Something happened to me a fortnight ago. It changed me and I know it has changed my life. And it’s something that will always haunt me, no matter how much time or healing passes.
I’m not ready to say what it is, hell I can’t even say it aloud … to anyone.
I’ve told as little people as possible, a grand total of 5 people know. All very close to me, all devastated and all burdened by it. I never wanted that. I’m one of those people who will do ANYTHING to make sure my loved ones aren’t hurt by me, burdened, disadvantaged by me. One of the people that I’ve told, who were one of the firsts to know, is Him. It was a massive step to let him know. He could of done two things, accepted what had happened and be willing to help me or freak out and run away. I was terrified of the second option happening as he has a habit of doing things like that.
But instead he came through. He has stood by me, believed in me, helped me, basically he’s been my knight in shining armor. How he sees me, how he treats me is no different to how he treated me before it happened. He as been amazing and i cannot thank him enough for his constant care and support.
But now it’s my time to be there for him, and i don’t know how. He finally found out his orders … Where he will be posted for the next three or so years. Its ages away from home, its a 4/5 hour plane ride and a 2/3 hour car ride to get to him. When he told me, my heart stopped and then broke a little for the both of us. He’s not happy but he’s trying to make the most of it. I’m proud of him for doing that. But I know he needs support, I just have no idea how to give it to him. I don’t know what to say, because i was hoping, praying, wishing he’d get the base here at home. And its hard to be strong when you’re equally as disappointed.
At times he is okay and other times, a lot of the time for the past week, he’s been pushing me away, pulling away. And there’s nothing I can do, nothing that seems to get through to him. All I want to do is be there for him, hug him, reassure him that it wont be so bad … Even if I don’t believe it. But he’s purposfully avoiding me, not terribly, but its there. And he does this everytime there is a massive change coming up. He goes from being himself, to overly protective and caring, to pretty much dropping off the face of the earth or pushing me away to the point I get frustrated, back to being himself. And this process could take months.
I don’t know. I wish I could be with him, but I can’t. He still has another few weeks of training before his Grad and then he’ll be moving to his new base and then home for christmas (fingers crossed!). He needs a break.
The Military sucks sometimes.