After what has seemed like a life time … I have survived exam block. Finally, holidays are here and just in time.
Only part of me is able to celebrate, the other part of me is still left floundering. I have decided that these next four/five weeks are going to be devoted to getting my life in order. This week I received some very disturbing news that has tipped my world upside down and it’s something I can’t tell anyone. I have only been able to tell my family and my best friend, but other than that I can’t breathe a word in case the press catches wind of it.
And since the news, I have retreated into my bedroom with Gossip Girl and only emerging for food, showers and cuddles from my puppy. Honestly, I have been hiding. I don’t want to face my world right now.
Between the news and my ex … I’ve been feeling so lost. Before I got angry at him things were going so good, perfectly actually and now we’re not even talking. I know, I could just talk to him and I’m sure he’ll be happy enough to talk to me, but something is telling me not to. I’m not sure if its my pride or a gut instinct. I just wish he’d talk to me and let everything go back to normal. I miss him and the little progress we’d made.
I have been running away from my life and it has to stop now. The more I hide, the worse I feel. And I can’t do it anymore. I think part of the reason I’ve been hiding is because there are certain things I don’t want to let go of. I don’t want to reinvent my life because I’m still holding onto my past with my ex and the beautiful memory of my best friend who passed away. They were apart of the world I’m in right now and if I change it, even slightly, part of their memories and touch dies … A little. For weeks I haven’t wanted to deal with that.
But now I have to. I’m not happy with how I’m living, or the type of toxic people playing a role in my life right now. I’m not proud of the person I am becoming nor am I thrilled with how things are going right now. And I know I’m the only person who can change all of this.
It’s time to stop running away, no matter how painful the healing is going to be, and fix the mess I call my “life”.
Wish me luck.