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All posts for the month April, 2013

Yoyo Boy!

Published April 24, 2013 by Tasha

I swear he wants me to hate him. Really.

We talked tonight. It was fine for awhile until we got into a semi sort of deep conversation. He always, always, always turns our conversations into deep and meaningful’s. Sometimes its fine, especially when we were together it was great, but now that we aren’t, its just down right annoying. I try to keep things light hearted and turn things into a joke, but he keeps on persisted. It’s like he’s trying to prove something to me.
Telling me how he’s awesome, and hitting the town in his uniform tomorrow for ANZAC day. Implying that he’s hitting up all these girls. Treating me like a baby and pretending he’s an all big adult now and has more life experience than me. He goes on and on. Telling me that I can’t look after myself and that I just rely on my parents and another people.  Pretty much just looking down his nose at me.
I had a feeling that he’d changed, but I put it down to him putting his walls back up. No, not only has he put his walls up he’s changed. Not in a good way. He’s turned into something that he swore he wouldn’t be and that he’s so much better than. He is so much more than a egotistical prick. I know him, but this guy … The one he’s turned into ….? No and I don’t think i even want to get to know this new side to him.

He wants to talk about life experience? I’ve gone through and dealt with things most people don’t have to even see in their entire lives.
He wants to boast about the girls he’s having fun with? Honestly, it doesn’t effect me. Not now. Not anymore. I feel sad for him and sorry for any girl that forms an emotional attachment like I did. Because she will end up just as hurt as I was.
Sigh. Look, I’m not getting in a “my horse is bigger than your horse” argument, but I am sick of him talking down to me. That is one thing I CANNOT stand. No matter what you have been through, no matter how much older you are than me, DO NOT belittle the things i have been through.
He never use to do this, only just now.
But its a good thing. It makes me notice just how much hes changed and how much I don’t ever want to be with him again. Ever. I sweat he wants me to fight with him, its like he’s throwing these lines at me to see if i’ll bite and we’ll attack each other.
That time is over and while I understand, i do not want any part of the person he has turned into.

The only reason we keep in contact is so we are on friendly terms, just in case he decides to surprise me again. And honestly, he keeps coming back into my life and I’m tired of pushing him out every time. And we did have a really good friendship. If we can get that back or not, i don’t know. Especially if he keeps acting like this.

And after he has talked down to me and been a dick he then expects me to be supportive of him while he carries on about the military screwing him around. He then wants me to be happy and flirty and friendly. What is he? Delusional?

Dear lord, this guy is more back and forth then a freaking yoyo!!

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Clarity

Published April 21, 2013 by Tasha

I finally understand. Parts … Only parts I guess.

You all might think I have gone completely crazy, but hear me out and I’m sorry if I don’t explain it very well, it’s all still muddled in my head.

As of tomorrow, it will mark four months since my Airman and I went our separate ways. And even though we’re on friendlier terms now and we talk from time to time, it still hurts if I think about it too much. It hurts now because I understand.

I understand why he broke up with me. I understand that it hurt him to destroy someone he cares/d so deeply about. I understand that it was something he had to do. And even though he shouldn’t of lied to me about loving me and he should of told me sooner, I saw that he tried his hardest. He made me feel loved. And for some reason he just can’t love. For now. And its not me, its not my fault or something I could of prevented. It is just his issues that he has to deal with himself. He has to grow up.

I just wish he could see himself through my eyes. See how much of a wonderful boyfriend he was, even while he was training. I wish i could show him how much he means to me, and how proud of him I am.

And I might be the girl he falls in love with one day, or I may not be. But I am so so so grateful for the time spent with him. All the beautiful memories we gave each other.

At the end of the day he tried, and that’s all I could of asked of him. Its all any person wants in a relationship. All you want is someone to try for you. And he did.

I never saw his side before now. How it was just as hard for him to watch the girl he cares most about, fall apart because he simply couldn’t find the strength to love again.
I was too blinded by hurt, anger and confusion that I couldn’t see the pain that it caused him. I see that now, it’s evident in how we relate to each other. He doesn’t want to hurt me more so he tries too keep his distance, even though something keeps pulling us back towards each other.
And it will be hard for me to trust him again, or forgive him for lying to me … But I now see his side. He didn’t do it “just cuz”. He didn’t “play” me on purpose. I know he cared about me, deeply, he trusted me and gave a piece of his heart to me that he knew I could break.

In the end … We might have been the right for each other, but the timing was wrong. And if we’re meant to be, we’ll find a way back to each other. And if not, we’ll both just be beautiful memories that we can look back on.
And when I think like that, when I finally understood his side the raw pain of the break up lessened a little. It still hurts, but only because I understand that he did’t play me on purpose … He tried his hardest to feel something his heart couldn’t allow right now.
I just hope that one day it will. I hope that one day he will take the risk to love properly. I guess this is all part of the letting go process.

There’s just one more part to this that I can’t understand, not yet. Did he mean it when he said “I will come back to you” ? Did he mean it when he said he was going to fix himself and then see if we could have another chance? Was that from his heart, or something just to mask the pain?
I guess I’ll never get answers to some of my questions, but for now I’m content in what I am finally able to understand.

Autumn Weather … A Moment of Reflection

Published April 18, 2013 by Tasha

The sun is shining outside for the first time in weeks. There are a few white, fluffy clouds dotting the baby blue sky and there’s a cooling Autumn breeze rustling through the trees. It’s a picture perfect day. I should be out enjoying the weather while it’s still here.
But here I am, sitting in my room, wrapped up in a blanket staring out the window.
Why?

I think today is a day of reflection. I just finished reading a email from a girl that has helped me through my break up and the ups and downs of healing, she’s even encouraged me to get the tattoo I’ve wanted for awhile. Her email really put a few things in place. A few days ago I was really upset, or maybe “sad” is a more appropriate word for it. I was back to the place we all know so well. You smile and laugh with your friends and family. You go through the motions of the day, and for me that’s lectures, training, gym, work and study, but your heart isn’t really in it. In fact, half of you isn’t really there at all. You’re too busy focusing on your own hurting heart. And the more you focus on it the more it hurts. And the more it hurts the more you take notice of that feeling. It’s a vicious circle that is so hard to break.
I was back there again. Just a few days before my ex started talking to me, I was back crying myself to sleep and then waking up “happy”. I have no idea what brought it on, that hurt just suddenly appeared again. Today I could feel it happening again, but I rolled over in my bed determined to start fresh. I saw her email, read it about five times and noticed every time I read it things just slotted into place.
Thank you, you know who you are …. Your email came just in time.

I believe the unexpected death of someone close to you changes who you are, slightly. I mean, the death of someone close to you is devastating enough when it is expected, like your grandparents or (when you get old enough) your parents. But I’m talking about the death of your best friend. Someone who was so young. The death of someone that close to you is something you’ll never get over. And I believe that it has changed parts of me, it took away a certain innocence I held and it tainted my view of the world a little bit more.
I witnessed the accident myself, I was the one that was holding her when she died and I believe that I will never get over that. The pain of that will always be with me and I will learn to live with it. In time the pain will be numbed, but I won’t ever be able to forget that day, or the things that took place.
This happened about month after my ex and I broke up. And when Alysha died, he was the first person I wanted to turn to. I wanted his comfort, but there was no way I could get it. For my whole life he was the first person I would run to, no matter what, I would tell him. And in that moment, when I needed him more than ever, he wasn’t there. I wanted desperately to forget it happened, I wanted to wake up and see a text from her telling me good morning, or to see her with her new fiance. But I never got that wish.
At her funeral I promised her (and myself) that I would live each day like it was my last. I would cherish every minute because she’d shown me how short life can be.

The reason I went into detail there, is because of something my friend’s email showed me. Of course I miss my ex and I miss the person he use to be. I miss our memories. I miss having someone to turn to no matter what, someone who I am romantically involved with not family or friends. I miss having that physical comfort. And i miss all the feelings that come from being in a healthy, happy, relationship. But what I came to realise is I am confusing my two losses. Yes parts of me will always miss my ex and I will always love him to some degree, but I am transferring my loss of Alysha to my ex.

I truly believe that I have come to terms with the idea that my ex and I will never get back together, he is never going to change and he probably didn’t love me as much as he lead me to believe. But if I have come to terms with all that, why am I still crying myself to sleep?
I think its because the pain I feel from losing my best friend I just transferred all into my break up with my ex. People can only handle so much. And losing two people so close to me, people who I thought were going to be with me for the rest of my life was just too much so I only focused on one thing. My break up. Maybe because my break up was little less painful than Alysha’s death, I don’t know why … But now that I have come to terms with my ex and I and where we’re going to end up, My mind is allowing me to accept Alysha’s death a little more.
And that’s where the “sad” moments come from.

I look at my calender and sometimes I wonder how I’ve even got this far. Through all the pain I’ve felt, all I’ve had to go through pretty much alone in the past three or so months, I don’t know how I’m still even a functioning person.
I’m stronger than I give myself credit for, which is why these little breakdowns annoy me so much.
Hopefully those moments will disappear, I don’t like the feeling where you are losing yourself to heartbreak in the middle of the night.

I might go out and enjoy the weather while it’s here. Afterall, I don’t know how long this amazing weather is going to stay around. If Alysha were here, she’d be turning the music up and pulling me outside, just so we could sing and dance in the wind. Maybe I’ll do just that … For her.

Admitting

Published April 16, 2013 by Tasha

I miss him.
Crazy isn’t it … Almost four months on and something in me still misses him. I don’t know what about him I miss. I think I miss actually seeing him, hearing his voice. I miss his friendship … I know I miss our relationship, but I also realise that it’s over and there’s nothing else to it.
And it just hit me now, as we are talking, I actually really do miss him. Now that the rawness of the break up has warn off, now that all the anger has passed and we’re able to have a conversation without attacking each other, I can finally admit to myself that I miss him.

And who knew that admitting that to yourself could be so hard. I think it’s because you don’t know whether the other person misses you or not. Sometimes I get the impression that he’s just glad he’s got rid of a burden. Other times I get a sense that there’s something still there … There probably always will be. And I know neither of us will act on it.

I’m sitting on my bed, my doona and pillows keeping me warm. One of my puppies has curled herself up into a tiny little, white fluffy ball at the bottom of my feet. And I have got my Beats on listening to “Lucy” … Our song. And if I close my eyes I can still hear him singing it softly to me.

It’s then that I admit to myself, I really do miss him.

#8 – Letters To Him

Published April 15, 2013 by Tasha

To You,

For the past couple of days I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been tossing and turning … The type of sleep you always use to be able to stop with just a single touch or a innocent kiss. Do you remember?
Well the nightmares have come back. Only this time they are like memories. And I don’t know which ones I prefer, actual nightmares or being haunted by memories.
Well for the past couple of nights I’ve laid awake thinking over our final weeks together. I think over everything we both said and did, and I know things got in the way of us being able to really talk properly. Your anger and my insecurities  Two things that fuel each other and will never mix well.
If I had said this, or not said that would we still be together? If I had pushed away all my fears, and fooled myself into thinking that we were fine, would we be broken now? If I had run up to you and jumped on you, like you love, the day we first saw each other after 6 weeks apart, would we still be together? Or, with everything aside, would we still have broken up? Would the reasons still be the same?
One of my biggest fears is; did we both walk away from something that was or could of been true love? Did we throw away something that everyone else only dreams of?
I guess you’ll never answer those questions for me, mainly because you don’t even know and I suppose I can’t expect you to.

Even though I will never understand the reasons why you broke up with me and I will never understand why you could have hurt me so much, I respect that you did what you thought was right (for you) at the time. And I know that it was hard for you too. Maybe not as hard as it was for me, but you still felt the loss of a friendship and a serious, long term relationship and hurting someone you cared for so deeply. And as much as you would like both of us to forget our history, I know that there are parts we never will. Those moments will be forever etched into our hearts, and will pop up from time to time … Later on we will be able to look back and smile, but for now, I at least, still look at them with tears in my eyes.

And I just wanted you to know that even through all the hurt, and heartbreak, lost trust and broken promise, I don’t regret a moment with you. Each had it’s own beautiful lesson and the journey I had with you taught me far more than any other boyfriend could have. I will always be grateful for that. I don’t regret anything we did or the moments we spent together. The only thing I regret is how we ended, I regret the damage that has been done and the feeling that we both threw away something amazing. But I guess everyone regrets letting that special someone go.

As for forgiveness … I know that is something that will play heavily in our up coming friendship, and I believe that a big part of me has forgiven you. But there is still a part of my heart that hasn’t and probably wont for years to come. Not that it is holding any resentment, but I guess its my heart protecting itself. My head and heart knows how unpredictable you can be and how easily you can promise something and then break it. I think that I will never be able to fully forgive or trust you, but that’s okay. We can get by on that.
You did what you had to do. And things were said by both of us later on that we both wish we could take back. We both have let go and moved on enough to realise that nothing will ever come of “us” again …. But I can’t allow myself to fully trust you again. There’s just too much hurt and rejection there. And no matter what you want to believe, there will always be a history between us.

I guess we’ll just see where this takes us. We talked tonight, just for a little bit. But it was the first conversation in about 4 months we were able to have without you biting my head off. Its an improvement. And I may not hear from you for awhile again, but at least we are on friendlier terms.
I wish you well …. And I hope that you achieve your goals. I know that Air Force will help you get there and I know it has made you into the person you are today, the good and bad points … Both just as important.

Lets just take a deep breath and let this take us where it’s meant to.

Just One Boring Day

Published April 10, 2013 by Tasha

Sorry for the lack of updates .. I’m just lacking inspiration at the moment.

Right now the weather is all shitty, its rainy, cold and cloudy all the time. My days are full with Uni, gym and work. My life isn’t very interesting right now. But the upside to everything is that I am doing better.
Overall I don’t miss him (or maybe I am so use to missing him I have gone numb) and I feel ready to start dating again. I don’t have those moment when my heart pinches and my stomach sinks when I remember something. Memories don’t hurt so much anymore and I am able to look forward to the day I will have an amazing guy walk into my life and show me why it never worked out with anyone else.

In my Psychology tute today, we were talking about relationships, analyzing them and using the Attachment Theory. My tutor has known me for years and knew my story with my ex. She thought it would be example to use and one that would be good to “pick apart”. I was able to get up there, not naming him of course, and tell about 20 classmates my journey with my ex. Almost from start to finish.
By the end the girls in the class had tears in their eyes and I’m fairly use most of the guys won’t ever look at me the same, but I was able to be strong enough to talk about it and not feel any pain. None. Nothing. It was a good feeling. And I was able to laugh and smile as I recalled our memories and fantastic moments, because he will always be special to me and I will always cherish our moments together.

I don’t feel so pissed off with him all the time now. The anger has worn away, and I am just settling into a more peaceful state. It will be interesting to see what happens to both of us if we see each other when he comes home on leave in a few months. But this is all to do with the moving on process. I understand why we broke up and I have let him go. Now the last part of my healing is almost done, just the moving on part. I feel happy enough to start dating seriously again, in fact I want to.

For as long as I live my ex will always have a place in my heart and unfortuantly a small part of  my heart will always love him. I will always cherish our memories and keep him close to me. But now I know that I can live without him, I understand that he was there, my rock, in a time of my life that i so critically needed. That part is now over and I have moved on.
And I will always be grateful to him for teaching me so much, but he’s no apart of my life anymore and that is okay with me. Whether he wants to be apart of my life or not is he choice and right now I am content in just going about my life.

A Follow Up

Published April 4, 2013 by Tasha

Hahaha … I find myself laughing as I read my last post.
I’m sorry that it seems all over the place … I was pissed off. And I was just typing out my thoughts as they tumbled out.
Believe me, I’m still pissed … But it’s okay now. This is a good place for me to be in. I am not angry at the world, or anyone else .. Just him. And that will protect me.

I’m glad that he was able to tie up the loose ends while he was here. Neither of us meant to, it just happened … As everything does with us.

We agreed to be friends, but I never said I was happy about it. You might ask, then why be friends at all?
A big part of me still wants him in my life. Not a big part, not an important part. But a part.
Why?
Because I am so tired of THIS. I am so tired of him popping in and out of my life and then randomly contacting me. It shocks me, it makes me emotional, makes me angry and I am so over caring about it. I would much rather know where we stand and him and I to be on friendly terms than him just randomly pop into my life.

I know that doesn’t make much sense, but if you were in my position you would understand where I am coming from. Don’t worry, he is on the back burner. He has to contact me. If he doesn’t, then we don’t talk. Simple. I am so past the point of caring, its actually a relief and it’s the happiest I have ever been since December.

Just keep you head up beautifuls …. Your happiness is just around the corner. I promise.