I guess I have to be honest there. Sometimes I feel like this is the only place I can be honest, without having to sugar coat something. The only place that won’t really offend someone.
I feel shitty. I didn’t at the start of the day… but now .. I feel like shit. All I want to do is crawl under a rock and stay there. I want this week to be over, but at the same time I don’t. I have two exams next week, I’ve done no study. I have an assignment due at the end of this week, I haven’t even started it.
I feel like my life is a mess right now. My room is a mess, my head is a disaster zone.
I need the holidays here.
To be totally honestly I am TERRIFIED to see my ex again. I am so so so scared that I wont be the girl he has been trying to remember the past 6 months. That I’m not going to meet his expectations. A part of me is really excited to see him, that part of me can’t wait. The part that still wants to be with him, the same part that will happily run into his arms.
The other, bigger part of me is so scared. Of what, I’m not sure exactly. But everytime I think about seeing him in two days …. My stomach knots up and it feels like I am going to throw up my heart. I don’t know what he expects and I, myself, don’t know what to expect.
Why am I doing this to myself again?
Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that he wants to see me and is making the effort. I just …. Ugh.
Is “Ugh” a feeling? Because if it is, that’s what I’m feeling right now. I can’t even put my feelings into thoughts. I …. Yeah.
Maybe I’m just confused … Today I was helping a friend with “boyfriend issues”. And in the end I was able to help her work it through and she realised that it was HER that was creating the issue between them because of baggage from her past relationship (she ended a 3 year relationship and in the space of a month is now with her current boyfriend of two months). I was happy that I was able to help her, but it made me miss having a boyfriend and it made me realise how much of a fucked up situation I am in. I still want a guy that totally destroyed me. And yes, he’s working through his crap … But that still doesn’t heal me. And I have put myself in this position, when really I should’ve just walked away. I should have kept deleting his texts, I shouldn’t have picked up his calls.
Ugh. I don’t know. All I know is that I am terrified to see him and again, but at the same time, thrilled that he still feels something for me, wants to see me and is putting in an amazing amount of effort to deal with himself and “us”.
I wish there was a magic pill to make this all better.
I’m sick of feeling like this.