Since my last post I have learnt why my ex was ignoring me and since he told me I have felt myself getting stronger and stronger. He wasn’t ignoring me, but something serious had happened to him and he wasn’t able to to get to this phone. He is alright now, and it did scare me but something inside of me has settled now. Or is settling.
I haven’t heard from him since Friday and that’s okay. I don’t have that cruel sinking feeling anymore. I don’t feel so lonely and while the ache is still there, it is bearable now. I know that when I go to Uni, when I go out I will see couples and I will feel that stabbing pain again but I know I’ll be able to cope with it.
I am not checking my phone every five minutes wondering if there is a message waiting for me from him.
I am not trying to figure out if we ever have a chance again.
I am not constantly thinking of him. Sure he is always in the back of my mind, and things will happen in my day that will remind me of him or I will find myself wishing he was there with me, but he isn’t constantly at the front of my mind. Constantly reminding me that we are no longer together. Constantly making me tear up.
And maybe this is what moving on is. Or maybe the distance is now settling in. Maybe I have clicked back into how I use to deal with the distance. And maybe it will all come crumbling down when I see him again, whenever that will be.
I am in no shape to start dating again, or even start looking for a new guy, as a big part of me (if I’m being honest with myself, all of me) is still hoping, wishing, wanting him to come back to me soon, ready …. But I am no longing for him like I have been. I still think of him. I still love him and hate what has happened to us. And I am still upset. But I am learning how to cope with it.
Since that last post, there have been moments when I really needed him there with me and he just couldn’t be. And maybe that is what has kick started my healing. Maybe I realised that he can’t be there for me anymore and I have to accept that. The quicker the better. I honestly don’t know what has changed, but it changed as soon as he sent me that one text, explaining why he hadn’t been in contact. Things from then on slotted into place.
I doubt that i will hear from him a lot in this coming year. His training is becoming insane and he wont have much time for anything apart from eat, sleep, train. And I will be starting my new routine soon (FINALLY!!). Horse riding, dancing, gym, Uni, work and hopefully friends. So our routines will clash and there will only be a few minutes a day that we might both be free to send a quick text here and there. Which is absolutely fine. I will miss him like crazy, I already do. But throughout the duration of our friendship and when we started dating, I made myself very available to him, I was there when he wanted to contact me, I was able to go out whenever he wanted, I went out of my way half the time so I could see him. I can’t do that anymore, and I think that will be a good thing.
There is also something else developing in my life right now, but I shouldn’t say anything until it is finalised and I know it’s going to happen. That is also adding to the distraction and my lack of time to feel sorry for myself. I am hoping that I meet some great people at Uni.
I know there will be days when I break down and cry over him, yet again. But I will be able to pick myself up and carry on. Because I have to.
I am learning how to live my life without him. And part of me feels incredibly sad about that. I always thought he would be a part of my life, a big part of it. I never thought that i would have to live without him. Make massive life-changing decisions without him because I always felt that we would end up together. That we would always be together. I honestly thought he was my partner in life. But another part of me, a small part of me for now, is happy … Excited for my new life. I know that I have some great friends already, one of them has been an excellent support for me over the course of this break up, and I know that I’ll be alright. Someday, I am going to be alright. And that may be when I am with him again and we’re laughing over this, or that could be when I am with another guy and I am explaining to him how young I was all those years ago.
But what this year is already teaching me is to put one foot in front of the other and you will be okay. You will make it through the storm eventually and you will be a stronger person because of it.
And I will make it through this. I now know that I have the strength to put one foot in front of the other, to just breath and know that God has a place for me in this world. Just like my ex told me.