Oh So Very Confused …

Published August 28, 2013 by Tasha

I’ve just come from my dancing class … It’s partner dancing and I had a great time. It was my first time there so I had no clue what I was doing, but I soon learnt to just get led by the guy.
During the breaks I was talking to my ex.
Yes that’s right …. Since my last post, about a day after, he sent me a message and we’ve been talking almost everyday ever since. Clearing things up and trying to build a new bridge. We’ve been getting friendlier and friendlier but I have made sure that I don’t get close enough to get hurt again. So when I received this piece of information I have no idea why it’s bothered me so much.

I can’t even remember how we got onto the topic, but he suddenly blurted out that he’d slept with someone else after we broke up. Bold and underline AFTER. He did not cheat on me.
But I cannot shake this feeling. I don’t know if it’s disappointment or sadness or what. But i just have a pile of questions swimming around in my head. Was she better than me? Prettier than me? Did she mean something to him? Or was it just a one night stand? Is it a reoccurring thing?
And i cannot understand why its bugging me so much. We have been broken up for months, true we have been trying to fix our situation but that does not give me any right to him and he doesn’t have any rights over me. We are both technically single and can do what we please.

It’s now 11:45pm and I’ve tossed and turned for over an hour. I can’t sleep. I’m not hurt by it, maybe I’m just shocked? When he told me my heart stopped and my blood seemed to run cold. I didn’t even register what i was reading, i just KNEW what it said. I wanted to be sick. I still want to be sick.

I wish I knew why I felt like this. It’s not like I’m in a ball crying my eyes out. I just feel …. Meh. That’s the best way i can explain it. Almost blank, but just with a slight sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, a slight ache to my heart.
Maybe I’m not as “over” him as I thought i was? Or maybe this is how you feel when you see or hear about the person who you loved being with someone else.

All I know is that it seemed to be a one time thing. That i still mean so much to him and he still wants to fix things between us, build new bridges. That should be enough, right?
So why do I feel like this every time I think about him with another girl?

Its going to be another long, sleepless night. Luckily I have tomorrow off from Uni and training.


2 comments on “Oh So Very Confused …

  • Ok, this is an easy one.

    First, Porscha, I am willing to put a fat number on the table and say that this girl was probably a downgrade. Usually, when a guy does something detestable or something that warrants guilt later, it has a lot to do with his emotional recklessness. And that does not require that the girl has a pretty face, or super banging modelesque body. Not to demean another woman, but it has nothing to do with her being attractive. It has everything to do with the attention he received, which required very little effort. And that is exactly what he needed. He needed to be legitimized in some way for his actions or decisions with you by doing what he thought would make him feel good. He feels like a bag of garbage because he knows that while he slept with that other girl, he also had his heart and mind on you. Ironically, that is likely why he did it. A lot of guys do things like this, admit it later and then say that they cannot exactly articulate why they decided to do it in the first place. Don’t worry about her. She is likely not in the picture anymore, for she served her purpose.

    You feel sad about the situation because you are reliving how sad you were THEN. It was a sad time for you and it was a very devastating blow that required nearly a year of healing. It is still a process, and when he talks about what happened, he kind of takes you back to the you that you were. Your heart is probably like, “Oh hey, heartache, good to see you too, I remember you…” But that’s only because you know what that Porscha went through and how bad it hurt her. If you go to deep, you may not be able to come back, so be careful, don’t stay back there in the past too long!!!

    I tell my guy friends how it really sucks when a guy tells you something to relieve themselves of the guilt they feel. All it is going to do is set you both back in whatever kind of relationship you are trying to pursue, and they’ll resent you later for not taking it well… Which is hilarious because they told you because it was eating at them so much and OF COURSE you’re going to be upset. They think the onus is on you to forgive them because they cannot forgive themselves. I would say thank you for being honest and keep looking forward if you’re going to be friends with him. You don’t need to be forgiving or think it’s no big deal simply because he needs to feel better about what he did. He should feel like garbage for that. Again, that is not on you. Just keep moving forward, take that on the chin. If you can get past it, then get past it. It isn’t relevant anymore, especially if he didn’t cheat on you.

    Whew! Ok, I hope that helped. I was talking back to the computer while I was reading your entry, haha. Okay have a great week and good luck!!! You’re not bugging out, what you feel is normal and you are not regressing. Peace and Love.

    • Thank you so much for this. I think I was overtired and stressed from uni when I posted that. Because I woke up the next morning and wasn’t as sad as I was when I found out. I surprised myself when I noticed how fast I “got over it”. He did bring it up again and pretty much said exactly what you just said. He took his guilt out on a girl that didn’t deserve it. And he cannot understand for the life of him why he did it. Do I believe him? Fifty fifty. But it’s something I have moved past and I told him that yes it did bother me, it did upset me at first but thank you for being honest. She is still hanging around in the picture, purely because she wants more “action”. But he has been saying no to her for months. I found out that this happened within a few months or so after our break up. And I have also realised that most of the healing is done, that I didn’t fall back into that black hole I used to be in. He has attempted to bring up our break up a few more times but everytime it’s failed. As in he ends up just shutting down. And I told him to stop bringing it up. Its not fair to either of us and its just making him feel like crap and making me remember where I used to be. I told him if he wants to talk about it for the purpose of healing, then fine. But only when he feels as if he can get through it without having some sort of mental break :p

      Thank you though for giving me more … insight into the situation both you and him have cleared up a lot for me.

      It’s funny when someone comes crawling back to you, how much you realised that you have changed and maybe moved on from them. I never thought I’d say that.

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