I can’t wait for you to come home. Its been too long since I heard your voice, felt your warmth, spent quality time with you.
But you coming home also means that you see Her. The girl you never had. She was out of your life for good, until about a month ago. You have PROMISED me that nothing is going to change, none of your feelings are going to change. But theres a part of me that feels that it already has.
I know that we aren’t officially together, and thats why I feel like this. You must understand that. We have history, bad history that may never allow us to be together in the way we want, but with her you have a fresh start. She might be the girl you love for the rest of your life, and the thought of that kills me.
I guess I have to be the bigger person. I have to let you go and do what you want. And I? I have to take a well needed step back. I am too tied up in you and thats dangerous. That’s how I’ll end up hurt again.
You haven’t changed in how you speak or treat me. And I just have to trust you.
For now I have you and all I need you to do is be honest with me about “us”.
What brought me to this heart melting moment was the “Airport Dilemma”. This is something that has been going on since he enlisted in 2012. Every time he came home on leave his mother would pick him and drop him off. No questions asked. I wasn’t asked how I felt about it or asked if I wanted to come. I just had to accept that his mother and sister would be the first one to see him and I would have to wait a day or two before I saw him. I understand that you need family time and family is important, but there are things that are unacceptable and waiting two days to see someone that supposedly “means the world” to you and who you “miss more than anything”, is something that’s not on in my books.
But at the end of the day, his mother was the one that picked him up, dropped him off and did eveything in between. That was just a fact and even though it hurt and it bugged me to the extreme I just let it slid.
Actually I let a lot of things slide, until last time he was home.
Christmas/New Years break. I could, maybe, count how many times I saw him on one hand in the five/six weeks he had home. That was the final straw for me and I had this big talk with him. I laid out how I wanted to be treated and if he wasn’t willing to treat me like that, then I needed him to walk away and this time not to come back. Ever.
It took us about a month and a bit to recover from our fights over Christmas break (due to the fact that I was getting more and more upset and frustrated that his words and actions were not matching up in the slightest. I was feeling incredibly used. And it almost felt like he didn’t care.) and the big message I sent him and the conversation that followed.
Because we are at long distance I didn’t know how he was going to prove how his actions and words were going to match up this time. There wasn’t anything we or I could do apart from moving on and to wait until he came home in April.
That was until tonight. Tonight was a turning point for us. For him at least. It showed me that he had taken what I’d said on board. It proved to me that he was willing to treat me the way I wanted and deserved to be treated.
Tonight he asked me to pick him up at the Airport. Just me. Only me. I will be the first one to see him. To a lot of you, you’re probably going to think I’m crazy. You get to pick up your loved one with his family or yours or just by yourself every time. Don’t take it for granted. For some of us it’s a rare luxury.
When he asked I squealed and then quickly bit into my pillow. I have roommates who are probably fast asleep and hearing me scream at 1 o’clock in the morning is probably a little strange. So I had to settle for, biting my pillow and rolling around in my sheets. Butterflies were exploding from my heart. They still are … Even though we said good night about 20 minutes ago.
He told me that his mum would have happily picked him up but he wanted me to be there. Jaw-dropping moment.
That. Right there. Was the turning point. The point were he proved to me that he meant what he was saying.