I’m sitting here surrounded by mess. Behind me is my unmade bed, clothes scattered around. To my right is piles of text books, some old, some new. There are crumbled bits of paper, pens, folders, pictures, a cork board (that’s meant to have all my notices pinned up there), even a hair straightener is tangled up in the mess. To my left is unpaid bills, receipts, books and just random papers. In all my room is reflecting my life right now … One. Big. Mess.
In front of me, taped to the window, is a A4 list of jobs that I have to do ASAP. My Uni assignment due this weekend, is lying in my lap, staring at me. I haven’t started.
I desperately want to sort my life out. I want to reach all my goals and achieve something by the end of this year. But I can’t seem to. Its all tiring. I fell exhorted all the time, apart from when I try to sleep … Then I just lie awake for hours, tossing and turning. I don’t know what is wrong with me.
I use to be extremely motivated, especially by horse competitions. Now nothing can inspire me. I thought I was depressed for awhile there. After the break up I withdrew from everything. I stopped eating, I stopped going out with friends, I stopped doing things I loved, I stopped being me. Because, if “me” was enough, why did he leave?
I know now why he left and that it had nothing to do with me, I know that how I coped with the break up was normal but not necessarily healthy. But now it seems as if I can’t do anything.
I started a new job at the end of February and I thought that was going well, but it has been sliding backwards for awhile now. I make mistakes, I mess up, I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m not fast enough, or good enough. Seriously, some nights it feels like I am one step away from being fired. It really is starting to freak me out.
My horse is turning 10 this year. And for anyone that is a horse rider here, will know that 10-12 is the best years of a horse. They are settled, calm and well educated. My horse is an extremely talented Warmblood. He is just waiting for me to make something of him. He truly is an amazing animal but even seeing him in his paddock right now is getting me down. I feel like my horse and I have just gone backwards. It feels like we aren’t getting anywhere and I don’t know what else to do. I would get a trainer again but I don’t have the money and my parents aren’t willing to help me out.
I look at him and see how far we come but then when I ride him I know that the both of us have slipped back so much. I am hoping that with a bit of saving I can get a lesson once a month. And I am praying that all the work I have done with him hasn’t vanished.
I honestly feel like I’m drowning. And I don’t know why.
I guess that’s why I write … To get it down on paper. For it to start making sense again (And I am so sorry for the people the read my whiny, depressive posts like this one)
I see now what I have to do.
I have to take a deep breath, I have to press on and push a little harder. My life can’t stop anymore, I can’t let this year slip by anymore than I have. No matter how tired I am I have to live.
I think I have to be the girl I was before my world was turned upside down. I have to be that strong, independent, determined, free spirited, happy-go-lucky, loving life girl. I don’t know where she is, but it is about time that I find her again. No guy is going to be attracted to this mess.
And you know what? The first thing I am going to fix, is my room. After all … It’s getting a little hard to walk in here!