I can hardly believe that a year as nearly been and done. It has gone too fast. And I can hardly believe that this time last year I was curled up in my bed, bawling my eyes out feeling like I’d never be okay again. I can’t believe how my life has changed, how much I’ve grown and just how much I have learnt about myself. About the power of the heart, the meaning of forgiveness and love, knowing that I just have to have faith.
It would of been just a few short days from now that He said those words, “a lot can change in a year”. I didn’t believe him. At that time he was my best friend, my recently ex boyfriend how had ripped my heart out in the cruelest way without much of a reason or warning. I refused to believe him when he said, “I’ll come back to you.” I wanted to desperately to believe that, I wanted to cling onto that. I wanted to be assured that I would be given happiness with him again. But as with all break ups, you aren’t given that reassurance. So I had to go on without him and with that I grew stronger. I became more independent, wanting my own things and forming my own dreams. I had my fair shares of falls, only a month after my break up, my best friend was murdered. She died in my arms. And that is something I will never heal from, I will only learn to live with the ache of her absence. Her murder, or “accident” as we thought it was at the time, has been a on going thing. But that helped me grow into the person I am now. And then my parents announced their divorce. Which coming from a Christian household was like having the ground open up and threaten to eat you. That taught me, is continuing to teach me, one hundred and one things. And then I had something truly awful happen to me in October, it has taken a toll on both Him and me. That situation taught me to be careful who I trust, who I drink around and to always be on guard, even if you’re with your closest friends.
Everything that has happened this year has shown me the power of being and adult, the harshness of consequences, and the strength of the human heart and soul.
Last year I was barely getting through New Years. I was on a little boat, watching fireworks with my family. Forcing laughter and faking smiles. I kept checking facebook and hovering my finger over the “friends” button next to His name. It was the only form of contact I could of had, I’d deleted everything else and anyone else associated with him. On that boat, pretending that I was happy, I tried hard not to remember the previous New Years. We’d been on a beach, he spent hours upon hours telling me what he had planned for us. Our little day dream. To have that crash down, is something I could never explain.
This New Years has done a total 360. My ex and I (Him) have overcome so much, we have both healed and grown. We have supported, encouraged and carried each other through our darkest moments, and now it’s time to just relax and let go. Having him here for New Years is one amazing thing in itself but going out, spending this time together, exploring our city’s nightlife together …. These are the memories that we will take with us when we’re apart.
As fast as 2013 has gone, I am not sad to see it go. I have big expectations for 2014 and I pray, I hope, that 2014 is miles better than the year I’ve just had. It is starting well though.
I have my Airman, the man of my dreams, holding me, surrounded by our closest friends. I have an amazing dress that I’m completely in love with and for once this year I am happy. Nothing fake about it. Nothing forced. I am happy, excited, thrilled …. For the first time in a while I feel free and comfortable.
That’ something, isn’t it?