I am going to quickly punch this out while I am still feeling strong … After my head hits that pillow, I’m going to fall apart.
As of a hour ago my ex is no longer in my life.
I said goodbye to him for good … Or at least until he gets his orders. I assume he will contact me when he gets his first post.
What brought this on, (yes I know this completely contradicts my last post and I am terribly sorry) is a text he sent while we were talking tonight.
A few days ago I told him that I need space. I need to walk away. I need him to stop talking to me for a year. He managed to change my mind. But tonight, he sent me a text that really cleared in all up for me. It was like a nice, big slap in the face. Exactly what i needed. He doesn’t have any feelings for me. He doesn’t care about me nor love me. He just wants to control me. He just wants to make sure I love him and no one else. That i stay waiting for him. No, he didn’t actually tell me this in those words, but that is what he meant by his text.
So I left it for a few hours, cooled off and talked to my mum about it.
Eventually I decided to let him go. I needed to set him free and in doing that it would set me free.
And it tore me apart.
Typing out and sending that text took every ounce of strength I had. And i am grateful that he is in bed right now and wont see the text until early tomorrow morning, because honestly I wouldn’t have the strength to resist him if he tried to reel me back in. Tears were streaming down my face as I typed it out, deleted it and then typed it out all over again. It took me almost two hours to type it out. Another half an hour to send it.
Talking to him, having this “hope”, after he broke my heart,shattered my world twice and broke so many promises he swore he’d never break, was slowly poisoning me.I have lost way too much weight. I haven’t been eating, sleeping or doing the things I love. I haven’t been me. And I need to be.
It has been so hard for me these past 2 months, since he walked away. My life was so tightly entwined with his that I was completely lost without him. My future was him. Every future I saw had him by my side. My future was tied closely with the defense force & when we broke up I didn’t know what to do. I was by myself, alone with no certain future. I was without him. And I wasn’t okay with that. But now I have to be. I have to live my own life.
I know that I have done everything I could and can. I fought for him to the point that I was becoming physically and emotionally ill. I have tried my hardest to keep us together and keep what we had alive. And i have tried to help him. I have sent him a few things in the mail that will, hopefully help him and kick start his healing. This is also to help him as much as it is to help me. He needs space. He needs to deal with his own emotions and feelings, he needs to process what has happened. No matter how much it hurts him.
He will always be special to me, and I miss him more than I would like to admit. But I am letting him go. My life isn’t tied to his anymore. He needs to achieve his dreams and so do I.
I just need to take a deep breath … And start walking.