Everything is finally coming together. I have got my first shifts at my new job, Uni is all lined up and in motion, my horse is performing better than he ever has and I’m actually feeling okay. Despite this rainy, cold, miserable weather, I’m feeling pretty okay.
It’s only been a couple of days since I have sent that text, but I now know that he won’t be replying. Which is a good thing. It is about time he let me walk away. In the 18 years we have known each other we have never gone more than three days without talking to each other, and usually there was a good reason why. So it will be interesting to see how we both feel after a couple of months.
I am trying to keep my facebook activity down so he can’t figure out what i’m doing or how I’m feeling.
What I’m finally figuring out is healing is a process and I was only prolonging it with the hopes of getting back together later on. I was only putting a band-aid over it and pushing the hurt away. Only for it to wear me down and come back to bit me. The band-air affect only just made it harder to say goodbye the final time.
I have to heal from this. I have to create distance and process what has happened. I have to accept that he’s what he is and I can’t do anything about it. I have to understand that I have given him plenty of “second” chances and he screwed them all up. I will be okay, I know it because I finally ripped off the band-aid that was poisoning me. And in the end, the band-aid was doing more harm then good even though I prayed it could of been a permanent fix.
You can’t just put a band-aid over these things. You have to allow yourself to fully feel all the emotions, you have to deal with them and move on.
You have to let the wound heal before you can be fully at peace.