# 5 – Letters to Him

Published February 16, 2013 by Tasha

To the one I will never figure out,

You have been the best and worst thing that has happened to me. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t. I wish I could make things better for both of us, but I can’t. I wish more than anything to fix us, but I can’t do that either. I can’t do a damn thing about anything. All I can do is sit here and hope that you get your shit together soon.
Because i don’t know how much more of this I can take.

One day it’s like we have a chance, the next its clear you want to get rid of me. One day it feels, looks as if you love me, the next it’s like your playing some sort of sick, twisted game.
I want more than anything for you to return to me.
I want you to be happy with me.
I want the relationship, the perfect relationship we had before back.
I want you back.
And I’m still waiting. Even though it makes me feel like shit. Even though I feel powerless. Even though all I want is to curl up into a little ball and die … I am still waiting.

And I am pissed babe. I am pissed off at you. You continually give me hope, reel me in and then shut me out. For what? Why do you keep doing this too me? Just so you don’t have to go through the pain of losing me? Just so you can clear your guilt? Why? Why is it so important to you to keep me around?
I know it takes two. And i am not totally helpless here. I could walk away. I could leave you just like you left me. But my heart is still tied to you. I still want you. I still want us. And I know that’s not healthy. You hurt me, you destroyed my soul and everything I am … you ripped out my heart, tore it up in front of my face and then threw it back at me. You walked out that door like you didn’t have a care in the world. Like you hadn’t just seen you “best friend”, the girl you “love” break down, like you hadn’t just shattered everything she was. I should leave you. I should just walk away.
But you keep giving me hope. I still see in you what I saw in you all those years ago when all this started. I still see that guy. And I want him back.

I hope you can read this. Even if it’s just this one letter. I hope you see it. I hope you read all that I’m afraid to say to you. Because at the end of the day I don’t want to lose you. Not completely. I have lost you as a boyfriend, as a protector  as a lover and a best friend .. But I can’t lose you all together. I wish i had the guts to say goodbye. But i don’t. Not right now.

So i wanted to say, pull your shit together. If you want me, fight for me. If you want a relationship with me, work for it. If you love me, prove it.
You CANNOT keep doing to this to me. It is killing me. It is destroying whatever piece of my heart & soul I have left. And I’m scared. I’m terrified. I need you. 

So get you shit together. Now. Either tell me what is really going on, tell me that you aren’t lying anymore and we do have a chance or say your final goodbye & leave me the hell alone. Do not come back. Do not contact me. Do not give me hope. If you say goodbye, if you really want to leave again … For the third time … Do it. But don’t EVER COME BACK. 

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