Last night I slept soundly. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep and I didn’t wake up until my alarm went off.
This is a good thing, right?
No. No, not really.
My dream has left me utterly confused and disappointed all day, missing my ex more than ever. I had a dream about him. Parts of the dream I guess were memories, others were hopeful thinking.
He’d come home for leave or something, but he turned up at my house. I was surprised and confused at why he would turn up when I’d told him not to contact me. He told me that he’d sent me a letter a few days ago but couldn’t wait until I opened it so decided to do it in person.
I invited him in, and into my room. He told me that he couldn’t do this anymore. That he couldn’t hurt like this anymore and he wanted me back. Even though the distance bothered him he couldn’t know that he was hurting me. I remember we talked for the whole day, only emerging from my room for a drink or a quick snack. Of course I got back with him and things went back to normal.
One of the things I remember saying to him clearly is, “You have to let me in baby,” as that was one of the biggest issues in our relationship.
My alarm woke me up and I lay there totally confused. It felt so real. I swear I could still feel him next to me.
I must be going completely insane. I never have dreams like that.
I remember having nightmares about splitting up with him while we were together, and those felt very real. And the mornings I woke up from them I would either be crying are desperately reaching for my phone praying that it actually had been a dream.
But now I’m having dreams of him coming back to me. What. The. Hell?!
The hopeful part of my brain is sort of laughing telling me that this could be in the future. The rest of my brain is laughing back at it telling it how utterly stupid that sounds.
Why is this happening now? Almost three months on?
He is probably having the time of his life right now. He is probably happy and is getting ready to come home next week. He doesn’t care. He is probably glad he got rid of his burden. He wouldn’t care that I am still thinking of him, that I just want this all resolved. Or even better, for me to just wake up from this nightmare that has gone on for far too long.
And maybe this is part of the reason why I’m not sleeping well right now. My subconscious probably knows that I am going to have more disturbing dreams about him, when all I want is to be left in peace. I just want to get through this year happily, in one piece!
I am slowly losing my mind! Piece by Piece.