I finally understand. Parts … Only parts I guess.
You all might think I have gone completely crazy, but hear me out and I’m sorry if I don’t explain it very well, it’s all still muddled in my head.
As of tomorrow, it will mark four months since my Airman and I went our separate ways. And even though we’re on friendlier terms now and we talk from time to time, it still hurts if I think about it too much. It hurts now because I understand.
I understand why he broke up with me. I understand that it hurt him to destroy someone he cares/d so deeply about. I understand that it was something he had to do. And even though he shouldn’t of lied to me about loving me and he should of told me sooner, I saw that he tried his hardest. He made me feel loved. And for some reason he just can’t love. For now. And its not me, its not my fault or something I could of prevented. It is just his issues that he has to deal with himself. He has to grow up.
I just wish he could see himself through my eyes. See how much of a wonderful boyfriend he was, even while he was training. I wish i could show him how much he means to me, and how proud of him I am.
And I might be the girl he falls in love with one day, or I may not be. But I am so so so grateful for the time spent with him. All the beautiful memories we gave each other.
At the end of the day he tried, and that’s all I could of asked of him. Its all any person wants in a relationship. All you want is someone to try for you. And he did.
I never saw his side before now. How it was just as hard for him to watch the girl he cares most about, fall apart because he simply couldn’t find the strength to love again.
I was too blinded by hurt, anger and confusion that I couldn’t see the pain that it caused him. I see that now, it’s evident in how we relate to each other. He doesn’t want to hurt me more so he tries too keep his distance, even though something keeps pulling us back towards each other.
And it will be hard for me to trust him again, or forgive him for lying to me … But I now see his side. He didn’t do it “just cuz”. He didn’t “play” me on purpose. I know he cared about me, deeply, he trusted me and gave a piece of his heart to me that he knew I could break.
In the end … We might have been the right for each other, but the timing was wrong. And if we’re meant to be, we’ll find a way back to each other. And if not, we’ll both just be beautiful memories that we can look back on.
And when I think like that, when I finally understood his side the raw pain of the break up lessened a little. It still hurts, but only because I understand that he did’t play me on purpose … He tried his hardest to feel something his heart couldn’t allow right now.
I just hope that one day it will. I hope that one day he will take the risk to love properly. I guess this is all part of the letting go process.
There’s just one more part to this that I can’t understand, not yet. Did he mean it when he said “I will come back to you” ? Did he mean it when he said he was going to fix himself and then see if we could have another chance? Was that from his heart, or something just to mask the pain?
I guess I’ll never get answers to some of my questions, but for now I’m content in what I am finally able to understand.