To be totally honest with you, I thought I’d never make it through without Him …. my now ex, I mean. I thought that I would just continue to hurt and hurt and hurt. I also thought he would come along and rescue me, just like he did the last time. I never thought that telling him goodbye would be the kindest thing that I ever did for myself.
It felt like there would be no way through the hurt. It felt like I would always be falling. Most days I didn’t even want to get out of bed, I just wanted to curl up under the blankets and cry. I was my worst enemy.
I never thought that I would start to feel like this again … I feel happy. I am starting to look forward to things, I have the motivation to go out and do something. Life isn’t as scary as it was when I was still holding onto him, my future is a little brighter now and I look forward to whoever else comes along in my life. I no longer have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling we associate with heart break and dread. I can look forward to going to sleep because I know that I won’t dream of him, I can look forward to night times because I know that I wont be crying myself to the point of throwing up. And I can wake up in the morning with excitement for the new things in that day, rather then feeling my heart break all over again.
Unfortuantly there are some other things that will take longer to recover from. Like my weight, it is going to be a slow painful process to put back on my original weight the healthy way. It is going to take some time for my mind to heal as well. I still feel emotionally tired every day. No matter how much sleep I get, I still wake up tired. I feel emotionally spent and sometimes its hard to focus on anything that takes a lot of emotion. It will take some time to trust again, that will be that hardest. When I take that step again, it will be hard to trust what he says.
And I know all of this takes time, but I feel that my mind, parts of it, is on the road to recovery.
It wont be easy, I know that. I know that in a years time when I am still not with someone, or when I get lonely and I feel that I am healed enough and the right guy hasn’t come along, I will feel discouraged. I know there are going to be ups and downs to this journey, like everything. But, I never thought that I could feel happy again. That I could feel free from all the drama and emotion.
And that’s exactly what I am. Free. Free from him. Free from his hold. Free from all that drama. In letting him go, I set my own heart free.
The reason I wrote this post isn’t to get pity, or sympathy but to show you that you aren’t alone. If you are reading this after a bad break up, after a bad relationship or even if you’re just having problems right now … I wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone. And that what you are feeling is normal … But you have to have the strength to move on. To pick yourself up and carry on.
And there will be days when you think you can’t, hell I’ve had (and will continue to have) days like that. But they will lesson as the days, weeks and months go by. You will turn around in a few months and see how far you’ve come.
Saying goodbye to him was one of the hardest things I have done. Being a military girlfriend wasn’t nearly as hard as eliminating him from my life. In saying goodbye to him I had to accept that there were no more chances for “us”. I had to accept that we were over and that he wasn’t “good” for me. I had to come to terms with a lot of things that almost killed me. But what you realise is that they don’t, you get through those bad things, those bad days and you continue on.
It will hurt. You will scream and cry. You will get angry. You’ll blame people that don’t deserve it and you will push away people that mean the most to you. But in going through those emotions you start to see clearly again, you start to forgive not only him, but yourself. You let go of that anger. You let go of him and you set your heart free.
But … You have to take the first step of the many hard stepping stones. You have to let him go, you have to accept, understand and come to terms with things that you have been avoiding. You will fall down and it will hurt, but you will be a stronger person for it.
I promise you.