Its amazing, and a little terrifying, that you still learn things about your partner even after being with them for years.
I have known my guy for 19 years and have dated him for almost 3 of them. And I am still discovering major things about him. One I learnt tonight. It’s something that has been a massive issue in our relationship and has created a lot of hurt in the past.
He goes through these “phases” (as he like to put it) where he will push me away and act incredibly distant. And when he acts like this I worry about his affections for me. I automatically think he doesn’t want me anymore, that he doesn’t love me and he wants to end “us”.
Because there is a big part of me that worries too much. Over thinks and over analyse things. I take things too personally and take on other people’s dramas when I have more than enough to worry about.
And, as far as he’s concerned, that isn’t the case at all. Just because he’s distant, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me. It means that somethings going on and I just need to wait for him to come back to me.
This week is a good example.
For exactly a week he’s been distant. He’s pushed me away. And when he pushes me away, even I find it hard to recognise it. He does it in such a way, my emotions get caught up in themselves and I over think every little thing. This whole week has been one big rough patch, I have felt awful … Three times this week I have cried myself to sleep, convinced I was losing him. After all he was showing all the signs; taking hours to reply to my text messages, or not replying at all. Not holding a conversation, when usually he’s the one to contact me first and keep a healthy, hilarious (or serious) conversation alive. Usually we’re talking every day for hours, or he’ll call me. Even the way he talked to me changed from “boyfriend” to “I can’t be bothered with you”.
And then tonight happened.
My mind had set its self on the idea that either he did not want me anymore or another girl was involved. I laid it all out on the table, waiting for him to confirm my fears.
Of course he didn’t. Because he’s not the type of guy.
Of course there wasn’t another girl.
And of course he didn’t want to end things.
He still didn’t tell me what was wrong until I dug just a little bit deeper.
“I always fail”
Me: What do u mean you always fail?!
“I always seem to let you down in the end.”
That text and the few that followed from him almost broke my heart. I’m pretty sure a bit of it fell off.
He has always struggled with that and it’s been my job to reassure him that he’s wrong. And it hurt to see him wrestle with these thought tonight. But at the same time I learnt something new about him, about us.
He might go through these phases but it doesn’t mean anything. Its not personal. It doesn’t mean he hates me, or doesn’t want me anymore. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me or wants to end things. It simply means he’s working through something and I just need to have patience. Worrying isn’t going to help. Freaking out and demanding answers wont help either. Being there when he needs me, at the exact moment he needs me, will help, whether he wants it or not.
And most importantly, believing and knowing that he will come back to me. Because why not?
He has always come back to me, he has never left me … Not entirely.
The friendship, trust and the bond that has been built over the years has always carried us through.
Tonight I learnt that it’s stronger than what I give it credit for.