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All posts for the month June, 2013

#9 – Letters to Him

Published June 25, 2013 by Tasha

To You …. You know who you are,

Usually I know where to start these letters, but tonight my mind and heart is all jumbled. Sometimes I hope to God and everything good that you read these letters, to see how far I’ve come and how far we’ve come. To know my thoughts and feelings, ones that I can’t or I’m too afraid to tell you.
For a while there I was going to end these, sometimes heart breaking, letters … But tonight I felt the need to write to you again, no matter how silly it may seem.

We haven’t spoke in almost a week. That week has been one of the longest, most heart wrenching weeks I could have ever imagined and I really needed you. I need you and the progress we’d made. But instead I was met with silence. You once said to me, “I’ll always meet you half way.” Well where were you?
I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this silence. I know I made a mistake, but it was nothing compared to what you’ve put me through. And yet, I have still forgiven you and I have still wanted you. Yet, when I make a mistake, like having our history cloud my judgment for a few days and getting angry, you block me out.
Why?

I know I could talk to you. I could easily text you or send you a message. But why should I? Why should I put myself out there when you clearly don’t want to talk to me.

I have been torn for days. Should I fight for what we have? Or should I walk away? I really want to fight for you, but I’m sick of chasing you. I want to be with you, but I want you to show me just how much you want to be with me. You have said it time and time again but then you ignore me. I don’t want to look desperate or clingy. I want to be my own person but I want you in my future. I want all those plans we made only just 7 months ago.
I want to understand.

I remember what you said in December. I remember it so clearly and I remember the look of longing you gave me those few days you were here recently. I just don’t know what it means.

Please just come back to me.
You know that a part of my heart will always be waiting for you, and that’s the part that will always be fighting for you, loving you, even if it looks like I’m taken by someone else.
Please don’t wait until it’s too late.
Don’t put me in that position. Please.

Time to Stop Running

Published June 19, 2013 by Tasha

After what has seemed like a life time … I have survived exam block. Finally, holidays are here and just in time.

Only part of me is able to celebrate, the other part of me is still left floundering. I have decided that these next four/five weeks are going to be devoted to getting my life in order. This week I received some very disturbing news that has tipped my world upside down and it’s something I can’t tell anyone. I have only been able to tell my family and my best friend, but other than that I can’t breathe a word in case the press catches wind of it.
And since the news, I have retreated into my bedroom with Gossip Girl and only emerging for food, showers and cuddles from my puppy. Honestly, I have been hiding. I don’t want to face my world right now.

Between the news and my ex … I’ve been feeling so lost. Before I got angry at him things were going so good, perfectly actually and now we’re not even talking. I know, I could just talk to him and I’m sure he’ll be happy enough to talk to me, but something is telling me not to. I’m not sure if its my pride or a gut instinct. I just wish he’d talk to me and let everything go back to normal. I miss him and the little progress we’d made.

I have been running away from my life and it has to stop now. The more I hide, the worse I feel. And I can’t do it anymore. I think part of the reason I’ve been hiding is because there are certain things I don’t want to let go of. I don’t want to reinvent my life because I’m still holding onto my past with my ex and the beautiful memory of my best friend who passed away. They were apart of the world I’m in right now and if I change it, even slightly, part of their memories and touch dies … A little. For weeks I haven’t wanted to deal with that.
But now I have to. I’m not happy with how I’m living, or the type of toxic people playing a role in my life right now. I’m not proud of the person I am becoming nor am I thrilled with how things are going right now. And I know I’m the only person who can change all of this.

It’s time to stop running away, no matter how painful the healing is going to be, and fix the mess I call my “life”.

Wish me luck.

MIA -Blame exams!

Published June 14, 2013 by Tasha

I’ll make this quick, I promise.

So I’ve been a little MIA lately and I’ll continue to be for a few more days while I complete my exams. Yesterday I had my first of two psych exams … It went okay. Not amazingly, but with a bit of luck I’ll pass. Tomorrow is my second psychology exam and I don’t know how well I will do. It’s all about the things that I can’t seem to get, it just wont stay in my head.

A day after my last post my ex and I talked. We got into a big argument over what happened when he came home and we haven’t talked since (which is a big deal for people who talk everyday). It all comes down to both of us pushing each other away, even though we don’t want to. The fight is both our faults, me assuming that i had a right to know what he was doing and demanding answers, when we’re not together, and him (typically) promising things that he can’t follow through with. The whole “friends” thing is still so new to us and we can’t seem to grab hold of the concept. We are both use to holding hands, kissing, hugged, playing around whenever and where ever and we just can’t do that anymore. That will take time to get use to and unfortunately time is something we don’t have.
I have thought about apologizing, breaking the ice, but I dunno .. I almost feel content right now. I don’t miss him, I don’t have an ache, I don’t feel like crying and I don’t really think about him as much as I use to. I mean … I’d love it if he were here, if i could see him as much as I use to. But I don’t feel like its a do-or-die thing, you know? And maybe its because I am in the middle of exams that i HAVE TO pass so they’re all I can think about. Or maybe this is a way to protect myself from him hurting me again … And maybe, just maybe, I am finally letting him go a little further.
Whatever it is, I know that last weekend when he was here proved something to me. I don’t know exactly what it was, but it settled something inside of me.
Maybe it’s just “time” doing it’s job. Who knows … And right now, who cares?

Oh! And I have also found myself a new TV show. Its trashy, of course, but trashy TV is what you need on rainy days and exam time … Its Gossip Girl. Yeah I know its old, but I have never watched it before … Its’ actually keeping me pretty entertained once I finished destroying my brain because of study.

NO JUDGING! Haha 🙂

I hope you’re all doing okay, and life is treating you well …. I think as this blog has proven, life throws you shit but eventually your world rights itself again and you are able to carry on, stronger than you were before and ready for the next curve ball.

Ramblings

Published June 11, 2013 by Tasha

Please excuse this post … I just need to get this off my chest.

I’m sitting here, in my almost spotless room, drowning in textbooks, crumbled bits of papers, pens, highlighters and whatever else is scattered on my bed. The typical situation of a studying student. It’s pouring outside and it’s freezing, hence why I’m studying in my bed. My mind is mush, I don’t think I can possibly do any more study right now, so I guess its why I’m writing.

I know I should stop writing about my ex. I know I should move on and try to forgive him. Maybe even go as far as forget a lot of things. I know what is good for me, letting him go is good for me. But I can’t seem to do it, not 100% anyway. Ironically I thought I would miss him more than I am, after he left. But instead I just feel a dull ache. Maybe its the ache of defeat. He never said goodbye, didn’t even have the decency to send a message. I saw his mum’s car on the road, heading towards the airport, so I know that he has left and he is on base now.
I guess I just feel disappointed. Actually I don’t know how I feel. Things were almost perfect when he saw each other the night he flew in. And then it all fell apart after breakfast. I have no idea what happened.

Its like those movies, or the stories you hear. Suddenly someone just disappears. Whether its the girl or the guy, they just suddenly pack their bags and leave. No warning, no note, no nothing. Leaving the other person thinking, “what the fuck happened?”
Well I guess I knew when he was leaving sort of, but it was a given we would see each other before he left. Like we ALWAYS do. No matter what, even if it’s only for a short couple of minutes, we will always say goodbye. And considering after all he said and knowing we won’t see each other until Christmas … I don’t understand any of it.

And I guess I have no one else to talk to about this. My parents don’t even know I saw him. My friends have never been in my position, either they haven’t experienced a relationship or their boyfriend’s are with them all the time. So as much as they try to help, and sometimes do, their advice is vague because they just don’t know. A few of my friends think my ex and I are meant to be, while others (never being in a relationship before) are screaming at me to walk away.

Okay. Okay. I’m sending the wrong message here.
Just so you guys know, I’m not “waiting” for him. I am not hoping for him to come back. I just want to understand why he took off like that. I want to know what caused him to suddenly act so cold towards me. And I want to figure out why he said all these things and then spent two hours with me the whole time he was here.

I keep having these one sided conversations with myself. I sound crazy right? But I bet all of you have done it before. You sit there and have this conversation, about all you want to say to them. And then after awhile you start to work yourself up. I have done it a few times to the point where I have wanted to punch him in the face.
Sometimes I like to harbor my anger at him than feel sadness, it hurts less.

One things for certain I’m leaving him to contact me first. I know that sounds childish, and I know that sounds like I’m playing games. But I can’t keep “throwing” myself at him, or appear to be doing so. I can’t keep opening up to him, only for him to shut me down time and time again. And I have to let him know that this wasn’t okay. Right now I don’t know what’s okay and what’s not, but taking off without a “goodbye” seems like a pretty not okay thing to do. Even as friends, you say goodbye to your friends right? Even if it’s just a message.

Anyway … If you’ve read this far you deserve a medal. I’ll stop rambling now and hit the books again.

Maybe Nothing’s Left

Published June 10, 2013 by Tasha

I know some of you are keen to here what happened while my ex was home … And I wish I could tell you that we talked and lived happily ever after. But I think we all know these things don’t happen.

He flew in friday afternoon and we agreed to see each other for coffee. I was nervous as hell, but as soon as I saw him it completely disappeared. He made me happy, laugh and smile through out the hour we spent together. I was feeling good, so was he and I thought this was going to be a good couple of days.
A few days before he came home we had wanted to meet up for breakfast Saturday morning, but friday he told me he couldn’t because he was meeting his friends earlish that morning. It was a bit of a bummer but I understood that I wasn’t the only person wanting to see him. But Sunday morning was organised to have breakfast and spend the whole day together. He had been saying that for a while, sunday was “our day”. I was happy he was putting in the effort.

He spent all Saturday and that night out with his friends, I was glad he was having fun. But he got home at God knows what hour of the morning. He then didn’t wake up until 9:30. I didn’t worry too much because we had until about 6pm that day. He messages me and tells me that we can go for breakfast but he’s meeting his friend (the same one he spent all Saturday with) for the races at 11:30. By the time we got to our agreed meeting point it was 10:30 am. And i was not happy. He had been telling me for days that we would get good time together Sunday and here we were racing through our breakfast before his friend got here. As soon as we were finished eating, he stood up, paid, and we walked off. I was cold, to say the least to him. I made conversation, but I was seriously not happy.
We met up with his friend and hurriedly said goodbye before I walked off.
You know that feeling half way between super pissed off and wanting to cry? Yeah I was there.

From my understanding he spent all day out with his friend, came home for dinner, watched a few movies with the family and went to bed. He didn’t even want to talk to me. When I made conversation with him he seemed uninterested and cold. Very cold.

He flies out in a hour, and they should be leaving for the airport now. And he hasn’t said a word to me. Nothing. Silence. At this point I’m pretty sure I’m not even going to get a chance to say goodbye to him. Keeping in mind I won’t see him for another 6 months of so, when he graduates and gets his posting orders. I have NEVER not said goodbye to him. I always meet him down at the flat and say goodbye, even if it’s only for a few minutes. And I don’t think I have ever been so confused in my life.

The weeks, days leading up to him coming home he was all on about wanting to see me every minute he could, wanting to be with me so much, being incredibly sweet and putting in as much effort as distance could allow for me. Now it’s like he’s a completely different person.

At times I feel like he associates me with “home”. And when he comes home, he doesn’t need my comfort anymore. Sometimes it feels like he wants me because we have history and maybe because he doesn’t have to work so hard, because we already know too much about each other. Where, I want him in a completely different way.

Maybe I read too much into it? Maybe he was lying .. Again? Maybe I’m just stupid. And … Maybe this is God’s way of telling me that there’s nothing left here for “us” anymore.

Just a Little Bit of Honesty

Published June 5, 2013 by Tasha

I guess I have to be honest there. Sometimes I feel like this is the only place I can be honest, without having to sugar coat something. The only place that won’t really offend someone.
I feel shitty. I didn’t at the start of the day… but now .. I feel like shit. All I want to do is crawl under a rock and stay there. I want this week to be over, but at the same time I don’t. I have two exams next week, I’ve done no study. I have an assignment due at the end of this week, I haven’t even started it.
I feel like my life is a mess right now. My room is a mess, my head is a disaster zone.
I need the holidays here.

To be totally honestly I am TERRIFIED to see my ex again. I am so so so scared that I wont be the girl he has been trying to remember the past 6 months. That I’m not going to meet his expectations. A part of me is really excited to see him, that part of me can’t wait. The part that still wants to be with him, the same part that will happily run into his arms.

The other, bigger part of me is so scared. Of what, I’m not sure exactly. But everytime I think about seeing him in two days …. My stomach knots up and it feels like I am going to throw up my heart. I don’t know what he expects and I, myself, don’t know what to expect.
Why am I doing this to myself again?

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that he wants to see me and is making the effort. I just …. Ugh.

Is “Ugh” a feeling? Because if it is, that’s what I’m feeling right now. I can’t even put my feelings into thoughts. I …. Yeah.

Maybe I’m just confused … Today I was helping a friend with “boyfriend issues”. And in the end I was able to help her work it through and she realised that it was HER that was creating the issue between them because of baggage from her past relationship (she ended a 3 year relationship and in the space of a month is now with her current boyfriend of two months). I was happy that I was able to help her, but it made me miss having a boyfriend and it made me realise how much of a fucked up situation I am in. I still want a guy that totally destroyed me. And yes, he’s working through his crap … But that still doesn’t heal me. And I have put myself in this position, when really I should’ve just walked away. I should have kept deleting his texts, I shouldn’t have picked up his calls.

Ugh. I don’t know. All I know is that I am terrified to see him and again, but at the same time, thrilled that he still feels something for me, wants to see me and is putting in an amazing amount of effort to deal with himself and “us”.

I wish there was a magic pill to make this all better.
I’m sick of feeling like this.

Tiny update

Published June 1, 2013 by Tasha

Just a little update before I race off to boring work.

My ex and I had another big talk last night.
To be honest, things are starting to slip. Nothing bad has happened, I just don’t see why we broke up any more. He wants me, I want him … What is the problem? Am I missing something?
I’m too scared to ask him what is going on, just because I am stick of being rejected by him. I seriously don’t know what is happening right now with us, but things are looking okay.

We’ll see what happens when he comes home … Argh. 5 days!!!