It has been awhile since I have logged on here and I’m sorry for that. I’ve been avoiding my life. I have to stop doing that, funnily enough.
Nothing much has changed since my last post, but I thought I should write something.
My ex and I haven’t talked since late June, he has made no effort to contact me. Which makes me feel like complete crap. I know a lot of you say that no contact is good. But we’ve tried that, and we couldn’t keep away from each other. There was always something pulling us back together. But since he came home for those few days, something changed. Something broke. And we haven’t been “us” since then. Whether this is good or bad I don’t know. I miss him, I miss my best friend, I miss him in my life and I certainly miss “us”. But in saying that it is getting better, bit by bit. Instead of a heart gripping pain there’s just a dull ache in the back of my heart. Just like him, he is always in the back of my mind, I can always feel him there, but my life isn’t spiraling out of control without him or the thought of it. That’s progress.
Last weeks sometime my little sister and I went to Screamworld, which is Dreamworld (one of Australia’s theme parks) at night. There was a live DJ, smoke machines, laser lights and of course (most importantly) heaps of thrill rides going. We met two great, lively guys that night and the taller, better looking one of the two asked for my number at the end of the night. He seemed liked a nice guy, sensible and kind and I don’t have much to lose so I gave it to him. We have been texting back and forth since then and he keeps insisting on a relationship. I told him briefly my history with my ex, as he did and we agreed to get to know each other better. Like normal people.
His age concerns me a little, he is 9/10 years older than me and I have always envisioned myself with a guy that is around my age … I have always been willing to date someone 5 years older, 10 is pushing it a little.
Since my break up, im not ready to jump into a relationship that could turn into something serious quickly and I get a feeling that is what this guy wants.
I just really want to remain friends.
My state training is coming along very slowly, I took three weeks off when I shouldn’t off and today was the first day back. I want to die, I’m so sore and tired. But its in a good way. I’m also trying to tone up a lot more. I don’t like my body right now (yes, I’m aware of how vain I just sounded), so I’m moving towards better, healthier eating, more exercise and a better overall mental health.
Lets see how long it lasts when Uni starts.
On a completely different note, part of why I set up this blog was to write everything; feelings, thoughts, moments, memories, everything … Sort of like a diary …
Point to that is to look back on it one day and laugh, smile and cry along with the memories and moments. And today, I have a thought. It was a crazy one, but a thought nonetheless.
I thought about packing up my life and moving to America. Yes, packing up my horse, my studies, my whole life and continuing it in a whole different country.
My logic? Everywhere I go I think of Him. Everything is a trigger for a memory, and even though I’m moving on, it still tugs and pulls at my heart strings in ways I never thought they still could. That isn’t the only reason, I need a change, I want to attend a collage rather than attend a Uni and go back home every day. I want to live somewhere completely different.
I’ve weighed up the pros and cons and I have the rest of the year to decide …. I’m caught between the two.
Next post … I’ll show you all my pros and cons and maybe one of you will be able to shed some light on it.