My last post was a little depressing. I think it was more induced by shock than anything else. Seeing my ex out of context completely screwed me over for the rest of that night and into the next morning.
I reached out to him, saying I was sorry for snapping at him and I told him my reasons. Typically he replied, as I knew he would. One thing lead to another and we eventually got into an argument that led us here.
He basically told me that he doesn’t want me to be in his life anymore because “he doesn’t want to fuck it up more”. Man I am so sick of hearing that from him. He just didn’t care. And sometimes I wonder, did he ever?
Maybe he really did just act the whole relationship …?
I will never know.
I ended the conversation by telling him, “Well, if you don’t want a friendship with me, then don’t. I’m not going to throw myself at you. You contact me when you feel ready to have a friendship.” I sent that early yesterday afternoon and I haven’t heard from him since.
And this is a good thing.
Having him contact me takes the pressure off me. It is his job to contact me. IF he wants a relationship with me he has to put in a hell of a lot of effort. He has to take that leap. I know that it will be a long time before he contacts me again. And as far as I’m concerned, he has done his dash.
One thing that people have to realise about me is that I give and give and give and give. I will fight for you, I will put in 200% for a relationship and if I love you, I will do anything for you. I will fight for you until my heart is shattered on the floor, I will fight for the relationship until I have absolutely nothing left to give. And I will put up with your crap for a very long time. But when you finally push me to the edge, once you break me, I will walk away. And once I do that, no matter how much you cry, beg and plead for me to come back, I will never return. I won’t even look back. It might kill me to distance myself from you, I might still care and love you deeply, but once you have broken me to that point my heart puts up its little walls and protects itself.
And that is what he has done. He has broken me.
He has shattered my heart over and over again. He has rejected me over and over. He has made it clear what he wants, and it’s not me. I understand now that he is a lire.
And what this argument has taught me is that there is nothing more left for us. There is nothing left for me. There is no more chance, ever.
And that’s okay.
I am perfectly okay with that. He isn’t worth it anymore. I have come to that conclusion now.
I’m sorry if this post seems a little harsh and bitter, but they are the conclusions I have come to. They are the conclusions that he has lead me to. And I thank him for that. I thank him for his cruel honesty and I thank him for releasing me from the chains I put on myself. I had myself convinced that he would come back to me, as he promised. But his promises are empty and he will always break them.
I believe that this was part of the healing process. It may have been a harsh one and it may have knocked me around at the time, but I feel it has healed me. He came back into my life, even for the brief moment, because there were things left untied … Probably in both our minds.
Now the loose ends are tied, tight and secure.
And I feel free now. I feel relieved and I feel another part of my heart has been healed.
Fate maybe twisted … But it does its job. It shows you the things that belong in your life, and things that don’t. And it gives you answers that you may or may not have been looking for.
Yesterday I got my answer.
He does not love me. Never has, never will. He will not come back and he will not be apart of my life for a long time. He lied, pretended and acted.
My path with him is clear. It has ended here.