long distance

All posts tagged long distance

Drum Roll Please …. “Defacto”

Published July 5, 2015 by Tasha

We were driving in his car, on the way to drop me back off at my dorm. Our bellies were full from lunch and we were quiet because it was our last day together for a few weeks. 
It was in that moment, as we stopped at a red light, that I asked him where he thought we were going. You see, throughout the last few years he had always squirmed at the idea of “marriage” or “living together”. It wasn’t so much a commitment thing, more a personal thing. I knew this when I moved to be closer to him, and I made sure that I wasn’t moving JUST for him. I knew full well that after he posted out of the NT, we could very much go our separate ways. He gets posted away and I graduate University and go my own way in life. No matter how much history we had, or the crazy chemistry that had kept us alive over miles and miles and miles throughout the years, I knew that maybe we just weren’t meant to be together in the “grown up” world. Maybe we were highschool sweethearts that weren’t able to be anything else then that first big love of your life.

So when he looked at me with those breath taking blue eyes, smiled his charming smile and said “I’ve been thinking about us becoming defacto”, I knew something had shifted. 
Yes, I almost choked and it took me a full couple of minutes to recover from the shock. He relished the idea that he had rendered me speechless and took the moment to expand on what he had just said. 
We were on the main road back to campus at this point. My mind was buzzing, I had so many questions but I was unable to say anything apart from stare at him or out the window as he quickly explained where he was coming from. 

As he spoke about defacto and how he had been thinking about it for a few months (way before I even thought it was a possibility) I couldn’t stop thinking about how far he had come. FINALLY. After all these years, after all this time, it was coming together. FINALLY. Finally this day had come. 

That was a few months ago now. Since then the “idea” of becoming defacto is now a very real possibility. There are still a few hurdles to jump through, like money, we have to overcome first. But the very notion of this means the world to me. We are aiming to get a house to start (and complete) the defacto process at the end of this year. As we are going away on a holiday near the end of this year, getting a place will be tricky. But at the end of this year, beginning of next, is the only time we have to do it before I have to sign a year long contract at the Uni campus or become homeless.

I can’t believe how far we have come, just this year alone! And my love for him just keeps growing … Maybe we were meant to last in this crazy ride we call the “adult world”.
Maybe, just maybe, if you’re really lucky, you get to keep the first big love of your life.

Saying Goodbye

Published February 15, 2015 by Tasha

You know its coming and even though you’ve gone it a million times before, it still leaves you feeling empty. It leaves you feeling hollow and alone, even if you’d just had the most amazing time with him. And every time they leave you have that moment, that second, where you really consider what it’s doing to you. To them. To the relationship. Instead of seeing a light at the end of this dark, tiring tunnel, you see a small flicker and sometimes, in these moments, it almost goes out completely. Almost.

By now, coming into our third year of distance, this May, I have a routine down pat. Once he leaves, I walk back into my room with my heart still beating fast from that last kiss, that last hug, those last few touches and I curl up in bed. It still smells like him and I wrap myself in the blankets, with his hoodie on, and I fall asleep for a few hours. He usually gives me a text when he’s arrived home, just so I know he’s okay. We’ll talk for a little bit before one of us falls asleep. And then I get up the next day and go about my business, wishing I could come home to him.

Saying goodbye is never easy. And there have been, there are times, that we have both really thought about what we are doing. Moving to Darwin was a decision I made to close the distance, but even then, we still have a car ride and fuel prices to pay before we can make the trip to see each other.

One day it will be over. One day he will come home to me, every single night. One day I will be able to wake up to him every single morning and not have to worry about when he is leaving again. One day we will have a place of our own.
One day, we will look back and say “we’ve made it.”

#12 – Letters To Him

Published March 24, 2014 by Tasha

To you baby,

I can’t wait for you to come home. Its been too long since I heard your voice, felt your warmth, spent quality time with you.
But you coming home also means that you see Her. The girl you never had. She was out of your life for good, until about a month ago. You have PROMISED me that nothing is going to change, none of your feelings are going to change. But theres a part of me that feels that it already has.
I know that we aren’t officially together, and thats why I feel like this. You must understand that. We have history, bad history that may never allow us to be together in the way we want, but with her you have a fresh start. She might be the girl you love for the rest of your life, and the thought of that kills me.

I guess I have to be the bigger person. I have to let you go and do what you want. And I? I have to take a well needed step back. I am too tied up in you and thats dangerous. That’s how I’ll end up hurt again.

You haven’t changed in how you speak or treat me. And I just have to trust you.

For now I have you and all I need you to do is be honest with me about “us”.

Airport Pick Ups – The Turning Point

Published March 1, 2014 by Tasha

I can’t believe how far my man and I have come.

What brought me to this heart melting moment was the “Airport Dilemma”.  This is something that has been going on since he enlisted in 2012. Every time he came home on leave his mother would pick him and drop him off. No questions asked. I wasn’t asked how I felt about it or asked if I wanted to come. I just had to accept that his mother and sister would be the first one to see him and I would have to wait a day or two before I saw him. I understand that you need family time and family is important, but there are things that are unacceptable and waiting two days to see someone that supposedly  “means the world” to you and who you “miss more than anything”, is something that’s not on in my books.
But at the end of the day, his mother was the one that picked him up, dropped him off and did eveything in between. That was just a fact and even though it hurt and it bugged me to the extreme I just let it slid.

Actually I let a lot of things slide, until last time he was home.
Christmas/New Years break. I could, maybe, count how many times I saw him on one hand in the five/six weeks he had home. That was the final straw for me and I had this big talk with him. I laid out how I wanted to be treated and if he wasn’t willing to treat me like that, then I needed him to walk away and this time not to come back. Ever.
It took us about a month and a bit to recover from our fights over Christmas break (due to the fact that I was getting more and more upset and frustrated that his words and actions were not matching up in the slightest. I was feeling incredibly used. And it almost felt like he didn’t  care.) and the big message I sent him and the conversation that followed.

Because we are at long distance I didn’t know how he was going to prove how his actions and words were going to match up this time. There wasn’t anything we or I could do apart from moving on and to wait until he came home in April.

That was until tonight. Tonight was a turning point for us. For him at least. It showed me that he had taken what I’d said on board. It proved to me that he was willing to treat me the way I wanted and deserved to be treated.

Tonight he asked me to pick him up at the Airport. Just me. Only me. I will be the first one to see him. To a lot of you, you’re probably going to think I’m crazy. You get to pick up your loved one with his family or yours or just by yourself every time. Don’t take it for granted. For some of us it’s a rare luxury.

When he asked I squealed and then quickly bit into my pillow. I have roommates who are probably fast asleep and hearing me scream at 1 o’clock in the morning is probably a little strange. So I had to settle for, biting my pillow and rolling around in my sheets. Butterflies were exploding from my heart. They still are … Even though we said good night about 20 minutes ago.
He told me that his mum would have happily picked him up but he wanted me to be there. Jaw-dropping moment.

That. Right there. Was the turning point. The point were he proved to me that he meant what he was saying.

Holding Down the Fort

Published February 7, 2014 by Tasha

I think one of the hardest things to do as a military spouse, or even someone whos at distance to their loved one for the duration of their relationship, is keeping everything under control at home.

And when things spiral out of control, keeping it together so you don’t worry and distract them. There have been multiple times that I have replied, “Everything is good here baby. I’m fine.” While sobbing. And it’s not because I haven’t wanted to tell him, or that we don’t have a open relationship. No, it’s because he cannot have distractions at certain times in his job. Its because he cannot be worrying about me just before a major test or before a deployment. It’s because I love him that I do this. And then, when he’s home with me, or when I feel that he can hold everything together while I fall apart, that I tell him. Most of the time I glaze over the gory details, and most of the time it comes up in conversation when I have got myself through it.

It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Its extremely hard to take a deep breath and to steady yourself before taking their call, demanding yourself not to cry when you hear their voice. Its even harder to “lie” and reassure them that everything is perfectly fine and you’re “never better” when really all you want to do is collapse in their arms and sob. There have been so may heart wrenching moments, and he will never know how much it’s hurt to not have him here when I’ve needed him the most.

Right now, as I text him, my best friend (and roommate) has just called me up in hysterics because she almost 100% sure she’s pregnant. Earlier today I had about 6 blood tests and a hour in the hospital to check a few things. And tomorrow I have a training/test day to become a manager at my work. These are things I wont tell him until the times right, until he needs to know.

And it’s not because he doesn’t want to know or because he doesn’t want to be there for me. It’s because I know he’d do anything to make it all better and he can’t, and that hurts him. Its because he would want to be there while I was having those tests done, or while I was getting the results back, but he can’t. And it’s because he’d want to physically hold me and support me while I support my friend but again, he can’t and it tears him apart.
The bond a military spouse has for service member runs deeper than just love or distance. The lengths we all go do to protect them while they’re away, to protect some of their mental and emotional health, is amazing.
I just never thought military life could be so hard … I never imagined how it would feel to feel your heart chip but having to hold it together.

Military life is extremely tiring, heart breaking and frustration but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Call me crazy, but this is the man I love. And for him, I am willing to do almost anything.

Stay Strong!

Struggling Update

Published January 23, 2014 by Tasha

It’s taken me a long time to come to terms about whats happening and its taken equally as long to accept. Normally writing about such things given me some sort of peace, a out let. Isn’t that why we all do it? To see all our thoughts and feelings on a page, and try to make sense of it all.
And sometimes it does. You have those moments, in mid-sentence, where it suddenly all becomes clear. But this time I had to make some sort of sense of whats happening to actually put it in words.

My parents are separating.
To a lot of you, it sounds so simple. Sure, you will understand how messy it can get and how upsetting it can be. But to me, its one thing on top of another. My mother is being left with nothing and my father is someone I don’t even recognize  anymore. My sister cries herself to sleep every night and she is so close to jumping off the deep end. My family is falling apart and I can’t do anything about it.

I was brought up in a Christian household. Separation/ divorce is a sin. I was brought up with strong beliefs and as I’ve gotten older I have adapted and formed my own values and beliefs. But when your parents, who have taught you that love is eternal and marriage is forever, suddenly announce their separation it shakes you and everything you thought you believed in, seems to crumble. It has taken me many months and several heart to hearts with Him to right myself again. My sister on the other hand, is a ball of rage and I’m yet to figure out who or what she’ll take it out on.

Things started off fine and then they got messy. My father started threatening my mum and she is doing everything in her power to keep him happy so she can have my sister 50/50. Including not getting anything, no money, no house nothing. All the money is going to my father and my mum is starting off from scratch. From her first pay check. Luckily she is able to flat with her best friend, but she is still expected to pay for my sister’s private school, her ballet and girl guides. Among supporting herself and my sister as just two people.
I have never been more mad at my father.

Luckily I am able to almost support myself and my horse. And thankfully I am moving out in 8-10 days. Which is the happy part of all things. I will be moving out with my best friend and her boyfriend. And even though their relationships isn’t the best right now, we cannot wait to live together. And I can’t wait to start living this new chapter of my life.

The Boy (Him) is good. Things have been a little rough the past week but we are slowly pushing through. We are starting to prove to each other that we’re both as serious about this as the other. And I am starting to believe him when he says “I’m here to stay”. We still have a very long way to go and we still have a lot of battles we need to overcome, but its nice to have peace in at least once aspect of my life.

I guess that’s it for now. As I settle into my new house I will start back with the recipes and they will flood your feed! I have some good ones up my sleeve.

“A lot can change in a year”

Published December 31, 2013 by Tasha

I can hardly believe that a year as nearly been and done. It has gone too fast. And I can hardly believe that this time last year I was curled up in my bed, bawling my eyes out feeling like I’d never be okay again. I can’t believe how my life has changed, how much I’ve grown and just how much I have learnt about myself. About the power of the heart, the meaning of forgiveness and love, knowing that I just have to have faith.

It would of been just a few short days from now that He said those words, “a lot can change in a year”. I didn’t believe him. At that time he was my best friend, my recently ex boyfriend how had ripped my heart out in the cruelest way without much of a reason or warning. I refused to believe him when he said, “I’ll come back to you.” I wanted to desperately to believe that, I wanted to cling onto that. I wanted to be assured that I would be given happiness with him again. But as with all break ups, you aren’t given that reassurance. So I had to go on without him and with that I grew stronger. I became more independent, wanting my own things and forming my own dreams. I had my fair shares of falls, only a month after my break up, my best friend was murdered. She died in my arms. And that is something I will never heal from, I will only learn to live with the ache of her absence. Her murder, or “accident” as we thought it was at the time, has been a on going thing. But that helped me grow into the person I am now. And then my parents announced their divorce.  Which coming from a Christian household was like having the ground open up and threaten to eat you. That taught me, is continuing to teach me, one hundred and one things. And then I had something truly awful happen to me in October, it has taken a toll on both Him and me. That situation taught me to be careful who I trust, who I drink around and to always be on guard, even if you’re with your closest friends.
Everything that has happened this year has shown me the power of being and adult, the harshness of consequences, and the strength of the human heart and soul.

Last year I was barely getting through New Years. I was on a little boat, watching fireworks with my family. Forcing laughter and faking smiles. I kept checking facebook and hovering my finger over the “friends” button next to His name. It was the only form of contact I could of had, I’d deleted everything else and anyone else associated with him. On that boat, pretending that I was happy, I tried hard not to remember the previous New Years. We’d been on a beach, he spent hours upon hours telling me what he had planned for us. Our little day dream. To have that crash down, is something I could never explain.

This New Years has done a total 360. My ex and I (Him) have overcome so much, we have both healed and grown. We have supported, encouraged and carried each other through our darkest moments,  and now it’s time to just relax and let go. Having him here for New Years is one amazing thing in itself but going out, spending this time together, exploring our city’s nightlife together …. These are the memories that we will take with us when we’re apart.

As fast as 2013 has gone, I am not sad to see it go. I have big expectations for 2014 and I pray, I hope, that 2014 is miles better than the year I’ve just had. It is starting well though.
I have my Airman, the man of my dreams, holding me, surrounded by our closest friends. I have an amazing dress that I’m completely in love with and for once this year I am happy. Nothing fake about it. Nothing forced. I am happy, excited, thrilled …. For the first time in a while I feel free and comfortable.
That’ something, isn’t it?