Today has been another good day … Yay for me 🙂
A good day doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you got lots done or you achieved something that you’ve been longing to achieve or that you finally took a deep breath and took a risk, it could just mean that you felt … Free. And that’s what today was all about for me. I felt free.
Not free from restrictions like organizing Uni timetables (which … Good lord is frustrating and terrifying all at the same time), or chores or a relationship (although to be honest, I don’t mind the “restrictions” a relationship puts on me, because I am usually with someone that is worth everything I am and willing to give) or things like that. No, I felt free from hurt, from sadness and pain. I felt free of those emotions, ones that I have held onto for so long. And I actually don’t know why I feel like this. I could be my body’s way of dealing with grief, with shock, it also might be my body’s way of pushing it all away. After all it has only been a week since I was holding my best friend as she died and three days since her funeral. So i have no idea why I feel free of those emotions.
I still miss my ex dearly and I miss that military life I was in with him, but again … I still feel okay. Like I am finally able to cope with everything without the help from others.
And in a week it could all come crashing down and I will collapse in a heap sobbing my guts out again, but I guess that’s what grief does to you right? You have your good moments and then your bad. You have your highs and then your lows. And that is all part of life, because essentially that’s what life is. Things go right, things go wrong and you act accordingly. I think I’m on a winner here.
My ex and I are still talking. And it’s nice. Its short, only half a dozen texts as we go through our busy day. I guess its our way, his way, of sharing his life with me. Just checking in with each other. Its pretty casual right now and that’s the way it is suppose to be. We broke up, he has done irreversible damage that is going to take ages to rebuild. And now that I have a plan concerning him, I feel a lot better within myself. A flame of hope is still flickering there, which may or may not be my down fall …. But for this year at least, I have a plan. A plan to focus on me, my horse, Uni, work, gym and friends. That is all I can handle right now. If he wants me, he will wait.
Anyway … As I was driving home today this song, that I had forgotten was even on my phone, started playing through my car’s speakers. It suited my mood perfectly and made me realise what I was feeling.
It’s called “Wait Til You See My Smile” by Alicia Keys.
I don’t know if it’s her voice, the lyrics, the drums, piano, the tune or everything. But combined with the wind in my hair, the dark blue/black sky and the perfect temperature … It make me realise how free I was feeling.
It really felt like I could stretch my wings and fly away. It was perfect … Just for those few moments when it was blasting through the speakers as I sped down the road, I was in bliss. I was at peace with everything that had happened.
I recommend that you listen to it. If you feel that you are in the process of moving on from something or someone, or you feel like you are able to get off the ground after something has kicked you down there, then I recommend you listen to it. I hope that it has the same affect on you as it did on me. * I will post it just after this post *
I hope that, even for just those few moments it plays, it allows you to feel like you can stretch your wings and fly away.