I was 20 minutes late. As I flew up the stairs that led into the house, I slammed into my mum.
“Someone’s in a hurry”
“I’m late!” I hollered as I hurried down the hallway, “I’m 20 minutes late!”
I don’t think I’ve ever got dressed, put my make up on and got my hair done that quick. Ever. The things he makes me do.
It was a beautiful night. We haven’t had a dinner date, or any date really, for so long. It was all smiles and laughter. Lots of cuddles and kisses. Dinner was amazing and we ate so much food I almost had to roll out of the restaurant. He took me to Mt Cootha, which is a hill that overlooks the city. And on a clear night, you can see all the city lights. You can see all the planes flying into the airport and all the cars speeding along the road. From that mountain top, everything looks tiny. Everything looks like you could pick it up and play with them. And then it was back to my mums place, where I’m staying, for a few movies.
Tonight I have no inspiration to write. I’ve been staring at this blank, white space for awhile now. The curser blinking, waiting for me to do something. I keep getting lost in my thoughts. I don’t even know where they lead, they just float around about everything and nothing.
My ex and I talked last friday, I contacted him. It was actually a really nice talk. We were bickering like we used to. But we haven’t talked since, and I really think its over for us. I wont know for sure until the years out, but it seems like he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He’s continually ignored me. It’s like I don’t exist to him anymore. And it should hurt. But it doesn’t, not really. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t truly accepted it or if I’m just numb to the pain. I just feel low in general.
I do have a “date” tomorrow though. I meant this guy at Dreamworld, and hes quite nice. 10 years older than me, but nice. And I’m doing this “date” for me, not because I see anything with him. I have made it clear what i want and if it’s not what he wants then he should cut his losses now. I’ve told him a little about how my ex and I ended and I’ve told him that this “date” doesn’t mean anything apart from he’s a nice guy.
I’m excited for this “date” or whatever you want to call it. I guess it goes to show that my ex isn’t going to be the only guy that finds me attractive and nice to be with. Unfortunately for me, he’s still the only guy I really want to be with. I’m guessing, hoping that feeling will eventually fade … Just for now I have to focus on myself. I promised myself that I would get through this year without any relationships. I told myself that I would be by myself and really figure out what I want and who I am. And I have to follow through with that. If i can’t keep the promises I say to myself, how am I meant to keep the promises I say to others?
Another seemingly boring development of my life is that I have decided I don’t want to move to America … Well more like I can’t. Financially. And I think that reality check might have saved me from making a mistake. I don’t know. Maybe it wouldn’t of been a mistake? And I guess I’ll never find out. I know I love it here and this is my home. I have my studies, hobbies, work, friends and family here … When the time came, I think saying goodbye would of been too hard.