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All posts for the month May, 2014

47 days & a Horse

Published May 29, 2014 by Tasha

My heart is beating in my chest as I write this, or maybe its just stopped … I don’t know.
But the flood of emotions I feel is almost overwhelming.
Scared, anxious, excited, nervous, extremely happy, over-the-mood, butterflies …. I can hardly keep them contained.

There are only 47 days until I move to Darwin. 47. 
I have three pages, back and front, of things I need to do and organise before I leave. Landlords, car services, food, jobs, money, packing, planning, bills, saying my “see you laters”. I could go on and on, but what has really got me nervous/excited is my horse, something that has just happened only yesterday.

The original plan was to sell him. I didn’t want to but it was what is best for both of us. I need some time to grow up, explore the world, save, and while that can be done with a horse … Its just a lot less stressful for me if I don’t have him. It has been an agonising 3 months knowing that I’m moving and I can’t take him with me. Fielding phone calls and watching other people ride him. But there has always been something wrong, he’s too expensive, that want him but can’t afford a horse right now, they’ll buy him but want to leave him at my Coach’s place until the end of the year, things like that. Nothing has been right. So he is still in my hands.

With only 47 days left (roughly 4/5 weeks), it’s coming down to crunch time. The market for selling horses is nil here in Brisbane and I’m at loss at what to do.
So the only thing to do is to keep him, unless he sells in the next few weeks, and bring him to Darwin with me.
So not only do I have to budget and worry about myself, I also need to worry and budget for my horse. Who I love dearly and who has been my partner  and best friend for 7 years.

I am happy and excited to bring him with me, it will make me more at home, more at ease to have him there. But at the same time petrol, food, rent … LIVING in the Northern Territory  is way more expensive than Queensland. And I don’t know how I am going to afford it.

To say I am stressed is an understatement …. But it will be an adventure. One that I’ll never forget.

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#13 – Letters to Him

Published May 12, 2014 by Tasha

I don’t understand you anymore.
I don’t understand our relationship anymore.

Ever since you left to go back to base you’ve shut me out. You won’t talk to me, and on the rare occasion that we do talk you will take hours to reply to my texts. Or you will just stop replying altogether.
You haven’t said “goodnight” to me for weeks, always ignoring me when its late at night.
Even the way you talk to me is different.

And when I asked you about this you said you were going through a “phase”.
I understand that. I understand rough patches and I understand that all relationships go through things. But this … This has been going on for weeks. This isn’t a mood or a phase anymore, this is something else and you refuse to talk about it.

I don’t know what else to do.

I’m so confused baby. Please help me understand what’s happening.

You say that nothing’s changed, that no one else, no other girl is in the picture, that you still want me … But then you still ignore me.
How am i meant to feel about that?

You can’t just choose when you want me and when you don’t. Thats not fair.
We have 47 days until I fly out to see you.
And as always you will expect me to be all cute and happy about seeing you. But unless you get your shit together, I will be anything but that.

I can’t kiss you and sleep with you  and pretend that you aren’t hurting me. I’m not that type of girl and I refuse to be that type of girl.
This hurts.
You have gone from calling me, telling me I am all you want, texting me all the time, saying and doing all these things that show just how much you love me and want me in your life and then in a matter of days turning on me.

Going on just your actions, you are blatantly saying “I do not want you. Go away.”

And the only thing thats keeping me here? The only thing that is keeping me holding on, is that I will see you soon and that will be my deciding moment. If in that moment you cannot come up with a suitable answer as to why you’re doing this … I’m done. And you wont even know whats happening. I will just get up and walk through that door and you will never see me again.

Stop this before it’s really too late baby.

2 Years Today

Published May 9, 2014 by Tasha

2 years ago I cried.
2 years ago he got sworn in.
2 years ago he left.
2 years ago the Air Force became his new home.

I still remember that day as if it were yesterday.
08.05.2012. 

Ancient History class.
I watched the clock drag its hands towards the 12. I didn’t know when you were to leave, but I knew it was the day. D-day. I clutched my phone, waiting for your call or your text. It never came. But at 12.48 midday, your sister informed facebook that  you had boarded your plane with 20 other recruits. You were officially off to Basic Training, Bootcamp. That day was a haze.
I cried that night. I cried for us, for you, for me, for our future. But most of all I cried because I knew this was the first of many many many separations. The first of airport kisses, “see you later”s, hugs, late night phone calls, weeks without contact, fights, arguments, distance. The first for distance.
And I didn’t know if we were ever going to be okay again. 

Looking back, those 2 years have gone faster than I thought it would. He tells me it’s gone slow, but to me, someone looking in … Its gone pretty fast. Of course during Bootcamp, it dragged on. Those three months were the longest I have ever experienced. And of course planning visits down to Wagga months in advanced, took ages to come around. But looking back over the 2 years as a whole, where did the time go?
Where did the last two years of my life go? Of his? Of our journey?

I have watched my handsome man go from strength to strength. I have witnessed him smile, laugh, cry, struggle and succeed in parts of his life he thought he would fail. I have been there to encourage, help, sometimes scold and most importantly, love him.  Everytime he has done me proud.

The last 2 years haven’t been a fairytale, far, far from it. We have argued, fought, cried and cursed each other.  We have hated and than loved each other over and over again. We have hurt and broken each other, just to save each other at the last moment. But we have struggled together. Supported each other. Laughed and laughed some more. We have shared some of the best, and worse, moments of our lives. We have hoped and believed together … And we have built something beautiful.

If you ever read this baby boy, know that I am so proud of you. I have and always will be.
Congratulations handsome. It has been an interesting two years.
Here’s to many more. I will always be right beside you, where ever the Air Force takes us.

Learning – He will Always Come Back.

Published May 7, 2014 by Tasha

Its amazing, and a little terrifying, that you still learn things about your partner even after being with them for years.

I have known my guy for 19 years and have dated him for almost 3 of them. And I am still discovering major things about him. One I learnt tonight. It’s something that has been a massive issue in our relationship and has created a lot of hurt in the past.

He goes through these “phases” (as he like to put it) where he will push me away and act incredibly distant. And when he acts like this I worry about his affections for me. I automatically think he doesn’t want me anymore, that he doesn’t love me and he wants to end “us”.
Because there is a big part of me that worries too much. Over thinks and over analyse things. I take things too personally and take on other people’s dramas when I have more than enough to worry about.

And, as far as he’s concerned, that isn’t the case at all. Just because he’s distant, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me. It means that somethings going on and I just need to wait for him to come back to me.

This week is a good example.
For exactly a week he’s been distant. He’s pushed me away. And when he pushes me away, even I find it hard to recognise it. He does it in such a way, my emotions get caught up in themselves and I over think every little thing. This whole week has been one big rough patch, I have felt awful … Three times this week I have cried myself to sleep, convinced I was losing him. After all he was showing all the signs; taking hours to reply to my text messages, or not replying at all. Not holding a conversation, when usually he’s the one to contact me first and keep a healthy, hilarious (or serious) conversation alive. Usually we’re talking every day for hours, or he’ll call me. Even the way he talked to me changed from “boyfriend” to “I can’t be bothered with you”.

And then tonight happened.
My mind had set its self on the idea that either he did not want me anymore or another girl was involved. I laid it all out on the table, waiting for him to confirm my fears.
Of course he didn’t. Because he’s not the type of guy.
Of course there wasn’t another girl.
And of course he didn’t want to end things.
He still didn’t tell me what was wrong until I dug just a little bit deeper.

“I always fail”
Me: What do u mean you always fail?!
“I always seem to let you down in the end.” 

That text and the few that followed from him almost broke my heart. I’m pretty sure a bit of it fell off.
He has always struggled with that and it’s been my job to reassure him that he’s wrong. And it hurt to see him wrestle with these thought tonight. But at the same time I learnt something new about him, about us.

He might go through these phases but it doesn’t mean anything. Its not personal. It doesn’t mean he hates me, or doesn’t want me anymore. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me or wants to end things. It simply means he’s working through something and I just need to have patience. Worrying isn’t going to help. Freaking out and demanding answers wont help either. Being there when he needs me, at the exact moment he needs me, will help, whether he wants it or not.

And most importantly, believing and knowing that he will come back to me. Because why not?
He has always come back to me, he has never left me … Not entirely.
The friendship, trust and the bond that has been built over the years has always carried us through.
Tonight I learnt that it’s stronger than what I give it credit for.

73 days and counting!

Published May 3, 2014 by Tasha

I had just come back from shopping with V (one of my best friends who’s an army wife). And i had 10 minutes to submit my assignment. 
Flinging my shopping on the kitchen counter, I raced over to my computer. I had my emails open and one caught my eye. 
The acceptance or rejection letter sent from the Darwin University. My hands were shaking and I opened it, my mind was tossing around a thousand things.  
I had to read the letter twice, before it sunk in.

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I am pleased to inform you that you have been offered a place in the Bachelor of Psychological Science at Charles Darwin University…”

Seeing the time, I quickly uploaded my assigment and sent it off. Sighed heavily and then closed the screen. The acceptance letter was still sitting there.
“Oh my god. Oh my god” I breathed over and over again. My hands were shaking, my voice was shaking, I was shaking. V, who was making lunch, looked up,
What? What’s going on?”
“I got in.” It took a little bit for it to sink in. I took another big breath, “I. Got. In!!!”

I still can’t believe it. Even a few weeks later. I can’t believe that this idea V helped me with, is reality.
In 73 short days, the car will be packed, my “see you laters” told and the music will be playing as the Boy and I make our way across the country. 4 days on the road together. And the distance finally closed.
We will still have a 3 hour drive between us, but we will be in the same state again. We will see each other every 2/3 weeks instead of every 4/5 months.

My next little adventure.
I never thought it would be my turn when I could say, “After 2 and a bit years, we will be closing the distance. Finally.”
This is what we have fought, struggled, hoped and loved towards.