#9 – Letters to Him

Published June 25, 2013 by Tasha

To You …. You know who you are,

Usually I know where to start these letters, but tonight my mind and heart is all jumbled. Sometimes I hope to God and everything good that you read these letters, to see how far I’ve come and how far we’ve come. To know my thoughts and feelings, ones that I can’t or I’m too afraid to tell you.
For a while there I was going to end these, sometimes heart breaking, letters … But tonight I felt the need to write to you again, no matter how silly it may seem.

We haven’t spoke in almost a week. That week has been one of the longest, most heart wrenching weeks I could have ever imagined and I really needed you. I need you and the progress we’d made. But instead I was met with silence. You once said to me, “I’ll always meet you half way.” Well where were you?
I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this silence. I know I made a mistake, but it was nothing compared to what you’ve put me through. And yet, I have still forgiven you and I have still wanted you. Yet, when I make a mistake, like having our history cloud my judgment for a few days and getting angry, you block me out.
Why?

I know I could talk to you. I could easily text you or send you a message. But why should I? Why should I put myself out there when you clearly don’t want to talk to me.

I have been torn for days. Should I fight for what we have? Or should I walk away? I really want to fight for you, but I’m sick of chasing you. I want to be with you, but I want you to show me just how much you want to be with me. You have said it time and time again but then you ignore me. I don’t want to look desperate or clingy. I want to be my own person but I want you in my future. I want all those plans we made only just 7 months ago.
I want to understand.

I remember what you said in December. I remember it so clearly and I remember the look of longing you gave me those few days you were here recently. I just don’t know what it means.

Please just come back to me.
You know that a part of my heart will always be waiting for you, and that’s the part that will always be fighting for you, loving you, even if it looks like I’m taken by someone else.
Please don’t wait until it’s too late.
Don’t put me in that position. Please.

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