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All posts for the month March, 2013

Done & Dusted

Published March 30, 2013 by Tasha

My last post was a little depressing. I think it was more induced by shock than anything else. Seeing my ex out of context completely screwed me over for the rest of that night and into the next morning.
I reached out to him, saying I was sorry for snapping at him and I told him my reasons. Typically he replied, as I knew he would. One thing lead to another and we eventually got into an argument that led us here.

He basically told me that he doesn’t want me to be in his life anymore because “he doesn’t want to fuck it up more”. Man I am so sick of hearing that from him. He just didn’t care. And sometimes I wonder, did he ever?
Maybe he really did just act the whole relationship …?
I will never know.

I ended the conversation by telling him, “Well, if you don’t want a friendship with me, then don’t. I’m not going to throw myself at you. You contact me when you feel ready to have a friendship.” I sent that early yesterday afternoon and I haven’t heard from him since.

And this is a good thing.

Having him contact me takes the pressure off me. It is his job to contact me. IF he wants a relationship with me he has to put in a hell of a lot of effort. He has to take that leap. I know that it will be a long time before he contacts me again. And as far as I’m concerned, he has done his dash.

One thing that people have to realise about me is that I give and give and give and give. I will fight for you, I will put in 200% for a relationship and if I love you, I will do anything for you. I will fight for you until my heart is shattered on the floor, I will fight for the relationship until I have absolutely nothing left to give. And I will put up with your crap for a very long time. But when you finally push me to the edge, once you break me, I will walk away. And once I do that, no matter how much you cry, beg and plead for me to come back, I will never return. I won’t even look back. It might kill me to distance myself from you, I might still care and love you deeply, but once you have broken me to that point my heart puts up its little walls and protects itself.

And that is what he has done. He has broken me.

He has shattered my heart over and over again. He has rejected me over and over. He has made it clear what he wants, and it’s not me. I understand now that he is a lire.

And what this argument has taught me is that there is nothing more left for us. There is nothing left for me. There is no more chance, ever.
And that’s okay.
I am perfectly okay with that. He isn’t worth it anymore. I have come to that conclusion now.

I’m sorry if this post seems a little harsh and bitter, but they are the conclusions I have come to. They are the conclusions that he has lead me to. And I thank him for that. I thank him for his cruel honesty and I thank him for releasing me from the chains I put on myself. I had myself convinced that he would come back to me, as he promised. But his promises are empty and he will always break them.

I believe that this was part of the healing process. It may have been a harsh one and it may have knocked me around at the time, but I feel it has healed me. He came back into my life, even for the brief moment, because there were things left untied … Probably in both our minds.
Now the loose ends are tied, tight and secure.
And I feel free now. I feel relieved and I feel another part of my heart has been healed.

Fate maybe twisted … But it does its job. It shows you the things that belong in your life, and things that don’t. And it gives you answers that you may or may not have been looking for.
Yesterday I got my answer.
He does not love me. Never has, never will. He will not come back and he will not be apart of my life for a long time. He lied, pretended and acted.
My path with him is clear. It has ended here.

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Back To Square One

Published March 29, 2013 by Tasha

And my world crashes down again.

You know how I said my ex was flying in Thursday (well that was yesterday) and it would be the first time he’d be here and I wouldn’t be seeing him? Well guess who walked into my work last night?

I’ll give you three guesses ….

Yupp. Him. My ex.

Admittedly I work in a Pizza shop, so I have a lot of people come into work I know. But him and his family DO NOT eat the type of pizza I make. They eat the more expensive ones. Only once in my 18 years have I seen him eat the cheaper type of pizzas. Why tonight? Why him?
He knows where I work. Why did he have to be the one to get the pizzas, out of the four people in his family ..?

Out of all the random chances that happen in every day life, we were put together. AGAIN.
Out of all the people in his family he came in to place the order. Out of all the people I worked with I was sent out to talk to him about his order. Out of all the days I work the days he’s here (which was only last night and will be Sunday night) and out of all the hours of the night, he came in on the day I worked and the time I was in full view of the customers.

Seriously. What are the odds? What are the chances of that happening?

It was odd. There was no awkwardness. He was surprised to see me, but happy. And my heart broke. Again. How can he be happy? I mean I’m glad he is, but … What about me? How can he be happy when he completely destroyed me?
We talked for a little bit, mainly about his order because the base he wanted we couldn’t supply at the time.

I can tell you now. I felt sick. I wanted to puke. I was so close to a breakdown it wasn’t funny. Work was intense (we made 500 pizzas in 2 hours, so you can just imagine how fast I had to work and how many orders were there) and he was the lat person I thought I’d see at my work.

Now it’s like back to square one.
I didn’t realise how much I missed him until he was standing there right in front of me.
And I didn’t realise how much I wanted to be with him, until he was there and he wasn’t mine anymore.

#7 – Letters To Him

Published March 27, 2013 by Tasha

To You,

I cried today.
Not because I’m still heartbroken, or because I want to see you.
No, it’s because I’m finally learning to let you go.

I’m learning day-by-day that I can get through my life without you … Just like you can get through yours without me.
And this is such a bittersweet feeling, because my heart is finally admitting that you aren’t ‘good’ for me.  

Baby … I’m finally understanding that it’s okay to let you go.

In Love with Goals

Published March 26, 2013 by Tasha

I am fairly sure I am in love with life.

I am also fairly sure that my ex is hooking up with girls left right and center … That was my “icky” moment today. A part of me thought that he would just work on himself this year, get his head straightened out and then we’d discuss it further at the end of this year. I guess that was a bit unrealistic of me, wasn’t it?
He has every right to go date another girl (even though he reassured me that he wouldn’t be dating this year, nor would he get into a relationship until we had another go at it) or hook up with them. I know he is a flirt, a very good one at that. To almost every girl, he is irresistible  And he never really does anything about it … I guess under the influence of friends and the freedom of being single, he decided otherwise.
My heart didn’t like admitting that he is perfectly fine without me, not giving me a second thought.
Note to self: Block him from facebook. 

But .. Back to my other statement. Life is actually pretty okay right now. Yesterday I spent majority of the day laughing so much my stomach hurt with a new friend. I finished it off with an amazing jumping lesson and gym. Today I took my horse for a long trail ride and then got my haircut, which I know a pretty basic things. But hello, who doesn’t feel great after a haircut they are happy with?!
And tonight my mum is dragging me to a cooking class … It’ll be interesting to see if I don’t burn down the building.

I also organised a day trip to Bribie with three of my close friends, which will be coming up soon. One of them is taking a photography course so wants to do mini photo shoots that day. It will be full of fun, laughter, awesome yummy food (we’re making heaps of picnic food the day before), the beach and girl time. I have been itching for a day like this ever since my ex and I broke up.
Considering he comes home Thursday, I need to keep myself busy so I don’t have time to even think he’s in eye and ear shot.

And finally, I have myself a new goal. It probably won’t come into play until middle of next year, or whenever the selections are. But I want to get selected for the National Young Riders Showjumping Squad. I know my horse has the talent to do it, we both just need a little extra training. So I have paid for 3/4 weeks of show jumping and dressage training for him. If all goes well, his new educator will become my new coach. I really want to see where this trainer can take us, its time for us to step up our game.

Seriously, I feel so excited.
I have finally reached the point where I can plan a few weeks ahead. I can look a few months ahead now, rather than not knowing what on earth I’m going to do on a day-to-day basis.
I know the amount of training my horse, coach and I will have to do to be considered for the squad, which will distract me a lot. It will also help me get that kick-ass summer body I want.

This feeling is strange as it is exciting … I think I might be happy again …?!?

Take a Breath & Pick Them Up

Published March 24, 2013 by Tasha

For three days this week I have managed to go to the gym.
For all of this week  I have managed to ride my horse.
Twice this week I have gone to work.
And I also completed two Journalism assignments, one, two weeks early.
If I look back to what I use to do, that is nothing .. But I have to start somewhere. And so far this has been really good for my mental health. I am feeling a little better within myself (the nights that I don’t have some weird ass dream about my ex) and slowly I am able to do more things during my day.
To a lot of you, this mightn’t seem like anything, but for me … It is a big improvement from when I was curled up under my doona, crying my eyes out and PRAYING that in a year my ex would just magically come back to me.

I still have days, or moments in my day when I will see something, hear a song or something will trigger a memory that will pull at my heart. But I am able to bounce back from those days/moments. At times I still look at my calendar and wonder how I am going to get through this year, but then a small voice whispers, “well you’ve got this far, haven’t you?”

It can only get better from here. Since the break up, since he left to go back to base (basically 3 months ago), it has been a god damn struggle. I have felt my heart break over and over again, multiple times a day. I have had everything shouting at me not to get up in the morning and  I have had to battle against my own heart, mind and soul to continue on but I have got to now. It’s still not easy. And it’s not going to be a walk in the park from now on either. I am fully aware that I am going to have my bad days again, but I am slightly comforted by knowing that those bad days don’t go on forever. They end. They disappear and so does the hurt. And then a brand new day, a lesson or something will emerge and make you realise that the bad days are worth it in the end.

It wasn’t until today, when I had my music blaring and I was running on my local road that I noticed that my heart didn’t hurt as much anymore. Dear god, I still miss him terrible. I still wish that we were together, that the break up didn’t happen. But the hurt isn’t as fresh. I am able to laugh, to smile to joke around. I am able to flirt with other guys without secretly wishing they were my ex.
The only thing that hurts now is the memories and the ache from missing him, which I am use to by now. There is still a small part of me holding onto my ex, hoping for another chance. But the rest of me knows that we’re over. That there is nothing more for me, I gave everything I was and he threw it back into my face. He may have cared, but I highly doubt he ever did love me. I know he lied throughout our whole 21 month relationship. I know that he might of felt hurt that he was breaking my heart, but that he would of got over it pretty quickly. I know that he has no regrets and that he’s led me on. I know that he feels sadness for the loss of our friendship, but I know that he doesn’t care enough to fight for it. I understand that he will never come back to me, and if he does nothing will have changed. I know that we could of had an amazing life together, but that it was just the wrong time for both of us. I completely understand now that I had to let him go in order for me to truly move on.
In the past week, I have come to a lot of conclusions about my relationship with my ex, which have led to peace.

The only thing I don’t know is, will he contact me when he gets his orders? Will he tell me where he is being based for the next few years?
And even though a large part of me has come to terms with how we ended and that we won’t have another chance, a small part of me still wonders, still is curious to see if we could make another go of it in another couple of years. And there is a part of me that wonders if we’ll ever be able to go back to being “just friends” when we’ve got the history we do?

I guess there are still somethings that are up for question, and they will only be answer at the end of this year. But for now I am content with my life.

It has been amazing to see what a little exercise, healthy eating and “me time” can do, how much it can heal the heart and mind.
It was pretty much the last thing I felt like doing straight after my break up and the death of my best friend, but slowly I have got there. And maybe I needed that time, maybe we all need that time, to heal. To cry and scream. To question God, “where the hell are you?! Why are you letting this happen to me?!?” Maybe we all need that time to grieve, and only grieve, before we are able to pick ourselves up and carry on.
Because three months on, I am able to pick up the pieces. I may not be able to successfully glue my heart back together again, but I feel that I am able to bend down and pick up the shattered and bruised pieces lying all over the floor.

You mightn’t be there yet, but try it. Test it out. Even if it’s just a slow walk with your dog. It helps, I promise you. And before you know it you’re able to look at the broken pieces of your heart and start collecting them again. You mightn’t be strong enough to use the super glue yet, but you might just have enough strength to reach out and touch the pieces on the floor. And that’s a start. That’s where we ALL start.

Just take a breath sweetie, and pick them up.  

Slowly Losing My Mind

Published March 21, 2013 by Tasha

Last night I slept soundly. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep and I didn’t wake up until my alarm went off.
This is a good thing, right?
No. No, not really.

My dream has left me utterly confused and disappointed all day, missing my ex more than ever. I had a dream about him. Parts of the dream I guess were memories, others were hopeful thinking.
He’d come home for leave or something, but he turned up at my house. I was surprised and confused at why he would turn up when I’d told him not to contact me. He told me that he’d sent me a letter a few days ago but couldn’t wait until I opened it so decided to do it in person.

I invited him in, and into my room. He told me that he couldn’t do this anymore. That he couldn’t hurt like this anymore and he wanted me back. Even though the distance bothered him he couldn’t know that he was hurting me. I remember we talked for the whole day, only emerging from my room for a drink or a quick snack. Of course I got back with him and things went back to normal.
One of the things I remember saying to him clearly is, “You have to let me in baby,” as that was one of the biggest issues in our relationship.

My alarm woke me up and I lay there totally confused. It felt so real. I swear I could still feel him next to me.
I must be going completely insane. I never have dreams like that.
I remember having nightmares about splitting up with him while we were together, and those felt very real. And the mornings I woke up from them I would either be crying are desperately reaching for my phone praying that it actually had been a dream.
But now I’m having dreams of him coming back to me. What. The. Hell?!

The hopeful part of my brain is sort of laughing telling me that this could be in the future. The rest of my brain is laughing back at it telling it how utterly stupid that sounds.

Why is this happening now? Almost three months on?
He is probably having the time of his life right now. He is probably happy and is getting ready to come home next week. He doesn’t care. He is probably glad he got rid of his burden. He wouldn’t care that I am still thinking of him, that I just want this all resolved. Or even better, for me to just wake up from this nightmare that has gone on for far too long.

And maybe this is part of the reason why I’m not sleeping well right now. My subconscious probably knows that I am going to have more disturbing dreams about him, when all I want is to be left in peace. I just want to get through this year happily, in one piece!

I am slowly losing my mind! Piece by Piece.

You’ve Made Me Stronger

Published March 21, 2013 by Tasha

This is just a song I heard while my phone was playing random songs. If I’d listened to this a week ago, I would of been in tears. And even though it still pulls at my heart a little, I now see the absolute truth in this song. I can relate to it perfectly, especially the chorus (the highlighted bit)

Is it hard to believe I’m okay
After all, it’s been a while since you walked away
I’m way past crying over your finding someone new
You turned my days into bright
But now I see the light
And this may be a big surprise to you

Cause you’ve made me stronger by breaking my heart
You ended my life and made a better one start
You’ve taught me everything from fallin’ in love
To letting go of a lie
Yes, you’ve made me stronger, baby, by saying goodbye

If you’d rather believe I’m not over you
Go ahead-there’s nothing wrong with making believe
I know ’cause I used to pretend you’d come back to me
But time has been such a friend
Brought me to my senses again
And I have you to thank for setting me free think again

Don’t feel so sorry for me, my friend
Oh, don’t you know
I’m not the one at the losing end
You made stronger by saying
Goodbye…