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Drum Roll Please …. “Defacto”

Published July 5, 2015 by Tasha

We were driving in his car, on the way to drop me back off at my dorm. Our bellies were full from lunch and we were quiet because it was our last day together for a few weeks. 
It was in that moment, as we stopped at a red light, that I asked him where he thought we were going. You see, throughout the last few years he had always squirmed at the idea of “marriage” or “living together”. It wasn’t so much a commitment thing, more a personal thing. I knew this when I moved to be closer to him, and I made sure that I wasn’t moving JUST for him. I knew full well that after he posted out of the NT, we could very much go our separate ways. He gets posted away and I graduate University and go my own way in life. No matter how much history we had, or the crazy chemistry that had kept us alive over miles and miles and miles throughout the years, I knew that maybe we just weren’t meant to be together in the “grown up” world. Maybe we were highschool sweethearts that weren’t able to be anything else then that first big love of your life.

So when he looked at me with those breath taking blue eyes, smiled his charming smile and said “I’ve been thinking about us becoming defacto”, I knew something had shifted. 
Yes, I almost choked and it took me a full couple of minutes to recover from the shock. He relished the idea that he had rendered me speechless and took the moment to expand on what he had just said. 
We were on the main road back to campus at this point. My mind was buzzing, I had so many questions but I was unable to say anything apart from stare at him or out the window as he quickly explained where he was coming from. 

As he spoke about defacto and how he had been thinking about it for a few months (way before I even thought it was a possibility) I couldn’t stop thinking about how far he had come. FINALLY. After all these years, after all this time, it was coming together. FINALLY. Finally this day had come. 

That was a few months ago now. Since then the “idea” of becoming defacto is now a very real possibility. There are still a few hurdles to jump through, like money, we have to overcome first. But the very notion of this means the world to me. We are aiming to get a house to start (and complete) the defacto process at the end of this year. As we are going away on a holiday near the end of this year, getting a place will be tricky. But at the end of this year, beginning of next, is the only time we have to do it before I have to sign a year long contract at the Uni campus or become homeless.

I can’t believe how far we have come, just this year alone! And my love for him just keeps growing … Maybe we were meant to last in this crazy ride we call the “adult world”.
Maybe, just maybe, if you’re really lucky, you get to keep the first big love of your life.

Saying Goodbye

Published February 15, 2015 by Tasha

You know its coming and even though you’ve gone it a million times before, it still leaves you feeling empty. It leaves you feeling hollow and alone, even if you’d just had the most amazing time with him. And every time they leave you have that moment, that second, where you really consider what it’s doing to you. To them. To the relationship. Instead of seeing a light at the end of this dark, tiring tunnel, you see a small flicker and sometimes, in these moments, it almost goes out completely. Almost.

By now, coming into our third year of distance, this May, I have a routine down pat. Once he leaves, I walk back into my room with my heart still beating fast from that last kiss, that last hug, those last few touches and I curl up in bed. It still smells like him and I wrap myself in the blankets, with his hoodie on, and I fall asleep for a few hours. He usually gives me a text when he’s arrived home, just so I know he’s okay. We’ll talk for a little bit before one of us falls asleep. And then I get up the next day and go about my business, wishing I could come home to him.

Saying goodbye is never easy. And there have been, there are times, that we have both really thought about what we are doing. Moving to Darwin was a decision I made to close the distance, but even then, we still have a car ride and fuel prices to pay before we can make the trip to see each other.

One day it will be over. One day he will come home to me, every single night. One day I will be able to wake up to him every single morning and not have to worry about when he is leaving again. One day we will have a place of our own.
One day, we will look back and say “we’ve made it.”

Half – way There

Published July 28, 2014 by Tasha

I know, I know. Its been a while.
I haven’t forgotten you guys, I’m just incredibly busy.

We arrived at Tindal Saturday afternoon, the 19th. We were tired, annoyed, and over driving, over each other. We were totally and utterly sick of each other, or maybe that was just the exhaustion setting in.

My Ute decided to crap itself half- way there. In the middle of no where. With no phone reception.

The new shoxs that were put in after the car was serviced, completely exploded. As in the car was no drivable at all, and red stuff and bits of the shoxs flew everywhere. That lost us a day.
The Boy and I were frantically driving back and forth trying to get new shoxs. NO ONE had any in store and we would have to wait a day (at the least) to wait for them. This is after we (or should I saw he) drove the 4 hours to the nearest town, Mt Isa.

Neither of us had a good nights sleep, so we both woke up grumpy and tired. The next day wasn’t much better.
I had to make the 4 hour trip to the Ute in a car with a mechanic and then back again, by myself. I do not recommend it.

But. I am here now. Northern Territory. Darwin. My new “home”.
My dorm is finally all unpacked and everything is where it should be.
My beautiful horse is happy in his (extremely bare) paddock, and has enjoyed no week of exercise.
I am trying, and succeeding, to fit into Uni life and living on Campus. Its only my second week at this Uni, but I’m finding it really good.

The only thing that isn’t going well, is the Boy. I don’t know what’s  going on there, God knows I’ve tried to ask. He’s moody, touchy and just not his usual affectionate self.  After a few days of crying and trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong, convinced that he’s going to break up with me … I’ve now just settled into a calm space.
He’s having his moment and I just have to give him his space.

As my best friend said, this is a big change. Not only for me but for him. Having me a hell of a lot closer (only 3 hours car drive away) then a $800/$1000 4 hour plane trip away. So I’m letting him chill.
I am too busy for his shit right now. And until he wants to talk or tells me it’s over, everything is okay.

He will come around. He always does.

And you know what’s “funny”? I thought being closer to him would almost guarantee that i get to spend more time with him. Nope. Now I won’t be able to see him for a month + because of some sort of military exercise. Fuck.

As for me. I’m trying to fit in riding, Uni (study!!!), work (when i get it), gym, and soccer (just need to find a team). I’m not sure about the soccer, I’m not sure how much comittment it’s going to require. I know that I will have shows some weekends (next season) and other weekends I’ll be with the Boy.
Will i have time to attend their games as well?
But in saying that I really want to try.

Sorry this is such a mismatch post. I’m so tired.
It’s 10 to 11pm here and I’m yet to have a shower.
Ugh.

It’s Coming to an End

Published July 9, 2014 by Tasha

The distance I mean. Soon it will be (mostly) over.
We still have a three (very long) hour drive between us and with his work, 4 wheel driving, motor cross and ruby training as well as my Uni, work, dance, (maybe) cheerleading and horse riding, we will probably only see each other every 3 weeks or so. BUT that is better than what we currently have to deal with.
Seeing your SO every 4-6 months is a pain in the bloody ass. I know a lot of people have it harder, and a lot of people would kill to be able to see their loved one every 4-6 months. But after 2 years, I’m so very done with distance.

I saw The Boy on Sunday when I spent a week at his place. It was wonderful. And I realised a lot about our relationship.

I don’t have much to update you guys on. I’m frantically packing, cleaning, washing and figuring out everything before I leave to make the three day trip, next Wednesday!

2 Years Today

Published May 9, 2014 by Tasha

2 years ago I cried.
2 years ago he got sworn in.
2 years ago he left.
2 years ago the Air Force became his new home.

I still remember that day as if it were yesterday.
08.05.2012. 

Ancient History class.
I watched the clock drag its hands towards the 12. I didn’t know when you were to leave, but I knew it was the day. D-day. I clutched my phone, waiting for your call or your text. It never came. But at 12.48 midday, your sister informed facebook that  you had boarded your plane with 20 other recruits. You were officially off to Basic Training, Bootcamp. That day was a haze.
I cried that night. I cried for us, for you, for me, for our future. But most of all I cried because I knew this was the first of many many many separations. The first of airport kisses, “see you later”s, hugs, late night phone calls, weeks without contact, fights, arguments, distance. The first for distance.
And I didn’t know if we were ever going to be okay again. 

Looking back, those 2 years have gone faster than I thought it would. He tells me it’s gone slow, but to me, someone looking in … Its gone pretty fast. Of course during Bootcamp, it dragged on. Those three months were the longest I have ever experienced. And of course planning visits down to Wagga months in advanced, took ages to come around. But looking back over the 2 years as a whole, where did the time go?
Where did the last two years of my life go? Of his? Of our journey?

I have watched my handsome man go from strength to strength. I have witnessed him smile, laugh, cry, struggle and succeed in parts of his life he thought he would fail. I have been there to encourage, help, sometimes scold and most importantly, love him.  Everytime he has done me proud.

The last 2 years haven’t been a fairytale, far, far from it. We have argued, fought, cried and cursed each other.  We have hated and than loved each other over and over again. We have hurt and broken each other, just to save each other at the last moment. But we have struggled together. Supported each other. Laughed and laughed some more. We have shared some of the best, and worse, moments of our lives. We have hoped and believed together … And we have built something beautiful.

If you ever read this baby boy, know that I am so proud of you. I have and always will be.
Congratulations handsome. It has been an interesting two years.
Here’s to many more. I will always be right beside you, where ever the Air Force takes us.

Distance

Published April 28, 2014 by Tasha

I had a girl look at me with sad eyes yesterday and utter those words,
“How do you DO distance?”

She couldn’t ever imagine being separated from her boyfriend for more than a night and she couldn’t ever believe how you survived distance. Those relationships were destined to fail.

I look at her with a small smile and shrugged,
“You don’t just DO distance. You adapt. You learn and you survive. Its what happens when the love of your life is away.” 

No one puts their hand up for distance, no one goes “Oh pick me!”
But when you fall in love with someone and they enlist, or when your heart lives in a different country, you learn to deal with it. Sure, it’s hard, it’s frustrating, annoying and heartbreaking at times. It’s a million things. You just learn to pick yourself up again and keep on going.

I wait. Months and months. It’s been 5 months since I’ve seen my boyfriend. And everytime he comes home on leave, its amazing. I will hold him close and spend every moment I can with him. Cherish the days and nights we’re able to be with each other. And then when it’s time for him to return to base, I let him go.
I give him a hug, a kiss and I whisper, “I’ll see you soon.”
And then I watch him board the plane.

Its not easy. The first lot of times I cried my eyes out as I walked back to the car, or in the shower that night, or later in the shopping center, or just randomly somewhere. But with each separation you get stronger, your partner gets stronger and so does your relationship. Until one day the “goodbyes” don’t take so much out of you, until one day you realise that you’ve adapted. You’ve grown and you’ve learnt.

Then, a month, a year, four years down the track you aren’t saying “goodbyes” anymore, you’re saying, “Goodnight.

That is what keeps you going. Hope. Faith. And love.

Holding Down the Fort

Published February 7, 2014 by Tasha

I think one of the hardest things to do as a military spouse, or even someone whos at distance to their loved one for the duration of their relationship, is keeping everything under control at home.

And when things spiral out of control, keeping it together so you don’t worry and distract them. There have been multiple times that I have replied, “Everything is good here baby. I’m fine.” While sobbing. And it’s not because I haven’t wanted to tell him, or that we don’t have a open relationship. No, it’s because he cannot have distractions at certain times in his job. Its because he cannot be worrying about me just before a major test or before a deployment. It’s because I love him that I do this. And then, when he’s home with me, or when I feel that he can hold everything together while I fall apart, that I tell him. Most of the time I glaze over the gory details, and most of the time it comes up in conversation when I have got myself through it.

It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Its extremely hard to take a deep breath and to steady yourself before taking their call, demanding yourself not to cry when you hear their voice. Its even harder to “lie” and reassure them that everything is perfectly fine and you’re “never better” when really all you want to do is collapse in their arms and sob. There have been so may heart wrenching moments, and he will never know how much it’s hurt to not have him here when I’ve needed him the most.

Right now, as I text him, my best friend (and roommate) has just called me up in hysterics because she almost 100% sure she’s pregnant. Earlier today I had about 6 blood tests and a hour in the hospital to check a few things. And tomorrow I have a training/test day to become a manager at my work. These are things I wont tell him until the times right, until he needs to know.

And it’s not because he doesn’t want to know or because he doesn’t want to be there for me. It’s because I know he’d do anything to make it all better and he can’t, and that hurts him. Its because he would want to be there while I was having those tests done, or while I was getting the results back, but he can’t. And it’s because he’d want to physically hold me and support me while I support my friend but again, he can’t and it tears him apart.
The bond a military spouse has for service member runs deeper than just love or distance. The lengths we all go do to protect them while they’re away, to protect some of their mental and emotional health, is amazing.
I just never thought military life could be so hard … I never imagined how it would feel to feel your heart chip but having to hold it together.

Military life is extremely tiring, heart breaking and frustration but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Call me crazy, but this is the man I love. And for him, I am willing to do almost anything.

Stay Strong!