I was having such a good day today and then the conversation with my ex went down a dangerous path … And now I feel like shit. Angry and upset.
Why I keep doing this to myself, I don’t know. You would of thought i’d have learnt by now. But no. Will I ever?
At least it shows me one thing. There’s a VERY good reason why he’s my ex and a reason why he’ll stay that way.
We ended our conversation in a fight. Which I hate doing, we never use to do things like that.
I just wanted to know his reasons. The honest, real reasons for taking things as far as he did with me. He took it as I as an attack and maybe it was the way I worded it, maybe he was already angry at something .. I know that the conversation was heading down a dangerous road.
And after he got pissed at me and shut me out, I said to him:
“U tried. I saw that. Im not angry with you, Stop acting like im attacking you. I just wanted to know for me .. U have no idea how much I have tortured myself with what ifs. If I had done this. If I had said that. If I hadn’t let my insecurities get in the way … If i had been more supportive .. Is it me? What did I do wrong? Was i not good/pretty enough? … The list is endless. No I am not angry with you, I don’t blame you & I’m not attacking you. I just wanted to kno, for me, for my mind. Im sorry. The last thing I want is for you to hate me. Sigh. Goodnight.”
I laid it out all, but my bruised and broken heart out on the line again. I hate doing that when I know that he doesn’t really care that much about it all. He cares in his own way, which is better than nothing at all I suppose. I don’t know what the response will be or if I will even get one. I don’t know if I will hear from him again.
But that’s all part of the healing, isn’t it?
I know I am making it harder for myself then I should be. But … talking to him IS part of my healing. Having him answer questions (pretty unsuccessfully) and helping me put the pieces together is healing me. It may not make me feel better but … it is a healing balm of sorts.
And every time we talk he shows me how much he has changed and exactly why we didn’t and wont ever work out. I doubt we will even work out as friends, unless i can swallow the image of the guy I feel in love with and deal with who he has become.
I don’t know. Although I do know that I don’t feel devastated about his answers and his outburst as I would have been a month of so ago. Which is progress. Its more just putting the pieces together and understanding where things went wrong. More so that I don’t make the same mistake with another guy.
As one friend said to me, “You can love him for who he was in your life. You can love him for all the memories and moments, all the hopes and dreams the two of you had. Love him for all he is and realise that he isn’t that person anymore. There is nothing wrong with loving him for who he was in your life.”
Which is a perfect way of describing where I am with all of this. I love him for who he was in my life for 18 years. I love him for all he did and all he was in my life. I will always be grateful for that and I will always cherish the moments and memories we had. His memory will always have a place in my heart. But am I in love with him? No. I was. But not anymore. Love and being IN love is two different things and people get them confused all the time.
I still don’t have all the pieces or answers I want and I know that I will (most likely) never get them. Tonight was the last time I will mention “us” or our history. Its the way he wanted it.
I am content in knowing most of the story.