Battling It Out

Published February 5, 2013 by Tasha

Are you purposefully giving me false hope?
Are you trying to destroy me?
Why in hell am I letting you?

“Because you love him and you can’t just un-love him,” says a friend.

It is a constant war between my heart and mind.
I want, need, him to come back to me. Half of me is missing and I know i will never be able to love someone like I love him. And as long as I am loving him, I can’t drag someone else into my messy life. Its like this vicious circle. He gives me some hope, “I don’t want the other girls.” “I don’t want you to forget me.” “I miss you!!”, and I hang on. I wait and wait. I smile when I get his text, I laugh and dance. He makes me feel alive. He is the only guy (besides my dad) that I feel safe with. No matter the situation we are in or where we are, so long as he is near, so long as he is holding me nothing can touch me. He wouldn’t let it. I am safe and secure in his arms.

And it may pay off. There might be a chance for us. Or there may not be. But that small glimmer of hope is what keeps me hanging on. As stupid as that sounds.

My ex and I are in this constant limbo … More than friends, but not yet together. I just want us to be together, for it to be simple. I want us to come to a major problem, talk about it and work through it. Together.

I don’t even know why we broke up anymore … But I know the answer I will get if I asked him. And there is no point in asking a question when you know the answer you’re going to receive isn’t the real answer.

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