Today marks one month (give or take a week) before one of my close friends deploy.
This will be his third tour.
But our first as friends …. Decidedly more than friends.
This will be my first deployment. Haha .. Okay that sounds like I’m the one going off to war … But you know what I mean.
And I don’t know how to feel about it.
First off, lets get one thing straight. We aren’t together. As in, we aren’t dating. We were going to, but at the time we were talking about it he got his orders and I wasn’t ready. I still don’t think I am. He knows what a deployment is all about, he’s been through it twice already and he didn’t think it was a good idea for a new relationship to start off in a war zone. Sure, people do it all the time and sometimes they make it through. My hat goes off to them. But after losing my best friend, after getting my heart broken, the two of us thought that we shouldn’t risk anything right now. I agree, I understand where he is coming from.
If something where to happen, neither of us wanted to get our hearts broken again.
We agreed to revisit the situation once he returned, but that wont be for at least a year. We haven’t promised each other anything, and we both realise that it is a far off idea. It is something in the future. And if I’ve learnt anything from my ex, its not to throw away an amazing friendship for a maybe relationship.
Pretty much we are both leaning towards just staying friends. We have a really good friendship and even though we like each other enough to have a good relationship …. Right now its just not worth it. I’m not ready, in any way … And I’m not that keen to jump back into a military relationship. We are both comfortable in staying friends.
But this doesn’t make the deployment any easier. We have talked about how we are going to contact each other, and I’m kind of excited to try a skype call (yeah, I haven’t done one of them before) and I’m a little excited to receive letters from him, having the experience to send care-packages.
But the thought of him being shot at, the thought of him being shot, being injured, dying …
Well, it doesn’t do anything for my stress levels!
I know how the army works, I know roughly how a deployment works. I just … I’ve never been through it before. I know he’s not my boyfriend (and part of me is relieved, believe me), but he still is one of my closest friends and we have been through so much together. The thought of him not being here anymore …. I can’t handle that thought.
And .. On a more selfish level … I don’t want to lose any more friends. I don’t want to keep losing people close to me. I don’t want my heart to be shattered all over again. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it this time.
The good thing is we still have time. I can’t tell you much about when he leaves, but I can say that we still have some time. And when it comes time for him to leave, I’ll be there to send him off, along with his amazing parents, hug him for the last time and whisper “i”ll see you soon”. And then after his time is done, I’ll be there to welcome him home.
Yay for deployments!