For the past couple of days I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been tossing and turning … The type of sleep you always use to be able to stop with just a single touch or a innocent kiss. Do you remember?
Well the nightmares have come back. Only this time they are like memories. And I don’t know which ones I prefer, actual nightmares or being haunted by memories.
Well for the past couple of nights I’ve laid awake thinking over our final weeks together. I think over everything we both said and did, and I know things got in the way of us being able to really talk properly. Your anger and my insecurities Two things that fuel each other and will never mix well.
If I had said this, or not said that would we still be together? If I had pushed away all my fears, and fooled myself into thinking that we were fine, would we be broken now? If I had run up to you and jumped on you, like you love, the day we first saw each other after 6 weeks apart, would we still be together? Or, with everything aside, would we still have broken up? Would the reasons still be the same?
One of my biggest fears is; did we both walk away from something that was or could of been true love? Did we throw away something that everyone else only dreams of?
I guess you’ll never answer those questions for me, mainly because you don’t even know and I suppose I can’t expect you to.
Even though I will never understand the reasons why you broke up with me and I will never understand why you could have hurt me so much, I respect that you did what you thought was right (for you) at the time. And I know that it was hard for you too. Maybe not as hard as it was for me, but you still felt the loss of a friendship and a serious, long term relationship and hurting someone you cared for so deeply. And as much as you would like both of us to forget our history, I know that there are parts we never will. Those moments will be forever etched into our hearts, and will pop up from time to time … Later on we will be able to look back and smile, but for now, I at least, still look at them with tears in my eyes.
And I just wanted you to know that even through all the hurt, and heartbreak, lost trust and broken promise, I don’t regret a moment with you. Each had it’s own beautiful lesson and the journey I had with you taught me far more than any other boyfriend could have. I will always be grateful for that. I don’t regret anything we did or the moments we spent together. The only thing I regret is how we ended, I regret the damage that has been done and the feeling that we both threw away something amazing. But I guess everyone regrets letting that special someone go.
As for forgiveness … I know that is something that will play heavily in our up coming friendship, and I believe that a big part of me has forgiven you. But there is still a part of my heart that hasn’t and probably wont for years to come. Not that it is holding any resentment, but I guess its my heart protecting itself. My head and heart knows how unpredictable you can be and how easily you can promise something and then break it. I think that I will never be able to fully forgive or trust you, but that’s okay. We can get by on that.
You did what you had to do. And things were said by both of us later on that we both wish we could take back. We both have let go and moved on enough to realise that nothing will ever come of “us” again …. But I can’t allow myself to fully trust you again. There’s just too much hurt and rejection there. And no matter what you want to believe, there will always be a history between us.
I guess we’ll just see where this takes us. We talked tonight, just for a little bit. But it was the first conversation in about 4 months we were able to have without you biting my head off. Its an improvement. And I may not hear from you for awhile again, but at least we are on friendlier terms.
I wish you well …. And I hope that you achieve your goals. I know that Air Force will help you get there and I know it has made you into the person you are today, the good and bad points … Both just as important.
Lets just take a deep breath and let this take us where it’s meant to.