Heartbreak. Healing. Love = My Life

All posts in the Heartbreak. Healing. Love = My Life category

Drum Roll Please …. “Defacto”

Published July 5, 2015 by Tasha

We were driving in his car, on the way to drop me back off at my dorm. Our bellies were full from lunch and we were quiet because it was our last day together for a few weeks. 
It was in that moment, as we stopped at a red light, that I asked him where he thought we were going. You see, throughout the last few years he had always squirmed at the idea of “marriage” or “living together”. It wasn’t so much a commitment thing, more a personal thing. I knew this when I moved to be closer to him, and I made sure that I wasn’t moving JUST for him. I knew full well that after he posted out of the NT, we could very much go our separate ways. He gets posted away and I graduate University and go my own way in life. No matter how much history we had, or the crazy chemistry that had kept us alive over miles and miles and miles throughout the years, I knew that maybe we just weren’t meant to be together in the “grown up” world. Maybe we were highschool sweethearts that weren’t able to be anything else then that first big love of your life.

So when he looked at me with those breath taking blue eyes, smiled his charming smile and said “I’ve been thinking about us becoming defacto”, I knew something had shifted. 
Yes, I almost choked and it took me a full couple of minutes to recover from the shock. He relished the idea that he had rendered me speechless and took the moment to expand on what he had just said. 
We were on the main road back to campus at this point. My mind was buzzing, I had so many questions but I was unable to say anything apart from stare at him or out the window as he quickly explained where he was coming from. 

As he spoke about defacto and how he had been thinking about it for a few months (way before I even thought it was a possibility) I couldn’t stop thinking about how far he had come. FINALLY. After all these years, after all this time, it was coming together. FINALLY. Finally this day had come. 

That was a few months ago now. Since then the “idea” of becoming defacto is now a very real possibility. There are still a few hurdles to jump through, like money, we have to overcome first. But the very notion of this means the world to me. We are aiming to get a house to start (and complete) the defacto process at the end of this year. As we are going away on a holiday near the end of this year, getting a place will be tricky. But at the end of this year, beginning of next, is the only time we have to do it before I have to sign a year long contract at the Uni campus or become homeless.

I can’t believe how far we have come, just this year alone! And my love for him just keeps growing … Maybe we were meant to last in this crazy ride we call the “adult world”.
Maybe, just maybe, if you’re really lucky, you get to keep the first big love of your life.


Saying Goodbye

Published February 15, 2015 by Tasha

You know its coming and even though you’ve gone it a million times before, it still leaves you feeling empty. It leaves you feeling hollow and alone, even if you’d just had the most amazing time with him. And every time they leave you have that moment, that second, where you really consider what it’s doing to you. To them. To the relationship. Instead of seeing a light at the end of this dark, tiring tunnel, you see a small flicker and sometimes, in these moments, it almost goes out completely. Almost.

By now, coming into our third year of distance, this May, I have a routine down pat. Once he leaves, I walk back into my room with my heart still beating fast from that last kiss, that last hug, those last few touches and I curl up in bed. It still smells like him and I wrap myself in the blankets, with his hoodie on, and I fall asleep for a few hours. He usually gives me a text when he’s arrived home, just so I know he’s okay. We’ll talk for a little bit before one of us falls asleep. And then I get up the next day and go about my business, wishing I could come home to him.

Saying goodbye is never easy. And there have been, there are times, that we have both really thought about what we are doing. Moving to Darwin was a decision I made to close the distance, but even then, we still have a car ride and fuel prices to pay before we can make the trip to see each other.

One day it will be over. One day he will come home to me, every single night. One day I will be able to wake up to him every single morning and not have to worry about when he is leaving again. One day we will have a place of our own.
One day, we will look back and say “we’ve made it.”

Car Club

Published January 18, 2015 by Tasha

I shift my weight trying to get comfortable as the wire digs into my back. I’m sitting on the hard, cool concert floor of the base’s car club. The metal, wire fence encloses the four cars that are being worked on. One of them is my boyfriend’s pride and joy.

“Banner” is a dark green and black, dirty, well used and loved Hilux. I would tell you the year, but no matter how many times he tells me, I forget. It has a sturdy silver tray and spotties. The tires are so big they almost come up to my hip. And it currently has no engine in it, or anything under the bonnet anymore. It’s been sitting in the workshop for months now, waiting to be fixed. It’s got that red dusty look, that the Northern Territory is famous for and it looks kind of sad. The Boy has been saving patiently so can fix and build up his ute, making sure it’s perfect for when we can go 4wheel driving and camping again.

I shift my weight again, knowing I’m going to have those diamond shaped wire imprints in my back. The Boy chuckles a little, as he finally frees whatever it is that he was working on. He must of noticed my discomfort because he disappeared around a corner and appeared again with a plastic  looking arm chair.

“Here you go baby,” he puts the chair down and gives me a soft smile, “it’s the comfiest, non-spidery one I could find.”

I give him a peck on the cheek, “cheers babe.”

I settle into the chair and put my feet up on the three tires stacked in front of me. It’s definitely better than the hard floor and the fence I was using as a backrest. It’s strangly comforting here, watching the boys work on their cars, listening to their rap music. Everyone seems peaceful. Occasionally, okay maybe more than occasionally, you hear a long stream of swear words, followed by a guy throwing something or slamming a car door before storming out and cooling down for a few minutes. But they come back to finish what they’ve started, they always come back. I’ve come to learn that fixing cars, or building up your own is quite infuriating. Especially when most of the boys here don’t know exactly what they’re doing. They’re just reading manuals, scribbling things in their note pads and putting the skills they’ve learnt at work into practice on a car.

I’ve been staying at his place since Wednesday afternoon. It was my birthday on Friday and since he couldn’t come to Darwin and I didn’t want to spend my birthday alone in my sad little dorm room, I jumped in my car and made the 3 hour drive down here.  It’s been wonderful so far, he made me feel so special on my birthday. My first  one away from home. He gave me one of my birthday presents but apparently the other one is in Darwin, for my birthday night. He won’t tell me what it is and I’m going to have to wait weeks until  he can get up there.

I’m sweating slightly now, even though I have a big fan blowing straight on me. I want to curl up in the air con, preferably with him. But I know I won’t be able to drag him away from his car. Not for awhile yet.

Maybe, just maybe, I might be able to entice him with lunch. Apart from his car, I know how he loves his food.

Date Night

Published December 24, 2014 by Tasha

I was 20 minutes late. As I flew up the stairs that led into the house, I slammed into my mum.
“Someone’s in a hurry”
“I’m late!” I hollered as I hurried down the hallway, “I’m 20 minutes late!”
I don’t think I’ve ever got dressed, put my make up on and got my hair done that quick. Ever. The things he makes me do.

It was a beautiful night. We haven’t had a dinner date, or any date really, for so long. It was all smiles and laughter. Lots of cuddles and kisses. Dinner was amazing and we ate so much food I almost had to roll out of the restaurant.  He took me to Mt Cootha, which is a hill that overlooks the city. And on a clear night, you can see all the city lights. You can see all the planes flying into the airport and all the cars speeding along the road. From that mountain top, everything looks tiny. Everything looks like you could pick it up and play with them. And then it was back to my mums place, where I’m staying, for a few movies.

I wish we could do things like that more often.

Just Another Update

Published December 19, 2014 by Tasha

I’m sitting here, right next to the air con, trying to get cool. Queensland is horrible. Its dry, windy heat that we don’t have in the Northern Territory.
Beside me are my mum’s flatmate’s three poodles. They too are stretched out on the bed trying to find away to cool down. It’s too hot.

For the past 4 months I’ve gone to sit down and write, but instead I’ve stared at the blank screen trying to figure out what to write. How do I make my ordinary life interesting? How do I reach out to my followers like all those good blogs do? How do I touch your lives with my seemingly boring one?
I don’t have an answer, so instead I’ll give you just another update.

Since my last entry, nothing much has changed. Same things, just a different day. Uni, Work, Training,  Boyfriend. Everything is going smoothly.
Although I didn’t do as well as I wanted to in Uni this year, I accomplished other things. My horse is really coming along. He’s fat and happy, not getting the exercise he deserves right now but that will soon change when I get back from my holiday in Queensland.

My relationship is better than ever. Sometimes I wait for the other shoe to drop, I wait for a problem to crop up and shatter this blissful feeling, but no. Every hurdle that comes out way we seem to just step over effortlessly. Together. We travel back and forth to each other, mostly taking it in turns. I’m absolutely in love with him. I hope it’s only upwards from here.

Nothing much has changed in the last four months. I’m feeling much more settled in Darwin. I still struggle to call in home, but I feel content and happy there. Poor for the majority of the time, but just rich enough to put a little petrol in the ute and just a little food in me. The life of a Uni student I suppose.

I wont promise you I’ll start writing more, but I’d like to try. Its good and healthy and it keeps me busy in the heat of the day.
So, I’ll see you soon lovelies.

Bored. Tired. And missing my “normal” Boyfriend

Published August 7, 2014 by Tasha

I’m sitting in my Cognitive and Language class, bored out of my brain. 
I can’t understand the lecturer, she’s soft spoken with a very thick accent. As I look around at my classmates, I realise their attention is else where. Anywhere but with the teacher. Which is ironic, since the lecture is about “Attention”. 

I just want to walk out, but my tiny bit of discipline is holding me here. I know I need to learn this and I need to know it for the mid-sem exam coming up, but when your class seems dead and your brain likes to wander to anywhere but where it should be … Discipline almost goes out the window. 

The Boy is getting there. He is still (what I like to call it) PMSing. He still takes his time replying and there is a day here and there that we don’t talk. 
I know he’s tired and emotionally drained from this training operation, so I’m not going to cause a silly argument. When the time is right, when his work settles down and we see each other again, I’ll ask him what’s going on. But until then, I just need to focus on my own life. 

Talking about seeing him, he did come to Darwin last weekend. And we spent majority of the weekend together. 
Typically, he wasn’t coming just to see me, he was there to help fix his mates car. But we went to dinner together with his mates and one of them brought their girlfriend. Movies and then back to mine. 
Saturday, the next day, was just me and the other girlfriend hanging out while they all crowded around this little yellow sports car, and pulled it apart. 
By the end of it, at midnight, they were tired, hungry and covered in black, sticky oil. Two of the six that were helping, where drunk, the others just wanting to sleep. So I took him home again. 
Sunday, was breakfast and then meeting up with the rest of the group and walking around the shops. Everyone had things to do. But eventually it was time for them to make the 3 hour journey back to base. He dropped me off at the dorms, said goodbye and we parted ways. 
There were whispers about them coming up next weekend (this one coming) but nothing (as per usual) has been confirmed. Knowing how crazy their work is right now and how tired they all must be, I highly doubt we’ll be seeing each other. The training OP will eventually pass (but who knows when) and then we might be able to get back into some sort of routine. 

I hope. 

Sometimes being a Air Force Girlfriend sucks. 

Half – way There

Published July 28, 2014 by Tasha

I know, I know. Its been a while.
I haven’t forgotten you guys, I’m just incredibly busy.

We arrived at Tindal Saturday afternoon, the 19th. We were tired, annoyed, and over driving, over each other. We were totally and utterly sick of each other, or maybe that was just the exhaustion setting in.

My Ute decided to crap itself half- way there. In the middle of no where. With no phone reception.

The new shoxs that were put in after the car was serviced, completely exploded. As in the car was no drivable at all, and red stuff and bits of the shoxs flew everywhere. That lost us a day.
The Boy and I were frantically driving back and forth trying to get new shoxs. NO ONE had any in store and we would have to wait a day (at the least) to wait for them. This is after we (or should I saw he) drove the 4 hours to the nearest town, Mt Isa.

Neither of us had a good nights sleep, so we both woke up grumpy and tired. The next day wasn’t much better.
I had to make the 4 hour trip to the Ute in a car with a mechanic and then back again, by myself. I do not recommend it.

But. I am here now. Northern Territory. Darwin. My new “home”.
My dorm is finally all unpacked and everything is where it should be.
My beautiful horse is happy in his (extremely bare) paddock, and has enjoyed no week of exercise.
I am trying, and succeeding, to fit into Uni life and living on Campus. Its only my second week at this Uni, but I’m finding it really good.

The only thing that isn’t going well, is the Boy. I don’t know what’s  going on there, God knows I’ve tried to ask. He’s moody, touchy and just not his usual affectionate self.  After a few days of crying and trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong, convinced that he’s going to break up with me … I’ve now just settled into a calm space.
He’s having his moment and I just have to give him his space.

As my best friend said, this is a big change. Not only for me but for him. Having me a hell of a lot closer (only 3 hours car drive away) then a $800/$1000 4 hour plane trip away. So I’m letting him chill.
I am too busy for his shit right now. And until he wants to talk or tells me it’s over, everything is okay.

He will come around. He always does.

And you know what’s “funny”? I thought being closer to him would almost guarantee that i get to spend more time with him. Nope. Now I won’t be able to see him for a month + because of some sort of military exercise. Fuck.

As for me. I’m trying to fit in riding, Uni (study!!!), work (when i get it), gym, and soccer (just need to find a team). I’m not sure about the soccer, I’m not sure how much comittment it’s going to require. I know that I will have shows some weekends (next season) and other weekends I’ll be with the Boy.
Will i have time to attend their games as well?
But in saying that I really want to try.

Sorry this is such a mismatch post. I’m so tired.
It’s 10 to 11pm here and I’m yet to have a shower.