I can feel it. I can slowly feel the year coming to an end. Christmas season is in full swing, is boiling hot with clear morning skies and summer night time storms. Decorations are up everywhere and the crazy Christmas rush will soon appear. The shops will be packed in the next few days, making the simple task of getting milk and bread a two hour mission. It all comes with the season I guess, it doesn’t bother me.
But this Christmas feels broken.
My parents, who brought me up to believe that love is everlasting and marriage is forever, told my sister and I about their separation a few months back. This will be the last Christmas as a “family”.
This will be my first Christmas without my best friend Lissa. And that hurts more than I could ever express. It hurts so much that at night I don’t sleep, I don’t even cry. I just stare at the ceiling until my mind gives up and sleep pulls me away.
Lissa and I had so many plans. We were meant to go to Italy, Paris, Germany, Greece …. Europe these holidays starting the day after Christmas. It was going to be a three month holiday, just us. We had been organizing it for the whole year, and having our boyfriends meet us at our last destination Greece (if it was possible). She was my rock. She understood the Military life. Her long term boyfriend was an Airman, just as mine was. I miss her everyday. Its is just a month and half off a full year of her murder. And the day that I saw my world crumble. I would give anything to have her back.
To add to my stress … Is Him. He alone hasn’t done anything. That I know of. Apart from being radio silent today. Yesterday we had a talk about his mother. He wants to have another talk to her, as she disapproves of “us”. And for “us” to actually have a future he needs her to be happy about it. And I get that, man, I do. But he also doesn’t know the full story. He doesn’t know the history between her and me and how she absolutely terrifies me. She has so much power, and she has hurt me so much in the past. When he gets back home he wants to get everything out in the open. Which means that I have to talk to him about what she’s done and said to me. Just writing it down is making me shake.
Telling him can go two ways. He can run or he can work through this with me … Just like he said. I just want him home.
On a happier note though, he comes home this weekend for a month. Which is simply amazing. Right after he leaves I’ll be moving out.
Yes! Leaving home … Packing up and making the next step to adulthood. We haven’t got a place yet, but we do have a place to go to if we don’t find a house soon. It will be a good start to 2014. I am very excited to start this new chapter! And really its the only thing thats keeping me afloat right now. I have so many things going on in my life, a lot of things ending while others just beginning. It feels like my head is going to explode!
But … I am looking forward to the end of 2013. This year was an absolute nightmare and I will be glad when it is behind me.
Its the Beginning of the End. 2014 WILL be my year!