All posts tagged hurt

#13 – Letters to Him

Published May 12, 2014 by Tasha

I don’t understand you anymore.
I don’t understand our relationship anymore.

Ever since you left to go back to base you’ve shut me out. You won’t talk to me, and on the rare occasion that we do talk you will take hours to reply to my texts. Or you will just stop replying altogether.
You haven’t said “goodnight” to me for weeks, always ignoring me when its late at night.
Even the way you talk to me is different.

And when I asked you about this you said you were going through a “phase”.
I understand that. I understand rough patches and I understand that all relationships go through things. But this … This has been going on for weeks. This isn’t a mood or a phase anymore, this is something else and you refuse to talk about it.

I don’t know what else to do.

I’m so confused baby. Please help me understand what’s happening.

You say that nothing’s changed, that no one else, no other girl is in the picture, that you still want me … But then you still ignore me.
How am i meant to feel about that?

You can’t just choose when you want me and when you don’t. Thats not fair.
We have 47 days until I fly out to see you.
And as always you will expect me to be all cute and happy about seeing you. But unless you get your shit together, I will be anything but that.

I can’t kiss you and sleep with you  and pretend that you aren’t hurting me. I’m not that type of girl and I refuse to be that type of girl.
This hurts.
You have gone from calling me, telling me I am all you want, texting me all the time, saying and doing all these things that show just how much you love me and want me in your life and then in a matter of days turning on me.

Going on just your actions, you are blatantly saying “I do not want you. Go away.”

And the only thing thats keeping me here? The only thing that is keeping me holding on, is that I will see you soon and that will be my deciding moment. If in that moment you cannot come up with a suitable answer as to why you’re doing this … I’m done. And you wont even know whats happening. I will just get up and walk through that door and you will never see me again.

Stop this before it’s really too late baby.


#12 – Letters To Him

Published March 24, 2014 by Tasha

To you baby,

I can’t wait for you to come home. Its been too long since I heard your voice, felt your warmth, spent quality time with you.
But you coming home also means that you see Her. The girl you never had. She was out of your life for good, until about a month ago. You have PROMISED me that nothing is going to change, none of your feelings are going to change. But theres a part of me that feels that it already has.
I know that we aren’t officially together, and thats why I feel like this. You must understand that. We have history, bad history that may never allow us to be together in the way we want, but with her you have a fresh start. She might be the girl you love for the rest of your life, and the thought of that kills me.

I guess I have to be the bigger person. I have to let you go and do what you want. And I? I have to take a well needed step back. I am too tied up in you and thats dangerous. That’s how I’ll end up hurt again.

You haven’t changed in how you speak or treat me. And I just have to trust you.

For now I have you and all I need you to do is be honest with me about “us”.

Holding Down the Fort

Published February 7, 2014 by Tasha

I think one of the hardest things to do as a military spouse, or even someone whos at distance to their loved one for the duration of their relationship, is keeping everything under control at home.

And when things spiral out of control, keeping it together so you don’t worry and distract them. There have been multiple times that I have replied, “Everything is good here baby. I’m fine.” While sobbing. And it’s not because I haven’t wanted to tell him, or that we don’t have a open relationship. No, it’s because he cannot have distractions at certain times in his job. Its because he cannot be worrying about me just before a major test or before a deployment. It’s because I love him that I do this. And then, when he’s home with me, or when I feel that he can hold everything together while I fall apart, that I tell him. Most of the time I glaze over the gory details, and most of the time it comes up in conversation when I have got myself through it.

It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Its extremely hard to take a deep breath and to steady yourself before taking their call, demanding yourself not to cry when you hear their voice. Its even harder to “lie” and reassure them that everything is perfectly fine and you’re “never better” when really all you want to do is collapse in their arms and sob. There have been so may heart wrenching moments, and he will never know how much it’s hurt to not have him here when I’ve needed him the most.

Right now, as I text him, my best friend (and roommate) has just called me up in hysterics because she almost 100% sure she’s pregnant. Earlier today I had about 6 blood tests and a hour in the hospital to check a few things. And tomorrow I have a training/test day to become a manager at my work. These are things I wont tell him until the times right, until he needs to know.

And it’s not because he doesn’t want to know or because he doesn’t want to be there for me. It’s because I know he’d do anything to make it all better and he can’t, and that hurts him. Its because he would want to be there while I was having those tests done, or while I was getting the results back, but he can’t. And it’s because he’d want to physically hold me and support me while I support my friend but again, he can’t and it tears him apart.
The bond a military spouse has for service member runs deeper than just love or distance. The lengths we all go do to protect them while they’re away, to protect some of their mental and emotional health, is amazing.
I just never thought military life could be so hard … I never imagined how it would feel to feel your heart chip but having to hold it together.

Military life is extremely tiring, heart breaking and frustration but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Call me crazy, but this is the man I love. And for him, I am willing to do almost anything.

Stay Strong!

The Beginning of the End

Published December 17, 2013 by Tasha

I can feel it. I can slowly feel the year coming to an end. Christmas season is in full swing, is boiling hot with clear morning skies and summer night time storms. Decorations are up everywhere and the crazy Christmas rush will soon appear. The shops will be packed in the next few days, making the simple task of getting milk and bread a two hour mission. It all comes with the season I guess, it doesn’t bother me.

But this Christmas feels broken.

My parents, who brought me up to believe that love is everlasting and marriage is forever, told my sister and I about their separation a few months back. This will be the last Christmas as a “family”.

This will be my first Christmas without my best friend Lissa. And that hurts more than I could ever express. It hurts so much that at night I don’t sleep, I don’t even cry. I just stare at the ceiling until my mind gives up and sleep pulls me away.
Lissa and I had so many plans. We were meant to go to Italy, Paris, Germany, Greece …. Europe these holidays starting the day after Christmas. It was going to be a three month holiday, just us. We had been organizing it for the whole year, and having our boyfriends meet us at our last destination Greece (if it was possible). She was my rock. She understood the Military life. Her long term boyfriend was an Airman, just as mine was. I miss her everyday. Its is just a month and  half off a full year of her murder. And the day that I saw my world crumble. I would give anything to have her back.

To add to my stress … Is Him. He alone hasn’t done anything. That I know of. Apart from being radio silent today. Yesterday we had a talk about his mother. He wants to have another talk to her, as she disapproves of “us”. And for “us” to actually have a future he needs her to be happy about it. And I get that, man, I do. But he also doesn’t know the full story. He doesn’t know the history between her and me and how she absolutely terrifies me. She has so much power, and she has hurt me so much in the past. When he gets back home he wants to get everything out in the open. Which means that I have to talk to him about what she’s done and said to me. Just writing it down is making me shake.
Telling him can go two ways. He can run or he can work through this with me … Just like he said. I just want him home.

On a happier note though, he comes home this weekend for a month. Which is simply amazing. Right after he leaves I’ll be moving out.
Yes! Leaving home … Packing up and making the next step to adulthood. We haven’t got a place yet, but we do have a place to go to if we don’t find a house soon. It will be a good start to 2014. I am very excited to start this new chapter! And really its the only thing thats keeping me afloat right now. I have so many things going on in my life, a lot of things ending while others just beginning. It feels like my head is going to explode!

But … I am looking forward to the end of 2013. This year was an absolute nightmare and I will be glad when it is behind me.
Its the Beginning of the End. 2014 WILL be my year!


Published April 21, 2013 by Tasha

I finally understand. Parts … Only parts I guess.

You all might think I have gone completely crazy, but hear me out and I’m sorry if I don’t explain it very well, it’s all still muddled in my head.

As of tomorrow, it will mark four months since my Airman and I went our separate ways. And even though we’re on friendlier terms now and we talk from time to time, it still hurts if I think about it too much. It hurts now because I understand.

I understand why he broke up with me. I understand that it hurt him to destroy someone he cares/d so deeply about. I understand that it was something he had to do. And even though he shouldn’t of lied to me about loving me and he should of told me sooner, I saw that he tried his hardest. He made me feel loved. And for some reason he just can’t love. For now. And its not me, its not my fault or something I could of prevented. It is just his issues that he has to deal with himself. He has to grow up.

I just wish he could see himself through my eyes. See how much of a wonderful boyfriend he was, even while he was training. I wish i could show him how much he means to me, and how proud of him I am.

And I might be the girl he falls in love with one day, or I may not be. But I am so so so grateful for the time spent with him. All the beautiful memories we gave each other.

At the end of the day he tried, and that’s all I could of asked of him. Its all any person wants in a relationship. All you want is someone to try for you. And he did.

I never saw his side before now. How it was just as hard for him to watch the girl he cares most about, fall apart because he simply couldn’t find the strength to love again.
I was too blinded by hurt, anger and confusion that I couldn’t see the pain that it caused him. I see that now, it’s evident in how we relate to each other. He doesn’t want to hurt me more so he tries too keep his distance, even though something keeps pulling us back towards each other.
And it will be hard for me to trust him again, or forgive him for lying to me … But I now see his side. He didn’t do it “just cuz”. He didn’t “play” me on purpose. I know he cared about me, deeply, he trusted me and gave a piece of his heart to me that he knew I could break.

In the end … We might have been the right for each other, but the timing was wrong. And if we’re meant to be, we’ll find a way back to each other. And if not, we’ll both just be beautiful memories that we can look back on.
And when I think like that, when I finally understood his side the raw pain of the break up lessened a little. It still hurts, but only because I understand that he did’t play me on purpose … He tried his hardest to feel something his heart couldn’t allow right now.
I just hope that one day it will. I hope that one day he will take the risk to love properly. I guess this is all part of the letting go process.

There’s just one more part to this that I can’t understand, not yet. Did he mean it when he said “I will come back to you” ? Did he mean it when he said he was going to fix himself and then see if we could have another chance? Was that from his heart, or something just to mask the pain?
I guess I’ll never get answers to some of my questions, but for now I’m content in what I am finally able to understand.

Back To Square One

Published March 29, 2013 by Tasha

And my world crashes down again.

You know how I said my ex was flying in Thursday (well that was yesterday) and it would be the first time he’d be here and I wouldn’t be seeing him? Well guess who walked into my work last night?

I’ll give you three guesses ….

Yupp. Him. My ex.

Admittedly I work in a Pizza shop, so I have a lot of people come into work I know. But him and his family DO NOT eat the type of pizza I make. They eat the more expensive ones. Only once in my 18 years have I seen him eat the cheaper type of pizzas. Why tonight? Why him?
He knows where I work. Why did he have to be the one to get the pizzas, out of the four people in his family ..?

Out of all the random chances that happen in every day life, we were put together. AGAIN.
Out of all the people in his family he came in to place the order. Out of all the people I worked with I was sent out to talk to him about his order. Out of all the days I work the days he’s here (which was only last night and will be Sunday night) and out of all the hours of the night, he came in on the day I worked and the time I was in full view of the customers.

Seriously. What are the odds? What are the chances of that happening?

It was odd. There was no awkwardness. He was surprised to see me, but happy. And my heart broke. Again. How can he be happy? I mean I’m glad he is, but … What about me? How can he be happy when he completely destroyed me?
We talked for a little bit, mainly about his order because the base he wanted we couldn’t supply at the time.

I can tell you now. I felt sick. I wanted to puke. I was so close to a breakdown it wasn’t funny. Work was intense (we made 500 pizzas in 2 hours, so you can just imagine how fast I had to work and how many orders were there) and he was the lat person I thought I’d see at my work.

Now it’s like back to square one.
I didn’t realise how much I missed him until he was standing there right in front of me.
And I didn’t realise how much I wanted to be with him, until he was there and he wasn’t mine anymore.

Take a Breath & Pick Them Up

Published March 24, 2013 by Tasha

For three days this week I have managed to go to the gym.
For all of this week  I have managed to ride my horse.
Twice this week I have gone to work.
And I also completed two Journalism assignments, one, two weeks early.
If I look back to what I use to do, that is nothing .. But I have to start somewhere. And so far this has been really good for my mental health. I am feeling a little better within myself (the nights that I don’t have some weird ass dream about my ex) and slowly I am able to do more things during my day.
To a lot of you, this mightn’t seem like anything, but for me … It is a big improvement from when I was curled up under my doona, crying my eyes out and PRAYING that in a year my ex would just magically come back to me.

I still have days, or moments in my day when I will see something, hear a song or something will trigger a memory that will pull at my heart. But I am able to bounce back from those days/moments. At times I still look at my calendar and wonder how I am going to get through this year, but then a small voice whispers, “well you’ve got this far, haven’t you?”

It can only get better from here. Since the break up, since he left to go back to base (basically 3 months ago), it has been a god damn struggle. I have felt my heart break over and over again, multiple times a day. I have had everything shouting at me not to get up in the morning and  I have had to battle against my own heart, mind and soul to continue on but I have got to now. It’s still not easy. And it’s not going to be a walk in the park from now on either. I am fully aware that I am going to have my bad days again, but I am slightly comforted by knowing that those bad days don’t go on forever. They end. They disappear and so does the hurt. And then a brand new day, a lesson or something will emerge and make you realise that the bad days are worth it in the end.

It wasn’t until today, when I had my music blaring and I was running on my local road that I noticed that my heart didn’t hurt as much anymore. Dear god, I still miss him terrible. I still wish that we were together, that the break up didn’t happen. But the hurt isn’t as fresh. I am able to laugh, to smile to joke around. I am able to flirt with other guys without secretly wishing they were my ex.
The only thing that hurts now is the memories and the ache from missing him, which I am use to by now. There is still a small part of me holding onto my ex, hoping for another chance. But the rest of me knows that we’re over. That there is nothing more for me, I gave everything I was and he threw it back into my face. He may have cared, but I highly doubt he ever did love me. I know he lied throughout our whole 21 month relationship. I know that he might of felt hurt that he was breaking my heart, but that he would of got over it pretty quickly. I know that he has no regrets and that he’s led me on. I know that he feels sadness for the loss of our friendship, but I know that he doesn’t care enough to fight for it. I understand that he will never come back to me, and if he does nothing will have changed. I know that we could of had an amazing life together, but that it was just the wrong time for both of us. I completely understand now that I had to let him go in order for me to truly move on.
In the past week, I have come to a lot of conclusions about my relationship with my ex, which have led to peace.

The only thing I don’t know is, will he contact me when he gets his orders? Will he tell me where he is being based for the next few years?
And even though a large part of me has come to terms with how we ended and that we won’t have another chance, a small part of me still wonders, still is curious to see if we could make another go of it in another couple of years. And there is a part of me that wonders if we’ll ever be able to go back to being “just friends” when we’ve got the history we do?

I guess there are still somethings that are up for question, and they will only be answer at the end of this year. But for now I am content with my life.

It has been amazing to see what a little exercise, healthy eating and “me time” can do, how much it can heal the heart and mind.
It was pretty much the last thing I felt like doing straight after my break up and the death of my best friend, but slowly I have got there. And maybe I needed that time, maybe we all need that time, to heal. To cry and scream. To question God, “where the hell are you?! Why are you letting this happen to me?!?” Maybe we all need that time to grieve, and only grieve, before we are able to pick ourselves up and carry on.
Because three months on, I am able to pick up the pieces. I may not be able to successfully glue my heart back together again, but I feel that I am able to bend down and pick up the shattered and bruised pieces lying all over the floor.

You mightn’t be there yet, but try it. Test it out. Even if it’s just a slow walk with your dog. It helps, I promise you. And before you know it you’re able to look at the broken pieces of your heart and start collecting them again. You mightn’t be strong enough to use the super glue yet, but you might just have enough strength to reach out and touch the pieces on the floor. And that’s a start. That’s where we ALL start.

Just take a breath sweetie, and pick them up.