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All posts for the month December, 2013

“A lot can change in a year”

Published December 31, 2013 by Tasha

I can hardly believe that a year as nearly been and done. It has gone too fast. And I can hardly believe that this time last year I was curled up in my bed, bawling my eyes out feeling like I’d never be okay again. I can’t believe how my life has changed, how much I’ve grown and just how much I have learnt about myself. About the power of the heart, the meaning of forgiveness and love, knowing that I just have to have faith.

It would of been just a few short days from now that He said those words, “a lot can change in a year”. I didn’t believe him. At that time he was my best friend, my recently ex boyfriend how had ripped my heart out in the cruelest way without much of a reason or warning. I refused to believe him when he said, “I’ll come back to you.” I wanted to desperately to believe that, I wanted to cling onto that. I wanted to be assured that I would be given happiness with him again. But as with all break ups, you aren’t given that reassurance. So I had to go on without him and with that I grew stronger. I became more independent, wanting my own things and forming my own dreams. I had my fair shares of falls, only a month after my break up, my best friend was murdered. She died in my arms. And that is something I will never heal from, I will only learn to live with the ache of her absence. Her murder, or “accident” as we thought it was at the time, has been a on going thing. But that helped me grow into the person I am now. And then my parents announced their divorce.  Which coming from a Christian household was like having the ground open up and threaten to eat you. That taught me, is continuing to teach me, one hundred and one things. And then I had something truly awful happen to me in October, it has taken a toll on both Him and me. That situation taught me to be careful who I trust, who I drink around and to always be on guard, even if you’re with your closest friends.
Everything that has happened this year has shown me the power of being and adult, the harshness of consequences, and the strength of the human heart and soul.

Last year I was barely getting through New Years. I was on a little boat, watching fireworks with my family. Forcing laughter and faking smiles. I kept checking facebook and hovering my finger over the “friends” button next to His name. It was the only form of contact I could of had, I’d deleted everything else and anyone else associated with him. On that boat, pretending that I was happy, I tried hard not to remember the previous New Years. We’d been on a beach, he spent hours upon hours telling me what he had planned for us. Our little day dream. To have that crash down, is something I could never explain.

This New Years has done a total 360. My ex and I (Him) have overcome so much, we have both healed and grown. We have supported, encouraged and carried each other through our darkest moments,  and now it’s time to just relax and let go. Having him here for New Years is one amazing thing in itself but going out, spending this time together, exploring our city’s nightlife together …. These are the memories that we will take with us when we’re apart.

As fast as 2013 has gone, I am not sad to see it go. I have big expectations for 2014 and I pray, I hope, that 2014 is miles better than the year I’ve just had. It is starting well though.
I have my Airman, the man of my dreams, holding me, surrounded by our closest friends. I have an amazing dress that I’m completely in love with and for once this year I am happy. Nothing fake about it. Nothing forced. I am happy, excited, thrilled …. For the first time in a while I feel free and comfortable.
That’ something, isn’t it?

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The Beginning of the End

Published December 17, 2013 by Tasha

I can feel it. I can slowly feel the year coming to an end. Christmas season is in full swing, is boiling hot with clear morning skies and summer night time storms. Decorations are up everywhere and the crazy Christmas rush will soon appear. The shops will be packed in the next few days, making the simple task of getting milk and bread a two hour mission. It all comes with the season I guess, it doesn’t bother me.

But this Christmas feels broken.

My parents, who brought me up to believe that love is everlasting and marriage is forever, told my sister and I about their separation a few months back. This will be the last Christmas as a “family”.

This will be my first Christmas without my best friend Lissa. And that hurts more than I could ever express. It hurts so much that at night I don’t sleep, I don’t even cry. I just stare at the ceiling until my mind gives up and sleep pulls me away.
Lissa and I had so many plans. We were meant to go to Italy, Paris, Germany, Greece …. Europe these holidays starting the day after Christmas. It was going to be a three month holiday, just us. We had been organizing it for the whole year, and having our boyfriends meet us at our last destination Greece (if it was possible). She was my rock. She understood the Military life. Her long term boyfriend was an Airman, just as mine was. I miss her everyday. Its is just a month and  half off a full year of her murder. And the day that I saw my world crumble. I would give anything to have her back.

To add to my stress … Is Him. He alone hasn’t done anything. That I know of. Apart from being radio silent today. Yesterday we had a talk about his mother. He wants to have another talk to her, as she disapproves of “us”. And for “us” to actually have a future he needs her to be happy about it. And I get that, man, I do. But he also doesn’t know the full story. He doesn’t know the history between her and me and how she absolutely terrifies me. She has so much power, and she has hurt me so much in the past. When he gets back home he wants to get everything out in the open. Which means that I have to talk to him about what she’s done and said to me. Just writing it down is making me shake.
Telling him can go two ways. He can run or he can work through this with me … Just like he said. I just want him home.

On a happier note though, he comes home this weekend for a month. Which is simply amazing. Right after he leaves I’ll be moving out.
Yes! Leaving home … Packing up and making the next step to adulthood. We haven’t got a place yet, but we do have a place to go to if we don’t find a house soon. It will be a good start to 2014. I am very excited to start this new chapter! And really its the only thing thats keeping me afloat right now. I have so many things going on in my life, a lot of things ending while others just beginning. It feels like my head is going to explode!

But … I am looking forward to the end of 2013. This year was an absolute nightmare and I will be glad when it is behind me.
Its the Beginning of the End. 2014 WILL be my year!

My Promise To You

Published December 17, 2013 by Tasha

Let me just make this clear … I did not write this. But I think it is amazing and so very true. Every military spouse would be able to relate to this.

A lovely lady wrote this during her husdand’s second tour.
beautifully written.
http://toloveasoldier.blogspot.com.au/2011/02/promises.html

I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me. I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week – most likely the week after you deploy. I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me. I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions. I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me. I cannot promise that there won’t be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it. I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it. I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.

But I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door