For three days this week I have managed to go to the gym.
For all of this week I have managed to ride my horse.
Twice this week I have gone to work.
And I also completed two Journalism assignments, one, two weeks early.
If I look back to what I use to do, that is nothing .. But I have to start somewhere. And so far this has been really good for my mental health. I am feeling a little better within myself (the nights that I don’t have some weird ass dream about my ex) and slowly I am able to do more things during my day.
To a lot of you, this mightn’t seem like anything, but for me … It is a big improvement from when I was curled up under my doona, crying my eyes out and PRAYING that in a year my ex would just magically come back to me.
I still have days, or moments in my day when I will see something, hear a song or something will trigger a memory that will pull at my heart. But I am able to bounce back from those days/moments. At times I still look at my calendar and wonder how I am going to get through this year, but then a small voice whispers, “well you’ve got this far, haven’t you?”
It can only get better from here. Since the break up, since he left to go back to base (basically 3 months ago), it has been a god damn struggle. I have felt my heart break over and over again, multiple times a day. I have had everything shouting at me not to get up in the morning and I have had to battle against my own heart, mind and soul to continue on but I have got to now. It’s still not easy. And it’s not going to be a walk in the park from now on either. I am fully aware that I am going to have my bad days again, but I am slightly comforted by knowing that those bad days don’t go on forever. They end. They disappear and so does the hurt. And then a brand new day, a lesson or something will emerge and make you realise that the bad days are worth it in the end.
It wasn’t until today, when I had my music blaring and I was running on my local road that I noticed that my heart didn’t hurt as much anymore. Dear god, I still miss him terrible. I still wish that we were together, that the break up didn’t happen. But the hurt isn’t as fresh. I am able to laugh, to smile to joke around. I am able to flirt with other guys without secretly wishing they were my ex.
The only thing that hurts now is the memories and the ache from missing him, which I am use to by now. There is still a small part of me holding onto my ex, hoping for another chance. But the rest of me knows that we’re over. That there is nothing more for me, I gave everything I was and he threw it back into my face. He may have cared, but I highly doubt he ever did love me. I know he lied throughout our whole 21 month relationship. I know that he might of felt hurt that he was breaking my heart, but that he would of got over it pretty quickly. I know that he has no regrets and that he’s led me on. I know that he feels sadness for the loss of our friendship, but I know that he doesn’t care enough to fight for it. I understand that he will never come back to me, and if he does nothing will have changed. I know that we could of had an amazing life together, but that it was just the wrong time for both of us. I completely understand now that I had to let him go in order for me to truly move on.
In the past week, I have come to a lot of conclusions about my relationship with my ex, which have led to peace.
The only thing I don’t know is, will he contact me when he gets his orders? Will he tell me where he is being based for the next few years?
And even though a large part of me has come to terms with how we ended and that we won’t have another chance, a small part of me still wonders, still is curious to see if we could make another go of it in another couple of years. And there is a part of me that wonders if we’ll ever be able to go back to being “just friends” when we’ve got the history we do?
I guess there are still somethings that are up for question, and they will only be answer at the end of this year. But for now I am content with my life.
It has been amazing to see what a little exercise, healthy eating and “me time” can do, how much it can heal the heart and mind.
It was pretty much the last thing I felt like doing straight after my break up and the death of my best friend, but slowly I have got there. And maybe I needed that time, maybe we all need that time, to heal. To cry and scream. To question God, “where the hell are you?! Why are you letting this happen to me?!?” Maybe we all need that time to grieve, and only grieve, before we are able to pick ourselves up and carry on.
Because three months on, I am able to pick up the pieces. I may not be able to successfully glue my heart back together again, but I feel that I am able to bend down and pick up the shattered and bruised pieces lying all over the floor.
You mightn’t be there yet, but try it. Test it out. Even if it’s just a slow walk with your dog. It helps, I promise you. And before you know it you’re able to look at the broken pieces of your heart and start collecting them again. You mightn’t be strong enough to use the super glue yet, but you might just have enough strength to reach out and touch the pieces on the floor. And that’s a start. That’s where we ALL start.
Just take a breath sweetie, and pick them up.
A Heart Beating For You 