Just a Little Bit of Honesty

Published June 5, 2013 by Tasha

I guess I have to be honest there. Sometimes I feel like this is the only place I can be honest, without having to sugar coat something. The only place that won’t really offend someone.
I feel shitty. I didn’t at the start of the day… but now .. I feel like shit. All I want to do is crawl under a rock and stay there. I want this week to be over, but at the same time I don’t. I have two exams next week, I’ve done no study. I have an assignment due at the end of this week, I haven’t even started it.
I feel like my life is a mess right now. My room is a mess, my head is a disaster zone.
I need the holidays here.

To be totally honestly I am TERRIFIED to see my ex again. I am so so so scared that I wont be the girl he has been trying to remember the past 6 months. That I’m not going to meet his expectations. A part of me is really excited to see him, that part of me can’t wait. The part that still wants to be with him, the same part that will happily run into his arms.

The other, bigger part of me is so scared. Of what, I’m not sure exactly. But everytime I think about seeing him in two days …. My stomach knots up and it feels like I am going to throw up my heart. I don’t know what he expects and I, myself, don’t know what to expect.
Why am I doing this to myself again?

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that he wants to see me and is making the effort. I just …. Ugh.

Is “Ugh” a feeling? Because if it is, that’s what I’m feeling right now. I can’t even put my feelings into thoughts. I …. Yeah.

Maybe I’m just confused … Today I was helping a friend with “boyfriend issues”. And in the end I was able to help her work it through and she realised that it was HER that was creating the issue between them because of baggage from her past relationship (she ended a 3 year relationship and in the space of a month is now with her current boyfriend of two months). I was happy that I was able to help her, but it made me miss having a boyfriend and it made me realise how much of a fucked up situation I am in. I still want a guy that totally destroyed me. And yes, he’s working through his crap … But that still doesn’t heal me. And I have put myself in this position, when really I should’ve just walked away. I should have kept deleting his texts, I shouldn’t have picked up his calls.

Ugh. I don’t know. All I know is that I am terrified to see him and again, but at the same time, thrilled that he still feels something for me, wants to see me and is putting in an amazing amount of effort to deal with himself and “us”.

I wish there was a magic pill to make this all better.
I’m sick of feeling like this.

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3 comments on “Just a Little Bit of Honesty

  • Well it would seem that you gave us more than a little bit of honesty and isn’t it great that we can blog about stuff to complete strangers, unapologetically? It’s like free therapy. I want to help you out with this because, I think I can.

    First and foremost: Clean your room. I actually hate being in my room when it isn’t clean. In fact, I am like you, in that I cannot think clearly or feel cleansed unless my room reflects that mood. Make sure your haven is sacrosanct as much as possible. I know that can be tough around test time. I have the LSAT next week and I am actually AVOIDING my room because I haven’t made time to love it. That will change today, so I am taking my own advice. You will feel better. Play music. Don’t answer your phone. Think about school.

    Second: THINK ABOUT SCHOOL! Girl, if this week didn’t suck for you, I’d have to question how seriously you take your academics. I mean that to say your anxiety is totally NORMAL. Keep calm and strategize. Make a list of things that you have to do, and in what order. Tackle some of the little things first so that you can feel accomplished and motivated as you cross things off of your to-do list. Take study breaks and watch trashy tv online or go for icecream or coffee, then hit the books again. You will do fine. You know why? Because this is something everyone goes through, and they survive. Here’s the best news you’re gonna get all day about your anxiety: when this week is over, and when next week is over, you will never see these weeks again. By the end of next week, what is done will be done, as long as you bust your ass to get there. So suck it up and get it done so you can be free to think of something else…

    Which leads to the THIRD thing: What you are feeling, everything you are feeling about said boy is normal as well. It seems that you are allowing this guy to live in your head rent free. I get it, you love him. I think in the time that he was acting up and sending you messages and essentially asking you to put up with him despite the fact that he railroaded your heart unapologetically speaks to the fact that he got to take advantage for free. You have a larger capacity to forgive him because you love him, and that’s wonderful. But forgiveness should never be for someone else, it should be for you. And you haven’t forgiven him. Not forreal. That is why you feel so much nervousness and maybe even question yourself. Girl, you gotta ask yourself the same thing that I ask myself: Is he the end all be all? Maybe he is. But right now, he can’t protect you, because he has shown that he hasn’t. So that means YOU’ve gotta protect you. That means do what you want. If you want to see him around, and you want to spend time with him, then go ahead and have fun. But don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that there aren’t consequences for the way he treated you. This entire blog is about him. This is your healing process. He is in your thoughts every day. He made you question who you really are, and made you feel uncomfortable with it. And all he can do is say, “I’m sorry, I’m fucked up, hey, I’m coming home, let’s hang out?” Hell to the no. Do what you want because he makes YOU feel good. Do everything to make YOU feel good. You are doing this for you and not for anyone else. Not to feel validated, not to feel loved. You can and will get that elsewhere. But he’s gotta start anew just like any other new guy that would come into your life. And then you will know if he’s forreal. Does he need to know all of this? Nope. This knowledge, this emotional arsenal, is for you. Love yourself enough to protect YOU in all of this, and you will be fine. You may even get him back for good. And if you don’t, so what. You did everything you could, and you’re a great girl with a great heart.

    One last thing: A lot of times, men don’t know if they are coming or going and struggle to articulate their emotions. That is not your problem. You don’t need to take any more responsibility for what happened, and you also don’t need him to evaluate you. Having said that, you ARE going to be different. You shouldn’t be the woman you were six months ago, because,..that was six months ago. You are ever evolving. You are moving forward. You have a present and future to get to. The fact is, the you that you were six months ago cannot fit the now. Too many things have occurred. You are all the more wiser than you were before. You are more introspective and you are humbled by what happened. So no, you’re not going to be that woman from six months ago. And if that is what he’s looking for, then that’s not what he’s going to get. Know that it isn’t a terrible thing to evolve. Don’t try to go backward. That is something my father always said to me. Either he’s going to evolve with you, or not evolve at all. If anything, you may find that you’ve outgrown him in that time. Doesn’t mean you love him any less, just means that you have different expectations, and you won’t hold all of the emotional responsibility.

    Listen girl, you’ve got this. Kick some ass on your tests, take a deep breath, stay positive and stay in control. And you will do just fine. Good luck. 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your honesty and advice. You are completely right about everything (oh wise one!). And just after I sulked and ranted with that post, I cleaned my room. I dusted, mopped, I did pretty much everything you could think of to clean a room. And as expected, I felt a lot better.

      I also made a big list of what I need to do. Organising everything for the next week and a bit I have of exam block. Which has also helped and helped me concentrate on my psychology study. Now I just need to stick to it and get through the next week or so. Which I know I can do, its not that different from high school.

      And about this boy … Last night he contacted me (as always) and we have another big talk. It made both of us realise a lot of things, nothing extremely bad, just things that cleared both our heads. I thought he had expectation, when really he has none, apart from just seeing me again. I do want to see him, and I want to hang out with him for ME. Honestly I do, its just exited/nervous energy. And I use to get it all the time when I’d fly to see him. But as you said, not all of me has forgiven him. Which I guess will come in time. A part of me is still angry at him and hurt, which are not good things for forgiveness. The other part of me though, has but not ready for us to “start over”. I am okay with being friends for now. More than okay. After my little rant, I have tried to set myself in a different position. A position that if he “fixes” himself and we try again, then great. But if he doesn’t, I haven’t spend the last whatever amount of time waiting for him to come back to me, and I will be okay. In this position I wont be disappointed or hurt.

      But right now, I am totally thinking about my exams. I have to. It makes the time go a little bit faster too until the day I’ll be seeing him.

      Thank you so much for your encouragement and the kick up the ass I needed 🙂 I hope you’re doing okay and you’re going to do amazing on your exams! Before you know it you’ll be in law school.

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