This week it will be 3 months since we broke up.
You would of thought that by now it would be easy enough to move on. But I am still struggling. It’s getting better. But there are still days where all I want is to be with him again. I look at my calendar and think, “how on earth am I going to get through this year?”
I still have … 9/10 months before I know his orders, if he contacts me. That is as long as some of his deployments will be. I just want a way through this year, without struggling like I have been.
So, yesterday night, I went out with a guy. Ironically I met him at a airport after seeing my ex for the first time in almost 3 months. I remember that weekend had been amazing. The first time we have been together without having parents basically watching our every move. It was total bliss. But at the end of that weekend I had to say goodbye … And I didn’t know for how long.
When I arrived at Sydney I saw a guy with a camo bag. It instantly attracted my attention. I kept looking at him to see if he was part of the defense force or if he was just a guy that liked camo. Our plane was delayed about 3 hours and during that time I had caught his eye a few times. A smile or two were exchanged, and man was he good looking, but I really wasn’t in any mood to be talking to anyone, after all I had just spent my last plane trip balling my eyes out.
Our plane was called and we all started to line up, he came to stand next to me. After a few awkward moments he asked if I could save him his spot. I don’t know where he went but he came back fairly quickly and I worked up enough courage to ask him if he was army. He smiled and replied, “Air Force.”
The weirdness of this story gets even better when I was moved to a seat next to him. I had originally been seated a few rows down from him, but just after the doors had been closed I was moved next to this guy. And for the next hour and a half we chatted non- stop. At the end of the trip we both made our way to the car park and I was about to say my goodbyes when he asked for my number, I have no idea what possessed me, but I gave it to him. He seemed like a really nice, funny guy who would be a good friend.
For the next month or so we text back and forth before I stopped replying. My airman and I were getting really serious, I was in my senior year and I missed my airman incredibly.
Anyway … Moving on.
I remembered him and gave him a text a few days ago. We decided to meet up and for those few days we talked constantly, I guess trying to find out as much as we could about each other before we met again. I learnt that he was deploying in a few months, he learnt that my boyfriend and I had split up. He told me straight up that he couldn’t be in a relationship while deployed for 8 months and I agreed, so we decided just to see how things went, where they would go.
We went to the movies, and I instantly remembered him as soon as I saw him. During the movie he kissed me. He is a great kisser, but … The spark my ex and I had was not there. Nothing was there. How I reacted to that kiss was purely habit. And as the movie progressed, he put his arm around me. All I could think about was my ex. How it wasn’t this, or that. And if I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend it was my ex.
The night itself wasn’t bad. We talked, conversed well. Yeah it was pretty awkward, but we had enough to talk about. At the end of the night he said, “I’ll text you.”
I said, “Ok.” And got in my car, feeling drained and empty.
I guess last night was kind on an experiment. I wanted to get my ex off my mind, have a little bit of fun. But instead it did the opposite. When my ex and I talked about his job, I was happy, really happy and excited for him. But when this guy talked about his job, I was interested to hear about it and I wanted to know more … But it was tugging at my heart in ways that it shouldn’t have.
And at the end of the night all I wanted was my ex. I wanted his touch, his hug and kisses. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted the guy I knew. But mostly I wanted our break up to be one big, bad dream. I wanted to be His again.
I know meeting new people is going to stir memories and it’s going to be awkward. I know that I was very lucky to have what I had with my ex, the chemistry, the history, the bond that we shared … I was extremely lucky to have that with him and it’s something I doubt I will ever have again, at that level of intensity.
And I know that if/when I start dating again that it’s going to take awhile before it isn’t awkward anymore. But maybe this guy isn’t the one I should be hanging out with. Maybe he just hits too close to home. I don’t know. I doubt he will text me and I doubt that I will see him again … And maybe that’s for the best. He is a great guy, certaintly a defense guy, but he is funny and nice. He would be a good friend.
But I don’t know if I’m ready to go out with guys yet, as much as I want to.