army

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Half – way There

Published July 28, 2014 by Tasha

I know, I know. Its been a while.
I haven’t forgotten you guys, I’m just incredibly busy.

We arrived at Tindal Saturday afternoon, the 19th. We were tired, annoyed, and over driving, over each other. We were totally and utterly sick of each other, or maybe that was just the exhaustion setting in.

My Ute decided to crap itself half- way there. In the middle of no where. With no phone reception.

The new shoxs that were put in after the car was serviced, completely exploded. As in the car was no drivable at all, and red stuff and bits of the shoxs flew everywhere. That lost us a day.
The Boy and I were frantically driving back and forth trying to get new shoxs. NO ONE had any in store and we would have to wait a day (at the least) to wait for them. This is after we (or should I saw he) drove the 4 hours to the nearest town, Mt Isa.

Neither of us had a good nights sleep, so we both woke up grumpy and tired. The next day wasn’t much better.
I had to make the 4 hour trip to the Ute in a car with a mechanic and then back again, by myself. I do not recommend it.

But. I am here now. Northern Territory. Darwin. My new “home”.
My dorm is finally all unpacked and everything is where it should be.
My beautiful horse is happy in his (extremely bare) paddock, and has enjoyed no week of exercise.
I am trying, and succeeding, to fit into Uni life and living on Campus. Its only my second week at this Uni, but I’m finding it really good.

The only thing that isn’t going well, is the Boy. I don’t know what’s  going on there, God knows I’ve tried to ask. He’s moody, touchy and just not his usual affectionate self.  After a few days of crying and trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong, convinced that he’s going to break up with me … I’ve now just settled into a calm space.
He’s having his moment and I just have to give him his space.

As my best friend said, this is a big change. Not only for me but for him. Having me a hell of a lot closer (only 3 hours car drive away) then a $800/$1000 4 hour plane trip away. So I’m letting him chill.
I am too busy for his shit right now. And until he wants to talk or tells me it’s over, everything is okay.

He will come around. He always does.

And you know what’s “funny”? I thought being closer to him would almost guarantee that i get to spend more time with him. Nope. Now I won’t be able to see him for a month + because of some sort of military exercise. Fuck.

As for me. I’m trying to fit in riding, Uni (study!!!), work (when i get it), gym, and soccer (just need to find a team). I’m not sure about the soccer, I’m not sure how much comittment it’s going to require. I know that I will have shows some weekends (next season) and other weekends I’ll be with the Boy.
Will i have time to attend their games as well?
But in saying that I really want to try.

Sorry this is such a mismatch post. I’m so tired.
It’s 10 to 11pm here and I’m yet to have a shower.
Ugh.

“A lot can change in a year”

Published December 31, 2013 by Tasha

I can hardly believe that a year as nearly been and done. It has gone too fast. And I can hardly believe that this time last year I was curled up in my bed, bawling my eyes out feeling like I’d never be okay again. I can’t believe how my life has changed, how much I’ve grown and just how much I have learnt about myself. About the power of the heart, the meaning of forgiveness and love, knowing that I just have to have faith.

It would of been just a few short days from now that He said those words, “a lot can change in a year”. I didn’t believe him. At that time he was my best friend, my recently ex boyfriend how had ripped my heart out in the cruelest way without much of a reason or warning. I refused to believe him when he said, “I’ll come back to you.” I wanted to desperately to believe that, I wanted to cling onto that. I wanted to be assured that I would be given happiness with him again. But as with all break ups, you aren’t given that reassurance. So I had to go on without him and with that I grew stronger. I became more independent, wanting my own things and forming my own dreams. I had my fair shares of falls, only a month after my break up, my best friend was murdered. She died in my arms. And that is something I will never heal from, I will only learn to live with the ache of her absence. Her murder, or “accident” as we thought it was at the time, has been a on going thing. But that helped me grow into the person I am now. And then my parents announced their divorce.  Which coming from a Christian household was like having the ground open up and threaten to eat you. That taught me, is continuing to teach me, one hundred and one things. And then I had something truly awful happen to me in October, it has taken a toll on both Him and me. That situation taught me to be careful who I trust, who I drink around and to always be on guard, even if you’re with your closest friends.
Everything that has happened this year has shown me the power of being and adult, the harshness of consequences, and the strength of the human heart and soul.

Last year I was barely getting through New Years. I was on a little boat, watching fireworks with my family. Forcing laughter and faking smiles. I kept checking facebook and hovering my finger over the “friends” button next to His name. It was the only form of contact I could of had, I’d deleted everything else and anyone else associated with him. On that boat, pretending that I was happy, I tried hard not to remember the previous New Years. We’d been on a beach, he spent hours upon hours telling me what he had planned for us. Our little day dream. To have that crash down, is something I could never explain.

This New Years has done a total 360. My ex and I (Him) have overcome so much, we have both healed and grown. We have supported, encouraged and carried each other through our darkest moments,  and now it’s time to just relax and let go. Having him here for New Years is one amazing thing in itself but going out, spending this time together, exploring our city’s nightlife together …. These are the memories that we will take with us when we’re apart.

As fast as 2013 has gone, I am not sad to see it go. I have big expectations for 2014 and I pray, I hope, that 2014 is miles better than the year I’ve just had. It is starting well though.
I have my Airman, the man of my dreams, holding me, surrounded by our closest friends. I have an amazing dress that I’m completely in love with and for once this year I am happy. Nothing fake about it. Nothing forced. I am happy, excited, thrilled …. For the first time in a while I feel free and comfortable.
That’ something, isn’t it?

My Promise To You

Published December 17, 2013 by Tasha

Let me just make this clear … I did not write this. But I think it is amazing and so very true. Every military spouse would be able to relate to this.

A lovely lady wrote this during her husdand’s second tour.
beautifully written.
http://toloveasoldier.blogspot.com.au/2011/02/promises.html

I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me. I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week – most likely the week after you deploy. I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me. I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions. I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me. I cannot promise that there won’t be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it. I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it. I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.

But I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door

#11 – Letters To Him

Published November 22, 2013 by Tasha

To the newly Graduate,

I don’t think I will ever get use to seeing you in your Blues.
Yesterday you graduated. 18 months of hell done and dusted.
And even though I was unable to be there, I have never been so proud of you. You have grown so much that I hardly even remember who you were all those months ago. We thought you graduating from Basic was amazing, this … This is a totally different feeling. Knowing that you have finished all your training and off to your new base is beyond words.
You have never looked so grown up, so powerful and together than you did at your graduation. And I wish with all my heart that I could of been there to wrap my arms around you and smother you in kisses. But not this time. And you know what? I’m okay with that. I know you had your loving family there and you had the best time with them. It just goes to show how much I have grown and changed. From the girl who was PISSED OFF when she couldn’t attend your Bootcamp graduation, to the girl who is able to smile along with you, even from a state away.

In four days, you’ll be here. Coming home to me. I’ll be able to run up to you and have you wrap me up in one of your hugs. I’ll be able to hear your voice, without the crackle of a phone line. I’ll be able to touch your face, feel your warmth that I’ve messed oh so much. It may only be for a couple of days, but you’ll be back in a few short weeks for Christmas.

Congratulations baby! You deserved the epic graduation that you received.You have earned it and more. I can’t express how proud I am of you, how excited I am for your future and how privileged I feel that I have been able to share this journey with you. From Basic early 2012 to IET Grad late 2013.

– 4 days baby. Just only 4 more to go –

Military Orders & Maybes

Published May 30, 2013 by Tasha

Well he hands in his papers today to get cleared for leave.

I’m kind of nervous. Even though he has been doing excellent in his training, he hasn’t been getting into trouble and he’d been passing everything, his chain of command can still say no. And then what can you do? Nothing. If they won’t grant him leave, then I don’t see him until he graduates at the end of this year.

He’s talked about me coming to see him, just like I did when we were together. But … Something tells me not to. I don’t know what it is, but I probably should listen to it. I want to. I want to see him as much as possible. I want to be with him all the time. But there’s a huge BUT. That and I don’t have any money whatsoever to spend on plane tickets, food and hotel rooms.

And I don’t want him getting the idea that I’ll just hop to when he says. I didn’t mind when I was his girlfriend, in fact I loved it. I loved everything about traveling to him. I loved spending time with him, even if it was in a small, unknown town. And I miss all of it. I miss the flying, I miss the feeling I use to get, i miss staying up late and getting up at 12, trying to find a place was still serving breakfast. I miss waking up to him right there. I miss meeting his friends and checking out Base. I miss walking around the small town with him talking about everything and nothing. I miss all of it, so much. And I want to do it all again. But not like this. Not in this uncertain, fragile state. I have got to keep my heart locked up for now.

Sometimes, even though I am glad we have be able to make it this far, we had just fought a little harder. Things would be so much different. No buts, no ifs, no maybes, just a simple yes.

Oh well. I’m happy we are able to be in this spot again.
All being well he’s here in  7 days!

Temporary Love Story

Published May 26, 2013 by Tasha

13 days.

13 days until he comes home for the long weekend …. 13. Days!

I don’t even know how to feel about this. I have a million conflicting feelings. But most of all I feel like how I use to feel before I saw him. That sudden rush of butterflies, sweaty palms, that silly little grin, that feeling where you just cannot stand still. I use to be shaky getting off that plane. That stupid little plane that had these tiny, rickidy steps you had to try and navigate with people behind you, pushing to get off and the people in the small terminal watching you, looking for their loved one. I was always so scared I was going to stack it.
And then, with my bag slung over my shoulder and trying to make sure i didn’t get blown away by the wind, I would walk with the others around the glass terminal, feeling as if a million eyes were on me. I would walk through those sliding doors and be met by other people waiting for their person to appear, and I would search for Him. And he would always be there, without fail, with that amazing smile of his. And I would drop my bags and run to him, having him pick me up and swing me around, trying to kiss me at the same time.
Sometimes he’d be in uniform and people would smile and point at our happiness. Sometimes there would be other couples like us, some arriving with me, others saying goodbye. And for those few days I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

Now … I’m feeling like that again. And I’m trying not to. Even though we are fixing things and even though things are going in the right direction, we still aren’t officially together. Which, really, is good for the both of us. But … it makes feeling like this weird and confusing, among exciting and thrilling.

I warned him that I might tackle him when i see him …. We haven’t had time together since January. And then we wont see each other again until he graduates at the end of this year.

I honestly can’t wait to see him … It’s been such a bumpy road for us, it’ll be nice to have a break from it and just enjoy each other’s company.

Flashback – 8 May 2012 –

Published May 8, 2013 by Tasha

Today marks one year since my (ex) boyfriend enlisted for the RAAF. I was stuck at school when he flew out, i didn’t get to see him off. But i did see him the night before.
Feelings were mixed.
I was scared. So was he. And both of us didn’t know if we could make the distance work. But for 7 months we did.

Tonight he posted a status about the enlistment and it took me back. Took me back to all our memories, the good and bad. The reunions and  goodbyes. The late night phone calls and early morning texts. The late nights/early mornings I would talk to him while he was on piquet duty. The plane rides and times running through the airport to catch my flight. The tears and smiles. The heartbreak and love. The dropped skype calls and the rejoicing when it actually worked.
So many things flashed in my mind when i saw his status. So many feelings.

Even though we aren’t together anymore and we never will be again, and even though we are just on a very superficial friendship basis right now, i am so so so proud of him.
I remember what he had to go through. I remember all the personal hurdles he had to jump through. I remember the phone calls where i could hear his heart breaking. And i remember how proud he was when he graduated from basic. I know he will be equally proud when he graduates from this last bit of training.
And only I saw what he had to struggle through, he hid that from everyone else.

And because of all he’s achieved, I will always be proud of the man he has become. There are parts of him that needs work, there are parts of him that have changed for the worst and I hate it. But there are also parts of him that have grown, parts that are so beautiful and gentle and there are parts that have healed.
I know deep down he is going to be an amazing man someday, its just a shame that I’m not the girl who will get to eventually enjoy that.

So … Babe … If you ever read this, let it be known that I will ALWAYS be proud of you and a part of me will always miss and love you. That part is what kept me fighting till the end and it is the part that will always be waiting for you to return. Even though all the other parts of my heart know you wont.
You will be someone so gorgeous and amazing someday, I just wish we could of held on a little longer, fought a little harder than we did.

One year ago you were just a guy who was scared, facing the unknown, today you have grown into someone I admire and are proud of.

To you my love.