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All posts for the month May, 2013

Military Orders & Maybes

Published May 30, 2013 by Tasha

Well he hands in his papers today to get cleared for leave.

I’m kind of nervous. Even though he has been doing excellent in his training, he hasn’t been getting into trouble and he’d been passing everything, his chain of command can still say no. And then what can you do? Nothing. If they won’t grant him leave, then I don’t see him until he graduates at the end of this year.

He’s talked about me coming to see him, just like I did when we were together. But … Something tells me not to. I don’t know what it is, but I probably should listen to it. I want to. I want to see him as much as possible. I want to be with him all the time. But there’s a huge BUT. That and I don’t have any money whatsoever to spend on plane tickets, food and hotel rooms.

And I don’t want him getting the idea that I’ll just hop to when he says. I didn’t mind when I was his girlfriend, in fact I loved it. I loved everything about traveling to him. I loved spending time with him, even if it was in a small, unknown town. And I miss all of it. I miss the flying, I miss the feeling I use to get, i miss staying up late and getting up at 12, trying to find a place was still serving breakfast. I miss waking up to him right there. I miss meeting his friends and checking out Base. I miss walking around the small town with him talking about everything and nothing. I miss all of it, so much. And I want to do it all again. But not like this. Not in this uncertain, fragile state. I have got to keep my heart locked up for now.

Sometimes, even though I am glad we have be able to make it this far, we had just fought a little harder. Things would be so much different. No buts, no ifs, no maybes, just a simple yes.

Oh well. I’m happy we are able to be in this spot again.
All being well he’s here in  7 days!

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Temporary Love Story

Published May 26, 2013 by Tasha

13 days.

13 days until he comes home for the long weekend …. 13. Days!

I don’t even know how to feel about this. I have a million conflicting feelings. But most of all I feel like how I use to feel before I saw him. That sudden rush of butterflies, sweaty palms, that silly little grin, that feeling where you just cannot stand still. I use to be shaky getting off that plane. That stupid little plane that had these tiny, rickidy steps you had to try and navigate with people behind you, pushing to get off and the people in the small terminal watching you, looking for their loved one. I was always so scared I was going to stack it.
And then, with my bag slung over my shoulder and trying to make sure i didn’t get blown away by the wind, I would walk with the others around the glass terminal, feeling as if a million eyes were on me. I would walk through those sliding doors and be met by other people waiting for their person to appear, and I would search for Him. And he would always be there, without fail, with that amazing smile of his. And I would drop my bags and run to him, having him pick me up and swing me around, trying to kiss me at the same time.
Sometimes he’d be in uniform and people would smile and point at our happiness. Sometimes there would be other couples like us, some arriving with me, others saying goodbye. And for those few days I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

Now … I’m feeling like that again. And I’m trying not to. Even though we are fixing things and even though things are going in the right direction, we still aren’t officially together. Which, really, is good for the both of us. But … it makes feeling like this weird and confusing, among exciting and thrilling.

I warned him that I might tackle him when i see him …. We haven’t had time together since January. And then we wont see each other again until he graduates at the end of this year.

I honestly can’t wait to see him … It’s been such a bumpy road for us, it’ll be nice to have a break from it and just enjoy each other’s company.

Twist of Fate

Published May 25, 2013 by Tasha

I’m pretty sure my head is still spinning.
This is a twist that I didn’t really see happening.

My ex and I are fixing things. As in really trying to fix things.

I know. I sounds COMPLETELY insane. After everything he’s put me through, after everything we’ve been through, we’re still willing to fix things. He’s actually getting help. He’s really serious about this. Me, on the other hand, is really scared and hesitant. This could blow up in our faces, badly, and destroy both of us in the process.

There is still a lot of damage control to do, and a lot of mending and healing from the both of us …. But at least he’s getting help, at least he’s trying and is serious about it all.

I honestly don’t have much to say … Its still so new. So far we have talked every night and we talked all day/night today.

There’s a big part of me that is locked away, but we will be able to get there. I hope. Maybe?

Can two people, who have gone through what we have, come back together?
I don’t know.
I guess only time will tell. But the first step has been made …. We are both willing to rebuild our friendship & rebuild it enough to take it a step further.

I’m sorry i haven’t made much sense … My head is still reeling and IM still trying to make sense of all this. But i needed to write it all down … It feels so surreal.

I know this much …. I have my best friend back!

Quick, Boring Update

Published May 22, 2013 by Tasha

It’s been a little while since I wrote and I’ve got to say, I’ve missed it.

Currently I am smack bang in the middle of assessment. I feel like having a breakdown every time I look at all  my assessment. Between national’s training and Uni assessment I hardly have time to function as a normal human being!
So I haven’t forgotten you all, beautiful people, I am just extremely busy and have no emotional energy to write something good!

For the past three days my ex and I have been talking. It’s nice. No, it’s better than nice. Its almost back to the old days. We have been flirting our asses off as well as talking about our past. Talking about feelings we still have, chances we wanted and maturity issues regarding our past relationship.
Nothing has changed. And I don’t think it ever will. But its nice to know that I’m not crazy for having feelings for him still and relieved that HE actually has feelings, deeper than the superficial stuff, and is an actual human being.

I just hope it doesn’t blow up in my face and ruin all the healing I’ve done.

Training for nationals is hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be but my body is getting tougher. It only complains here and there. Haha.

I hope you’re all doing okay. Remember I’m here if you need anything!

Keep your head up beautifuls!!!

Dangerous Roads & Realisations

Published May 14, 2013 by Tasha

I was having such a good day today and then the conversation with my ex went down a dangerous path … And now I feel like shit. Angry and upset.
Why I keep doing this to myself, I don’t know. You would of thought i’d have learnt by now. But no. Will I ever?

At least it shows me one thing. There’s a VERY good reason why he’s my ex and a reason why he’ll stay that way.

We ended our conversation in a fight. Which I hate doing, we never use to do things like that.
I just wanted to know his reasons. The honest, real reasons for taking things as far as he did with me. He took it as I as an attack and maybe it was the way I worded it, maybe he was already angry at something .. I know that the conversation was heading down a dangerous road.
And after he got pissed at me and shut me out, I said to him:

“U tried. I saw that. Im not angry with you, Stop acting like im attacking you. I just wanted to know for me .. U have no idea how much I have tortured myself with what ifs. If I had done this. If I had said that. If I hadn’t let my insecurities get in the way … If i had been more supportive .. Is it me? What did I do wrong? Was i not good/pretty enough? … The list is endless. No I am not angry with you, I don’t blame you & I’m not attacking you. I just wanted to kno, for me, for my mind. Im sorry. The last thing I want is for you to hate me. Sigh. Goodnight.”

I laid it out all, but my bruised and broken heart out on the line again. I hate doing that when I know that he doesn’t really care that much about it all. He cares in his own way, which is better than nothing at all I suppose. I don’t know what the response will be or if I will even get one. I don’t know if I will hear from him again.
But that’s all part of the healing, isn’t it?

I know I am making it harder for myself then I should be. But … talking to him IS part of my healing. Having him answer questions (pretty unsuccessfully) and helping me put the pieces together is healing me. It may not make me feel better but … it is a healing balm of sorts.
And every time we talk he shows me how much he has changed and exactly why we didn’t and wont ever work out. I doubt we will even work out as friends, unless i can swallow the image of the guy I feel in love with and deal with who he has become.

I don’t know. Although I do know that I don’t feel devastated about his answers and his outburst as I would have been a month of so ago. Which is progress. Its more just putting the pieces together and understanding where things went wrong. More so that I don’t make the same mistake with another guy.

As one friend said to me, “You can love him for who he was in your life. You can love him for all the memories and moments, all the hopes and dreams the two of you had. Love him for all he is and realise that he isn’t that person anymore. There is nothing wrong with loving him for who he was in your life.”

Which is a perfect way of describing where I am with all of this. I love him for who he was in my life for 18 years. I love him for all he did and all he was in my life. I will always be grateful for that and I will always cherish the moments and memories we had. His memory will always have a place in my heart. But am I in love with him? No. I was. But not anymore. Love and being IN love is two different things and people get them confused all the time.

I still don’t have all the pieces or answers I want and I know that I will (most likely) never get them. Tonight was the last time I will mention “us” or our history. Its the way he wanted it.
I am content in knowing most of the story.

A Shout Out!!

Published May 9, 2013 by Tasha

I just wanted to give a shout out to all my followers.

When i started this blog I would of never have thought I would get the type of responses I have. Messages and comments have flooded in. More and more followers come through each day.
I would never have imagined I would help and touch people in the way they say I have. I am truly amazed and fortunate to be able to help people who have or are going through the same things I have.

I started this blog as a girl who was head over heels in love with her best friend, her “soul mate”, her Airman. And when I came back to this blog, I came as a girl who had grown up but was also badly broken … And now I’m starting to heal.

You have all been there throughout that journey. Through my highs and lows. And I cannot thank you enough for the continued support and love. Part of my healing (and surviving) was this blog.
Thank you for allowing that.

I have made some great friends through this blog, one girl in particular that has helped me through this whole healing process (you know who you are hun!).

Just … I wanted to say … Thank you. You all have been so amazing and patient with me and my blog. You are amazing people and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

And if anyone needs to talk, some advice, or anything, I’m here. I want to return the love you have all shown me.

Flashback – 8 May 2012 –

Published May 8, 2013 by Tasha

Today marks one year since my (ex) boyfriend enlisted for the RAAF. I was stuck at school when he flew out, i didn’t get to see him off. But i did see him the night before.
Feelings were mixed.
I was scared. So was he. And both of us didn’t know if we could make the distance work. But for 7 months we did.

Tonight he posted a status about the enlistment and it took me back. Took me back to all our memories, the good and bad. The reunions and  goodbyes. The late night phone calls and early morning texts. The late nights/early mornings I would talk to him while he was on piquet duty. The plane rides and times running through the airport to catch my flight. The tears and smiles. The heartbreak and love. The dropped skype calls and the rejoicing when it actually worked.
So many things flashed in my mind when i saw his status. So many feelings.

Even though we aren’t together anymore and we never will be again, and even though we are just on a very superficial friendship basis right now, i am so so so proud of him.
I remember what he had to go through. I remember all the personal hurdles he had to jump through. I remember the phone calls where i could hear his heart breaking. And i remember how proud he was when he graduated from basic. I know he will be equally proud when he graduates from this last bit of training.
And only I saw what he had to struggle through, he hid that from everyone else.

And because of all he’s achieved, I will always be proud of the man he has become. There are parts of him that needs work, there are parts of him that have changed for the worst and I hate it. But there are also parts of him that have grown, parts that are so beautiful and gentle and there are parts that have healed.
I know deep down he is going to be an amazing man someday, its just a shame that I’m not the girl who will get to eventually enjoy that.

So … Babe … If you ever read this, let it be known that I will ALWAYS be proud of you and a part of me will always miss and love you. That part is what kept me fighting till the end and it is the part that will always be waiting for you to return. Even though all the other parts of my heart know you wont.
You will be someone so gorgeous and amazing someday, I just wish we could of held on a little longer, fought a little harder than we did.

One year ago you were just a guy who was scared, facing the unknown, today you have grown into someone I admire and are proud of.

To you my love.