Please excuse this post … I just need to get this off my chest.
I’m sitting here, in my almost spotless room, drowning in textbooks, crumbled bits of papers, pens, highlighters and whatever else is scattered on my bed. The typical situation of a studying student. It’s pouring outside and it’s freezing, hence why I’m studying in my bed. My mind is mush, I don’t think I can possibly do any more study right now, so I guess its why I’m writing.
I know I should stop writing about my ex. I know I should move on and try to forgive him. Maybe even go as far as forget a lot of things. I know what is good for me, letting him go is good for me. But I can’t seem to do it, not 100% anyway. Ironically I thought I would miss him more than I am, after he left. But instead I just feel a dull ache. Maybe its the ache of defeat. He never said goodbye, didn’t even have the decency to send a message. I saw his mum’s car on the road, heading towards the airport, so I know that he has left and he is on base now.
I guess I just feel disappointed. Actually I don’t know how I feel. Things were almost perfect when he saw each other the night he flew in. And then it all fell apart after breakfast. I have no idea what happened.
Its like those movies, or the stories you hear. Suddenly someone just disappears. Whether its the girl or the guy, they just suddenly pack their bags and leave. No warning, no note, no nothing. Leaving the other person thinking, “what the fuck happened?”
Well I guess I knew when he was leaving sort of, but it was a given we would see each other before he left. Like we ALWAYS do. No matter what, even if it’s only for a short couple of minutes, we will always say goodbye. And considering after all he said and knowing we won’t see each other until Christmas … I don’t understand any of it.
And I guess I have no one else to talk to about this. My parents don’t even know I saw him. My friends have never been in my position, either they haven’t experienced a relationship or their boyfriend’s are with them all the time. So as much as they try to help, and sometimes do, their advice is vague because they just don’t know. A few of my friends think my ex and I are meant to be, while others (never being in a relationship before) are screaming at me to walk away.
Okay. Okay. I’m sending the wrong message here.
Just so you guys know, I’m not “waiting” for him. I am not hoping for him to come back. I just want to understand why he took off like that. I want to know what caused him to suddenly act so cold towards me. And I want to figure out why he said all these things and then spent two hours with me the whole time he was here.
I keep having these one sided conversations with myself. I sound crazy right? But I bet all of you have done it before. You sit there and have this conversation, about all you want to say to them. And then after awhile you start to work yourself up. I have done it a few times to the point where I have wanted to punch him in the face.
Sometimes I like to harbor my anger at him than feel sadness, it hurts less.
One things for certain I’m leaving him to contact me first. I know that sounds childish, and I know that sounds like I’m playing games. But I can’t keep “throwing” myself at him, or appear to be doing so. I can’t keep opening up to him, only for him to shut me down time and time again. And I have to let him know that this wasn’t okay. Right now I don’t know what’s okay and what’s not, but taking off without a “goodbye” seems like a pretty not okay thing to do. Even as friends, you say goodbye to your friends right? Even if it’s just a message.
Anyway … If you’ve read this far you deserve a medal. I’ll stop rambling now and hit the books again.