laughter

All posts tagged laughter

Learning – He will Always Come Back.

Published May 7, 2014 by Tasha

Its amazing, and a little terrifying, that you still learn things about your partner even after being with them for years.

I have known my guy for 19 years and have dated him for almost 3 of them. And I am still discovering major things about him. One I learnt tonight. It’s something that has been a massive issue in our relationship and has created a lot of hurt in the past.

He goes through these “phases” (as he like to put it) where he will push me away and act incredibly distant. And when he acts like this I worry about his affections for me. I automatically think he doesn’t want me anymore, that he doesn’t love me and he wants to end “us”.
Because there is a big part of me that worries too much. Over thinks and over analyse things. I take things too personally and take on other people’s dramas when I have more than enough to worry about.

And, as far as he’s concerned, that isn’t the case at all. Just because he’s distant, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me. It means that somethings going on and I just need to wait for him to come back to me.

This week is a good example.
For exactly a week he’s been distant. He’s pushed me away. And when he pushes me away, even I find it hard to recognise it. He does it in such a way, my emotions get caught up in themselves and I over think every little thing. This whole week has been one big rough patch, I have felt awful … Three times this week I have cried myself to sleep, convinced I was losing him. After all he was showing all the signs; taking hours to reply to my text messages, or not replying at all. Not holding a conversation, when usually he’s the one to contact me first and keep a healthy, hilarious (or serious) conversation alive. Usually we’re talking every day for hours, or he’ll call me. Even the way he talked to me changed from “boyfriend” to “I can’t be bothered with you”.

And then tonight happened.
My mind had set its self on the idea that either he did not want me anymore or another girl was involved. I laid it all out on the table, waiting for him to confirm my fears.
Of course he didn’t. Because he’s not the type of guy.
Of course there wasn’t another girl.
And of course he didn’t want to end things.
He still didn’t tell me what was wrong until I dug just a little bit deeper.

“I always fail”
Me: What do u mean you always fail?!
“I always seem to let you down in the end.” 

That text and the few that followed from him almost broke my heart. I’m pretty sure a bit of it fell off.
He has always struggled with that and it’s been my job to reassure him that he’s wrong. And it hurt to see him wrestle with these thought tonight. But at the same time I learnt something new about him, about us.

He might go through these phases but it doesn’t mean anything. Its not personal. It doesn’t mean he hates me, or doesn’t want me anymore. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me or wants to end things. It simply means he’s working through something and I just need to have patience. Worrying isn’t going to help. Freaking out and demanding answers wont help either. Being there when he needs me, at the exact moment he needs me, will help, whether he wants it or not.

And most importantly, believing and knowing that he will come back to me. Because why not?
He has always come back to me, he has never left me … Not entirely.
The friendship, trust and the bond that has been built over the years has always carried us through.
Tonight I learnt that it’s stronger than what I give it credit for.

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73 days and counting!

Published May 3, 2014 by Tasha

I had just come back from shopping with V (one of my best friends who’s an army wife). And i had 10 minutes to submit my assignment. 
Flinging my shopping on the kitchen counter, I raced over to my computer. I had my emails open and one caught my eye. 
The acceptance or rejection letter sent from the Darwin University. My hands were shaking and I opened it, my mind was tossing around a thousand things.  
I had to read the letter twice, before it sunk in.

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I am pleased to inform you that you have been offered a place in the Bachelor of Psychological Science at Charles Darwin University…”

Seeing the time, I quickly uploaded my assigment and sent it off. Sighed heavily and then closed the screen. The acceptance letter was still sitting there.
“Oh my god. Oh my god” I breathed over and over again. My hands were shaking, my voice was shaking, I was shaking. V, who was making lunch, looked up,
What? What’s going on?”
“I got in.” It took a little bit for it to sink in. I took another big breath, “I. Got. In!!!”

I still can’t believe it. Even a few weeks later. I can’t believe that this idea V helped me with, is reality.
In 73 short days, the car will be packed, my “see you laters” told and the music will be playing as the Boy and I make our way across the country. 4 days on the road together. And the distance finally closed.
We will still have a 3 hour drive between us, but we will be in the same state again. We will see each other every 2/3 weeks instead of every 4/5 months.

My next little adventure.
I never thought it would be my turn when I could say, “After 2 and a bit years, we will be closing the distance. Finally.”
This is what we have fought, struggled, hoped and loved towards.

Distance

Published April 28, 2014 by Tasha

I had a girl look at me with sad eyes yesterday and utter those words,
“How do you DO distance?”

She couldn’t ever imagine being separated from her boyfriend for more than a night and she couldn’t ever believe how you survived distance. Those relationships were destined to fail.

I look at her with a small smile and shrugged,
“You don’t just DO distance. You adapt. You learn and you survive. Its what happens when the love of your life is away.” 

No one puts their hand up for distance, no one goes “Oh pick me!”
But when you fall in love with someone and they enlist, or when your heart lives in a different country, you learn to deal with it. Sure, it’s hard, it’s frustrating, annoying and heartbreaking at times. It’s a million things. You just learn to pick yourself up again and keep on going.

I wait. Months and months. It’s been 5 months since I’ve seen my boyfriend. And everytime he comes home on leave, its amazing. I will hold him close and spend every moment I can with him. Cherish the days and nights we’re able to be with each other. And then when it’s time for him to return to base, I let him go.
I give him a hug, a kiss and I whisper, “I’ll see you soon.”
And then I watch him board the plane.

Its not easy. The first lot of times I cried my eyes out as I walked back to the car, or in the shower that night, or later in the shopping center, or just randomly somewhere. But with each separation you get stronger, your partner gets stronger and so does your relationship. Until one day the “goodbyes” don’t take so much out of you, until one day you realise that you’ve adapted. You’ve grown and you’ve learnt.

Then, a month, a year, four years down the track you aren’t saying “goodbyes” anymore, you’re saying, “Goodnight.

That is what keeps you going. Hope. Faith. And love.

Changes

Published November 20, 2013 by Tasha

I’m writing this just before work. My rooms a mess, from the previous week of exams, my head is thinking of a hundred and one things I have to do, and, unfortunately, my body can only do one thing at a time.

I have finally finished all Uni exams and is on holidays. FINALLY. I can’t even begin to explain how good that feels. Knowing that I don’t have to be stressed about an up coming exam, or feel guilty about watching a movie when I really should be studying. This feeling was short lived when He got new orders …. Or as I like to say, an Add On.
In mid-Febuary next year he will be posted overseas. We don’t know for how long yet, but because he is going with his new Squadron, hopefully it will only be for 3-6 months. Its frustrating that we have no idea whats happening with that, and as equally as frightening. Him on the other hand is over the moon he’s going. And so he should be. Being posted overseas is a big deal for him and his future. He will rank up quicker and he will be one of the youngest going over there. If he can handle it well, behave himself and do as he’s told, it will be like gold on his record.
As happy as I am for him, I am also sad. We are just getting back on track, we are finally okay again and then this is thrown our way. I guess this will be the test.

I am also starting my new routine of dance, work, gym, cooking and riding. My life is finally organised (unlike my room) all I need to do now is follow it.
I am also working two jobs, which makes me also working full time. I’ll tell you why I have to work so much a little later, once things are finalised a little more. But its exciting! And I can’t wait for it!!

He … The love of my life … Is graduating tomorrow. I couldn’t be more thrilled or more proud. He has overcome so much. He has put his heart and soul into his training and now, as of tomorrow, he will be finished. He will get to spend the day today and tomorrow with his family. He will be able to celebrate everything, all his ups and downs. And I wish with all my heart that I could be there, but unfortunately that isn’t the way it worked out.
Then a week exactly from yesterday, he will be home. I will be in his arms again. As he said last night, “I will be coming home to you.” I never thought those words could melt my heart as much as they did. Coming home to you. After everything that’s happened, I never thought he’d stay them again.

There are so many changes happening in my life, all for the good. And I couldn’t be happier right now. It’s funny how things have a way of working out in the end, isn’t it?

One Word. Amazing.

Published April 1, 2013 by Tasha

I just have one word to describe today … AMAZING.
It was pure and utter freedom. I can’t describe it any other way. The music was blasting out of the car stereo, the wind was in our hair and it felt like we were invincible.

Today was the day that my girls and I had been holding out for. We all needed this trip more than life it’s self it seemed. For the first time ever I went 4-wheel driving on the beach (my dad of course made sure it was safe and gave me a “crash course” before we were let loose). My two girls came along and we packed the most beautiful picnic. We found a isolated part of the beach, turned up the music, danced until we collapsed and ate until we couldn’t move.
After the tied had gone down we packed up our things, changed the music to something upbeat and jumped into the car ready for some more adventure.
The sun was out, making it a hot day but the salty breeze gave the day a perfect temperature. The sand was white and gold and the water was an amazing crystal blue. When we looked ahead of us, it looked like it stretched on forever. The day could not have been more perfect.

Of course we had our fun. Fish-tailing the Rodeo. We sped over the bumps, and glided along the smooth sand once the tied had gone out. Later we parked and watched the sunset go down. We made some new friends and showed some of the guys how it’s done. We couldn’t get enough of the feeling that comes with driving on the beach with your best friends and some good music. As one of the girls said, “I feel like we’re in one of those movies. Where the girls are having the time of their lives and you sit there wishing you could do something like that. I feel so much more alive out here.”
And that’s the only way I can really explain the feeling.
We were free of all our problems for the day. Anything that was hurting us, went away. For just a day we could pretend we were free from every bad thing.

But … No day comes without it’s problems. It first started when I took the wrong turn and ended up adding another 15 minutes to the 2 hour trip. Then the shop we needed to go to for the beach permit, was closed and no one else in Bribie could help us. So after travelling around for another half hour we eventually found a place that sold them. And then … While forgetting completely that my ex was on leave … He drives past us, on the beach, and stops. He tells his friends to stop driving, gets out and comes over to me.
He asks if I’m okay …. I seriously don’t know what possessed him to come over to us, but he did. I don’t even know why he did when the last time we talked a few days ago, he didn’t want me in his life and to stay out of it.

But it was better this time. I was able to keep my cool. I was able to walk away without thinking I was going to throw up. This time I was able to continue on, happy as anything, enjoying life. And this time, I don’t want to text him like last time. This time I am able to sit back and let him come to me … Either that or fade from of my life … It’s his choice and I’m so relieved.

It really was the most amazing day of my life. The feeling, the “high” we felt was unlike anything I could ever explain. 4 wheel driving was one of the things I really wanted to do with my ex, but today just showed me that, yet again, I don’t need him to do these things. I can have just as much fun with my girls.
As I live my life without him, I see that I don’t need him to be happy. I don’t need him to have an amazing future. I don’t need him period. And really, to be honest, as much as I love him and want the best for him, I am glad that I can prove to myself I am just as capable without him.

And that alone is an amazing feeling …

A New Beginning

Published March 20, 2013 by Tasha

Tomorrow is my new beginning … So to speak.
I have tried to do this so many times, but I feel that I am stronger enough to do it this time. For good.
My room is half clean and I am making headway with my “jobs” list that is way too long.

I only have half a day to complete most things before I have to go into Uni for two classes, but at least it’s a start. To kick start my day I have my gym clothes laid out and I have a pump (weight) class lined up. It is a class that tones me up super fast and I use to love doing it because it took my mind off my (ex) Airman. For that 45 minutes or an hour I was just able to focus on ME.
Afterwards I have riding and then it’s back home to finish off my list.

I’m setting up a routine so I eat healthily, exercise and at the same time get everything done. I know half the reason why I feel so shitty most days is because I am not eating properly. Since the break up, even though I have tried a few times to get myself back on track, I have stopped my usual routine.
From tomorrow on wards that is going to change. And the reason I am writing about this is so I have extra motivation. I have now published my goals on the internet and if I come back in a few days time telling you all how crap life is, how I can’t reach my goals and just being a total whinge pot, I would look as if I’ve let myself down. And that’s the last thing I am willing to do right now. A lot of people in my life have let me down, I can’t be one of them.

Of course I am going to have my crap days (and yeah .. You’re all going to have to sit through more depressive posts … Ma Bad!) but at least half of the things I put up will be positive to out way my bad days. Because if I look back on my posts now … They aren’t all the positive. They are helpful, and give you a insight on how I am feeling … But really … They are just all these bad emotions,that yeah I needed to get out, but aren’t very helpful or useful to me anymore.

I need to get back into shape, both my mind and my body. And really, its about time I actually did something about it.

 

Good in Goodbye – Carrie Underwood

Published February 14, 2013 by Tasha

Another moved on song. It’s also bittersweet. Only a few lyrics spoke to me in this one, but it is still very true. I am not up to the part of my journey when I can see that there is a good reason why my ex & I parted. I still want to believe that we have another chance. I don’t want to let him go. And I know that’s not healthy. But maybe I will as Uni, work, my horses, gym and about 50 other things start up. Maybe I will let go naturally …

I heard you laughing in a crowd outside a restaurant we used to go to
I caught a glimpse that stopped me in my tracks
It took me back
You looked happy with that little girl up on your shoulders, happy
I know where she got those crystal eyes of blue
Time’s been sweet to you

[Chorus:]
As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, there’s good in goodbye

I don’t regret it
The time we had together
I won’t forget it
But we both ended up where we belong
I guess goodbye made us strong
And yeah I’m happy
I found somebody too who makes me happy
And I knew one day I’ll see you on the street
And it’d be bittersweet

[Chorus:]
But as bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Outro:]
As bad as it was, yeah, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye, yeah
Yeah