Right. This is it.
I am going to make the choice TO move on. I can’t stay stuck on him. If we’re meant to be, we’ll find a way back to each other. But right now he is making NO effort to be in my life. He is continuing to ignore me, for no reason I can see. He is fading from my life with no explanation, and no goodbye. Just leaving one text hanging there. It is almost like he only wants me in his life when he is bored or when it suits him.
Well guess what? I am not a toy. You don’t get to choose when you get to play with me and when to toss me into the box. I do not want to be treated like that.
So I am letting him fade. If that’s what he wants, then so be it. My God it hurts. It hurts more than anything, but I can’t stay like this. I am not sleeping, I am not eating or exercising properly. I am hardly going out, and when I do its normally because my friends are dragging me out of the house … Quite literally. I have a beautiful horse that is just waiting for me to do something with him. I have Uni starting in just two weeks, I NEED to get myself together. I need to pull it together and start fixing myself. This mind frame … Its not healthy and I am not this type of girl.
No matter how much I need him with me right now, no matter how much my heart cries out for him .. I have to move on. I would give anything to hear his voice. I am going to my best friend’s funeral tomorrow and I doubt he will even care to see how I’m going.
And sure, there are going to be moments where it seems hopeless. I will see things that will trigger memories. But i have to push past it. I know there are going to be plenty more times I sob my heart out in the shower and then walk out pretending that nothing happened. I know there are probably going to be more sad, depressing updates about him. But for the moment, and as long as I can keep this streak going, I am going to really try to move on.
I will not hear from him until he decides he wants to talk to me. For whatever reason, he is ignoring me and I don’t know why. It just proves just how little he thinks of me, how little he thinks of our future and any chances we had/have left.
If I were to be nice, really nice, I could say that he is fading from my life to make it easier for me, to let us both grow up and mature and then he’ll come back. But … Girls don’t work that way. And if that were the case could he have at least given me an explanation? Told me what was going on?
You know that breaking point we all have? When you look at your situation and go, “oh screw this. This isn’t worth it. I can’t keep doing this.” ..? Yeah well I think I have reached it. I think I might have just snapped. I have been waiting for this to happen, and if I have reached this point it will make it easier to let him go. It will make my heart move on and I will be able to start looking for someone else without the thought of him coming back.
I have to accept that we have nothing left. That we truly are over and I have to let him go. There is nothing left for me here. And as much as that really hurts, as difficult as that is to understand and accept I have to make that choice to move on. Staying here is not healthy.
I will never forget him. I will never forget the memories and moments he gave me and I will always have a special place for him in my heart. A part of my heart will always call out for him, even though I know he wont answer. It will always hold him there. He will always be special to me.
But letting him go is probably the kindest thing I have done to myself so far … In the weeks after our break up,
So heres to closing a chapter and slowly opening a new one … Here’s to saying goodbye to an amazing time in my life but understanding that it is over … Here is to looking forward, not backwards … And here’s to accepting reality and letting nature take its course.