haven’t been eating, sleeping or doing the things I love. I haven’t been me. And I need to be.

It has been so hard for me these past 2 months, since he walked away. My life was so tightly entwined with his that I was completely lost without him. My future was him. Every future I saw had him by my side. My future was tied closely with the defense force & when we broke up I didn’t know what to do. I was by myself, alone with no certain future. I was without him. And I wasn’t okay with that. But now I have to be. I have to live my own life.

I know that I have done everything I could and can. I fought for him to the point that I was becoming physically and emotionally ill. I have tried my hardest to keep us together and keep what we had alive. And i have tried to help him. I have sent him a few things in the mail that will, hopefully help him and kick start his healing. This is also to help him as much as it is to help me. He needs space. He needs to deal with his own emotions and feelings, he needs to process what has happened. No matter how much it hurts him.

He will always be special to me, and I miss him more than I would like to admit. But I am letting him go. My life isn’t tied to his anymore. He needs to achieve his dreams and so do I.

I just need to take a deep breath … And start walking. 

I Won’t Give Up On You …. Not Yet

Published February 23, 2013 by Tasha

Call me crazy … Yeah I know. But I have to do this. He is still giving me hope and I’m still holding onto that.

A lot of you will be reading this yelling at the screen, “cut him loose!” You all probably think I’m crazy, and insane,  some stupid girl who is holding onto something that will never, ever come back that way I want it to. And you could be right. But what if I’m right? What if my gut instinct is right? I can’t walk away from something when I know there is still something there. I am the type of person that fights for something until there is literally nothing left and I have nothing more to give.

I have decided to stick by my ex. He knows he needs to get help and I know he is trying. I don’t trust him, but I have enough faith in him to realise that he’s trying. I know that we won’t be able to get back together for a while. I know that I have to be just a friend for longer than I would like. I know this isn’t going to be easy for me, or for him.

A huge part of me can’t see why we can’t be together while he sorts through this. While we were together things were fine, we were both happy and enjoying the moments together. I can’t understand a lot of things he has done in the past, but I also know that we could have something amazing at the end of this … If he gets himself together.
I also know that I can’t push him. He has to come back to me. He has to figure this out on his own. I’m only here for support, someone he knows and knows him better than anyone. I can only be a friend. I have accepted that and I am okay with it for now.

I am not going to give up on him. You don’t give up on someone you love. As insane as that sounds. I can’t give up on him, on “us”, on our friendship.
Even if we don’t end up together in the end, I want him to get better …. He needs to get better. And it is going to be a hard, bumpy journey. There are going to be moments when we both want to give in. There are going to be tears and tantrums  So many things are working against us, against him. But he is strong enough to do this. And if we can get through this, if we end up together at the end of this, if he can realise what we can do together, we can overcome anything.

So for now, for this year and probably the next I am going to help him in anyway I can. I will be there for him, I won’t give up on him.
I will never stop loving him. And I just pray that he will come back to me.

Busy, My new Life Raft

Published February 20, 2013 by Tasha

Never underestimate the power of business. Trust me. It can do amazing things.

For the past couple of days I have been busy attending “getting started” lecture type things at Uni, today was market day. And not once have i felt my heart hurt. There have been only moments in the day where my ex has popped to the front of my mind, usually when I see a person from the high school my ex and I attended together. Sure, the rest of the time he was still there, in the back of my mind. But I met new people, laughed, danced and signed up to different things without worrying about if I have to save room for him. Whether I have to check with him to see if there is an important function I have to attend, or if I have to save that weekend to fly down to him.
I mean, yeah sure, I wish that we were still together and I know I could still do all these things while being with him. But when I met guys, I was able to flirt. I didn’t have to keep myself in check.

Yesterday my ex and I got into a argument and I almost walked away. I felt strong enough and happy enough to walk away from him. But damn, I still have that flicker of hope which didn’t allow me. The good thing about being busy is that I am content to see where my ex and I end up, but I am also happy enough to meet new guys. Not date them, just be friends with them.

Like tonight, I am going to a party. I don’t have to be thinking “oh shit is my boyfriend going to call?” or having to text him because its the only time in the day we are able to talk. If he text tonight I don’t have to reply back, not straight away. I can reply back later on or the next morning. Seriously … Being busy has been my life saver!

Don’t get my wrong. I still miss him. I still love him. I still want him and no body else. But it feels like I can be happy, I can smile and party without faking it all. My heart doesn’t hurt quite so much anymore. And I am so so so glad.

So don’t underestimate being busy. You will still think about him from time to time but it will help you get stronger. It will let you believe you can move on with your life without him. It will give you a new sense of freedom you didn’t even know you missed. If you have had a long term relationship you will start to realise that you can start building a life of your own, your own future with your own dreams. You don’t have to think about your partner, or what they want, if you still have time for them if you do this and that. Seriously … Do not be afraid to be busy. It will be the best thing for you.

It will become your life raft

Starting a New Blog

Published February 19, 2013 by Tasha

Hey 🙂

I am keeping this blog for my usual purposes but I am starting a new one for my writing, photos and edited pictures.
Feel free to pop over to the other blog. I am in the process of setting it up so I will post the URL once I am done and some photos are up!

# 5 – Letters to Him

Published February 16, 2013 by Tasha

To the one I will never figure out,

You have been the best and worst thing that has happened to me. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t. I wish I could make things better for both of us, but I can’t. I wish more than anything to fix us, but I can’t do that either. I can’t do a damn thing about anything. All I can do is sit here and hope that you get your shit together soon.
Because i don’t know how much more of this I can take.

One day it’s like we have a chance, the next its clear you want to get rid of me. One day it feels, looks as if you love me, the next it’s like your playing some sort of sick, twisted game.
I want more than anything for you to return to me.
I want you to be happy with me.
I want the relationship, the perfect relationship we had before back.
I want you back.
And I’m still waiting. Even though it makes me feel like shit. Even though I feel powerless. Even though all I want is to curl up into a little ball and die … I am still waiting.

And I am pissed babe. I am pissed off at you. You continually give me hope, reel me in and then shut me out. For what? Why do you keep doing this too me? Just so you don’t have to go through the pain of losing me? Just so you can clear your guilt? Why? Why is it so important to you to keep me around?
I know it takes two. And i am not totally helpless here. I could walk away. I could leave you just like you left me. But my heart is still tied to you. I still want you. I still want us. And I know that’s not healthy. You hurt me, you destroyed my soul and everything I am … you ripped out my heart, tore it up in front of my face and then threw it back at me. You walked out that door like you didn’t have a care in the world. Like you hadn’t just seen you “best friend”, the girl you “love” break down, like you hadn’t just shattered everything she was. I should leave you. I should just walk away.
But you keep giving me hope. I still see in you what I saw in you all those years ago when all this started. I still see that guy. And I want him back.

I hope you can read this. Even if it’s just this one letter. I hope you see it. I hope you read all that I’m afraid to say to you. Because at the end of the day I don’t want to lose you. Not completely. I have lost you as a boyfriend, as a protector  as a lover and a best friend .. But I can’t lose you all together. I wish i had the guts to say goodbye. But i don’t. Not right now.

So i wanted to say, pull your shit together. If you want me, fight for me. If you want a relationship with me, work for it. If you love me, prove it.
You CANNOT keep doing to this to me. It is killing me. It is destroying whatever piece of my heart & soul I have left. And I’m scared. I’m terrified. I need you. 

So get you shit together. Now. Either tell me what is really going on, tell me that you aren’t lying anymore and we do have a chance or say your final goodbye & leave me the hell alone. Do not come back. Do not contact me. Do not give me hope. If you say goodbye, if you really want to leave again … For the third time … Do it. But don’t EVER COME BACK.