To Him … Who I so readily gave my heart to,
I miss you. Simple as that. I miss you more than anything, more than I have missed anyone. I feel so lost and alone. I feel like half of me is missing. I still don’t understand what happened between us. As we talk more and more, as some things become clear again while others become increasingly blurry, I find myself getting lost in “us” again. Slotting back into my old role and then mentally shaking myself out of it again.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand why we broke up, what went wrong.
I did love you though. I love you with everything I had. I love you more than I could ever express. And I should of said it more when we were together, I just didn’t realise how short our time would be together. But, I will never stop loving you. I tried so hard for you, I tried with everything I had in me. And I fought. I kept fighting for us even when you had given up. I didn’t surrender until you took my hand and told me I had to. I still haven’t let go of you yet, some days I fool myself into thinking I have, but people can see that I haven’t. I can’t find the strength to let you go. Some days I can’t even find the strength to smile and laugh, to function normally.
I guess a part of me is still fighting. Still hoping. Still praying for another chance. A part of me hasn’t surrendered, it still senses a flicker of hope. God … I miss you and all our memories.
There will always be a part of me that will always want you, that will always love you. It will always be longing for you and what we had. Even if I never get another chance with you again and I find someone else, there will always be moments when I will be wishing the guy holding me was you. You will always hold a special part of me that no one else will get. And I will never forget you, as long as I live. The memories we made together will always hold a place in my heart. I will always remember the lessons you taught me and how I felt for you. I will always remember my short time in the military life-style with you and how I thought our future was possible. I will always remember that feeling as you would look at me and tell me you love me, with that breath taking smile and those deep blue eyes.
Baby, I find myself looking for you everywhere. Even though I know you’re back on base, I still look for you. And a part of me will always be looking for you, searching for you until I see you again. I can’t help but remember every memory when I walk down our road. Seeing the spots where we sat and talked, seeing a part of the creek that we swam in. I will remember the good and the bad.
Recalling the memories right now is painful, but I know later in life I will able to smile back on them. I am hoping that we get another chance that we, you, wont mess up. But I know that is a long way off yet. We both have some growing up to do. We both have some healing and fixing to do. Then I hope we can come together and start to mend the broken bits of our former relationship. And eventually, if we never get another chance, we will be okay. We will be able to move on. Slowly, but I know that we’ll be just fine. It will take time, strength that we didn’t know we have and persistence … But if getting back together is not an option for us, we will move on. Because we have to.
Darling … I really don’t know what to say anymore. I wish things were different. I wish some things had been said, while others hadn’t. I wish we hadn’t broken up in the first place. I wish we were older and more mature to handle the kind of relationship we were asking for in a Defense environment. I wish a lot of things. But the one thing I wish for the most, is for you back. I wish for you happiness and I hope you can find it in me. I want to hold you up, catch you when you fall. Conquer things with you and share your victories. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to be the one you make your life with.
But I also understand it just may not be a possibility. If its not … There’s nothing I can do but wish you well and be sorry that I wasn’t enough for you.
I love you with ever fiber in my body. I would have done anything for you and all I want is to call you “mine” again. To hold your hand and know that I am safe and secure. I want “us” to have another chance, and not mess it up this time.
But we had our second chance and we couldn’t make it. We will be extremely lucky to get our third and final chance.
Come back to me baby, please.