Straddling a stone bench today, I busily uploaded my edited photos to my other blog. I came across one that had a quote attached to it. Just reading that quote sent me back to a time when I was dating my Airman. A series of flashbacks errupted in my brain and it made my heart pinch. At that moment, all I wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms.
The quote read: “She loves you because you believe in her so much more than she does and you expect so much more from her than she does from herself.”
It took me back to early December last year. I was in Moldova (Eastern Europe) for my “schoolies”. It was meant to be a good experience but instead it ended up scarring and terrifying me. I remember my second or third week there He called and I was so beside myself I broke down in tears. I missed him, I was homesick and I was being treated very badly in a country I didn’t know trying to communicate with people that knew no english, without any one I was familiar with.
I was a mess and he sat threw it all. He stayed up through out the night and until early morning talking to me and calming me down, even though he had a massive training exam that morning. He was so supportive, caring, compassionate, he was the best boyfriend ever and he got me through the whole 4/5 weeks I had overseas. His voice was soothing as he kept telling me he believed in me, that he loves me and he will always be there for me. And if I closed my eyes against the snow and wind, i could almost feel him next to me. Those couple of hours on the phone were amazing and I will never forget how he helped me. I honestly believe he pulled me through those weeks.
But to think back to that and realise with a thud that I am in this situation now almost kills me. I think my heart broke all over again. I missed that. There have been times in Uni that I feel utterly alone and lost, even in a massive crowd of people. I see couples together, people laughing and smiling with each other. And I would give anything to have a friend with me, to have him back with me. I would give anything for “us” to be fixed, for me to run into his arms …. I would kill to have the past couple of months be a bad nightmare.
I want to wake up.
Right now it is taking me everything in me not to break down and cry. I am struggling to continue with my day. I still have the afternoon to get through. It is easier to just push away the memories, because if you remember how good everything was you’ll end up falling apart all over again.
This will be the hardest year of my life. Starting Uni, finalising a few things, working and not seeing or talking to him for a year. It is going to trial my strength. It is going to test everything I have.
All I want is for him to return to me.
I now know why you don’t look back on the memories.