The sun is shining outside for the first time in weeks. There are a few white, fluffy clouds dotting the baby blue sky and there’s a cooling Autumn breeze rustling through the trees. It’s a picture perfect day. I should be out enjoying the weather while it’s still here.
But here I am, sitting in my room, wrapped up in a blanket staring out the window.
I think today is a day of reflection. I just finished reading a email from a girl that has helped me through my break up and the ups and downs of healing, she’s even encouraged me to get the tattoo I’ve wanted for awhile. Her email really put a few things in place. A few days ago I was really upset, or maybe “sad” is a more appropriate word for it. I was back to the place we all know so well. You smile and laugh with your friends and family. You go through the motions of the day, and for me that’s lectures, training, gym, work and study, but your heart isn’t really in it. In fact, half of you isn’t really there at all. You’re too busy focusing on your own hurting heart. And the more you focus on it the more it hurts. And the more it hurts the more you take notice of that feeling. It’s a vicious circle that is so hard to break.
I was back there again. Just a few days before my ex started talking to me, I was back crying myself to sleep and then waking up “happy”. I have no idea what brought it on, that hurt just suddenly appeared again. Today I could feel it happening again, but I rolled over in my bed determined to start fresh. I saw her email, read it about five times and noticed every time I read it things just slotted into place.
Thank you, you know who you are …. Your email came just in time.
I believe the unexpected death of someone close to you changes who you are, slightly. I mean, the death of someone close to you is devastating enough when it is expected, like your grandparents or (when you get old enough) your parents. But I’m talking about the death of your best friend. Someone who was so young. The death of someone that close to you is something you’ll never get over. And I believe that it has changed parts of me, it took away a certain innocence I held and it tainted my view of the world a little bit more.
I witnessed the accident myself, I was the one that was holding her when she died and I believe that I will never get over that. The pain of that will always be with me and I will learn to live with it. In time the pain will be numbed, but I won’t ever be able to forget that day, or the things that took place.
This happened about month after my ex and I broke up. And when Alysha died, he was the first person I wanted to turn to. I wanted his comfort, but there was no way I could get it. For my whole life he was the first person I would run to, no matter what, I would tell him. And in that moment, when I needed him more than ever, he wasn’t there. I wanted desperately to forget it happened, I wanted to wake up and see a text from her telling me good morning, or to see her with her new fiance. But I never got that wish.
At her funeral I promised her (and myself) that I would live each day like it was my last. I would cherish every minute because she’d shown me how short life can be.
The reason I went into detail there, is because of something my friend’s email showed me. Of course I miss my ex and I miss the person he use to be. I miss our memories. I miss having someone to turn to no matter what, someone who I am romantically involved with not family or friends. I miss having that physical comfort. And i miss all the feelings that come from being in a healthy, happy, relationship. But what I came to realise is I am confusing my two losses. Yes parts of me will always miss my ex and I will always love him to some degree, but I am transferring my loss of Alysha to my ex.
I truly believe that I have come to terms with the idea that my ex and I will never get back together, he is never going to change and he probably didn’t love me as much as he lead me to believe. But if I have come to terms with all that, why am I still crying myself to sleep?
I think its because the pain I feel from losing my best friend I just transferred all into my break up with my ex. People can only handle so much. And losing two people so close to me, people who I thought were going to be with me for the rest of my life was just too much so I only focused on one thing. My break up. Maybe because my break up was little less painful than Alysha’s death, I don’t know why … But now that I have come to terms with my ex and I and where we’re going to end up, My mind is allowing me to accept Alysha’s death a little more.
And that’s where the “sad” moments come from.
I look at my calender and sometimes I wonder how I’ve even got this far. Through all the pain I’ve felt, all I’ve had to go through pretty much alone in the past three or so months, I don’t know how I’m still even a functioning person.
I’m stronger than I give myself credit for, which is why these little breakdowns annoy me so much.
Hopefully those moments will disappear, I don’t like the feeling where you are losing yourself to heartbreak in the middle of the night.
I might go out and enjoy the weather while it’s here. Afterall, I don’t know how long this amazing weather is going to stay around. If Alysha were here, she’d be turning the music up and pulling me outside, just so we could sing and dance in the wind. Maybe I’ll do just that … For her.