We were driving in his car, on the way to drop me back off at my dorm. Our bellies were full from lunch and we were quiet because it was our last day together for a few weeks. It was in that moment, as we stopped at a red light, that I asked him where he thought we were going. You see, throughout the last few years he had always squirmed at the idea of “marriage” or “living together”. It wasn’t so much a commitment thing, more a personal thing. I knew this when I moved to be closer to him, and I made sure that I wasn’t moving JUST for him. I knew full well that after he posted out of the NT, we could very much go our separate ways. He gets posted away and I graduate University and go my own way in life. No matter how much history we had, or the crazy chemistry that had kept us alive over miles and miles and miles throughout the years, I knew that maybe we just weren’t meant to be together in the “grown up” world. Maybe we were highschool sweethearts that weren’t able to be anything else then that first big love of your life.
So when he looked at me with those breath taking blue eyes, smiled his charming smile and said “I’ve been thinking about us becoming defacto”, I knew something had shifted. Yes, I almost choked and it took me a full couple of minutes to recover from the shock. He relished the idea that he had rendered me speechless and took the moment to expand on what he had just said. We were on the main road back to campus at this point. My mind was buzzing, I had so many questions but I was unable to say anything apart from stare at him or out the window as he quickly explained where he was coming from.
As he spoke about defacto and how he had been thinking about it for a few months (way before I even thought it was a possibility) I couldn’t stop thinking about how far he had come. FINALLY. After all these years, after all this time, it was coming together. FINALLY. Finally this day had come.
That was a few months ago now. Since then the “idea” of becoming defacto is now a very real possibility. There are still a few hurdles to jump through, like money, we have to overcome first. But the very notion of this means the world to me. We are aiming to get a house to start (and complete) the defacto process at the end of this year. As we are going away on a holiday near the end of this year, getting a place will be tricky. But at the end of this year, beginning of next, is the only time we have to do it before I have to sign a year long contract at the Uni campus or become homeless.
I can’t believe how far we have come, just this year alone! And my love for him just keeps growing … Maybe we were meant to last in this crazy ride we call the “adult world”.
Maybe, just maybe, if you’re really lucky, you get to keep the first big love of your life.
I think one of the hardest things to do as a military spouse, or even someone whos at distance to their loved one for the duration of their relationship, is keeping everything under control at home.
And when things spiral out of control, keeping it together so you don’t worry and distract them. There have been multiple times that I have replied, “Everything is good here baby. I’m fine.” While sobbing. And it’s not because I haven’t wanted to tell him, or that we don’t have a open relationship. No, it’s because he cannot have distractions at certain times in his job. Its because he cannot be worrying about me just before a major test or before a deployment. It’s because I love him that I do this. And then, when he’s home with me, or when I feel that he can hold everything together while I fall apart, that I tell him. Most of the time I glaze over the gory details, and most of the time it comes up in conversation when I have got myself through it.
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Its extremely hard to take a deep breath and to steady yourself before taking their call, demanding yourself not to cry when you hear their voice. Its even harder to “lie” and reassure them that everything is perfectly fine and you’re “never better” when really all you want to do is collapse in their arms and sob. There have been so may heart wrenching moments, and he will never know how much it’s hurt to not have him here when I’ve needed him the most.
Right now, as I text him, my best friend (and roommate) has just called me up in hysterics because she almost 100% sure she’s pregnant. Earlier today I had about 6 blood tests and a hour in the hospital to check a few things. And tomorrow I have a training/test day to become a manager at my work. These are things I wont tell him until the times right, until he needs to know.
And it’s not because he doesn’t want to know or because he doesn’t want to be there for me. It’s because I know he’d do anything to make it all better and he can’t, and that hurts him. Its because he would want to be there while I was having those tests done, or while I was getting the results back, but he can’t. And it’s because he’d want to physically hold me and support me while I support my friend but again, he can’t and it tears him apart.
The bond a military spouse has for service member runs deeper than just love or distance. The lengths we all go do to protect them while they’re away, to protect some of their mental and emotional health, is amazing.
I just never thought military life could be so hard … I never imagined how it would feel to feel your heart chip but having to hold it together.
Military life is extremely tiring, heart breaking and frustration but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Call me crazy, but this is the man I love. And for him, I am willing to do almost anything.
Well he hands in his papers today to get cleared for leave.
I’m kind of nervous. Even though he has been doing excellent in his training, he hasn’t been getting into trouble and he’d been passing everything, his chain of command can still say no. And then what can you do? Nothing. If they won’t grant him leave, then I don’t see him until he graduates at the end of this year.
He’s talked about me coming to see him, just like I did when we were together. But … Something tells me not to. I don’t know what it is, but I probably should listen to it. I want to. I want to see him as much as possible. I want to be with him all the time. But there’s a huge BUT. That and I don’t have any money whatsoever to spend on plane tickets, food and hotel rooms.
And I don’t want him getting the idea that I’ll just hop to when he says. I didn’t mind when I was his girlfriend, in fact I loved it. I loved everything about traveling to him. I loved spending time with him, even if it was in a small, unknown town. And I miss all of it. I miss the flying, I miss the feeling I use to get, i miss staying up late and getting up at 12, trying to find a place was still serving breakfast. I miss waking up to him right there. I miss meeting his friends and checking out Base. I miss walking around the small town with him talking about everything and nothing. I miss all of it, so much. And I want to do it all again. But not like this. Not in this uncertain, fragile state. I have got to keep my heart locked up for now.
Sometimes, even though I am glad we have be able to make it this far, we had just fought a little harder. Things would be so much different. No buts, no ifs, no maybes, just a simple yes.
Oh well. I’m happy we are able to be in this spot again.
All being well he’s here in 7 days!