Drum Roll Please …. “Defacto”

We were driving in his car, on the way to drop me back off at my dorm. Our bellies were full from lunch and we were quiet because it was our last day together for a few weeks. 
It was in that moment, as we stopped at a red light, that I asked him where he thought we were going. You see, throughout the last few years he had always squirmed at the idea of “marriage” or “living together”. It wasn’t so much a commitment thing, more a personal thing. I knew this when I moved to be closer to him, and I made sure that I wasn’t moving JUST for him. I knew full well that after he posted out of the NT, we could very much go our separate ways. He gets posted away and I graduate University and go my own way in life. No matter how much history we had, or the crazy chemistry that had kept us alive over miles and miles and miles throughout the years, I knew that maybe we just weren’t meant to be together in the “grown up” world. Maybe we were highschool sweethearts that weren’t able to be anything else then that first big love of your life.

So when he looked at me with those breath taking blue eyes, smiled his charming smile and said “I’ve been thinking about us becoming defacto”, I knew something had shifted. 
Yes, I almost choked and it took me a full couple of minutes to recover from the shock. He relished the idea that he had rendered me speechless and took the moment to expand on what he had just said. 
We were on the main road back to campus at this point. My mind was buzzing, I had so many questions but I was unable to say anything apart from stare at him or out the window as he quickly explained where he was coming from. 

As he spoke about defacto and how he had been thinking about it for a few months (way before I even thought it was a possibility) I couldn’t stop thinking about how far he had come. FINALLY. After all these years, after all this time, it was coming together. FINALLY. Finally this day had come. 

That was a few months ago now. Since then the “idea” of becoming defacto is now a very real possibility. There are still a few hurdles to jump through, like money, we have to overcome first. But the very notion of this means the world to me. We are aiming to get a house to start (and complete) the defacto process at the end of this year. As we are going away on a holiday near the end of this year, getting a place will be tricky. But at the end of this year, beginning of next, is the only time we have to do it before I have to sign a year long contract at the Uni campus or become homeless.

I can’t believe how far we have come, just this year alone! And my love for him just keeps growing … Maybe we were meant to last in this crazy ride we call the “adult world”.
Maybe, just maybe, if you’re really lucky, you get to keep the first big love of your life.

Saying Goodbye

You know its coming and even though you’ve gone it a million times before, it still leaves you feeling empty. It leaves you feeling hollow and alone, even if you’d just had the most amazing time with him. And every time they leave you have that moment, that second, where you really consider what it’s doing to you. To them. To the relationship. Instead of seeing a light at the end of this dark, tiring tunnel, you see a small flicker and sometimes, in these moments, it almost goes out completely. Almost.

By now, coming into our third year of distance, this May, I have a routine down pat. Once he leaves, I walk back into my room with my heart still beating fast from that last kiss, that last hug, those last few touches and I curl up in bed. It still smells like him and I wrap myself in the blankets, with his hoodie on, and I fall asleep for a few hours. He usually gives me a text when he’s arrived home, just so I know he’s okay. We’ll talk for a little bit before one of us falls asleep. And then I get up the next day and go about my business, wishing I could come home to him.

Saying goodbye is never easy. And there have been, there are times, that we have both really thought about what we are doing. Moving to Darwin was a decision I made to close the distance, but even then, we still have a car ride and fuel prices to pay before we can make the trip to see each other.

One day it will be over. One day he will come home to me, every single night. One day I will be able to wake up to him every single morning and not have to worry about when he is leaving again. One day we will have a place of our own.
One day, we will look back and say “we’ve made it.”

Date Night

I was 20 minutes late. As I flew up the stairs that led into the house, I slammed into my mum.
“Someone’s in a hurry”
“I’m late!” I hollered as I hurried down the hallway, “I’m 20 minutes late!”
I don’t think I’ve ever got dressed, put my make up on and got my hair done that quick. Ever. The things he makes me do.

It was a beautiful night. We haven’t had a dinner date, or any date really, for so long. It was all smiles and laughter. Lots of cuddles and kisses. Dinner was amazing and we ate so much food I almost had to roll out of the restaurant.  He took me to Mt Cootha, which is a hill that overlooks the city. And on a clear night, you can see all the city lights. You can see all the planes flying into the airport and all the cars speeding along the road. From that mountain top, everything looks tiny. Everything looks like you could pick it up and play with them. And then it was back to my mums place, where I’m staying, for a few movies.

I wish we could do things like that more often.

Just Another Update

I’m sitting here, right next to the air con, trying to get cool. Queensland is horrible. Its dry, windy heat that we don’t have in the Northern Territory.
Beside me are my mum’s flatmate’s three poodles. They too are stretched out on the bed trying to find away to cool down. It’s too hot.

For the past 4 months I’ve gone to sit down and write, but instead I’ve stared at the blank screen trying to figure out what to write. How do I make my ordinary life interesting? How do I reach out to my followers like all those good blogs do? How do I touch your lives with my seemingly boring one?
I don’t have an answer, so instead I’ll give you just another update.

Since my last entry, nothing much has changed. Same things, just a different day. Uni, Work, Training,  Boyfriend. Everything is going smoothly.
Although I didn’t do as well as I wanted to in Uni this year, I accomplished other things. My horse is really coming along. He’s fat and happy, not getting the exercise he deserves right now but that will soon change when I get back from my holiday in Queensland.

My relationship is better than ever. Sometimes I wait for the other shoe to drop, I wait for a problem to crop up and shatter this blissful feeling, but no. Every hurdle that comes out way we seem to just step over effortlessly. Together. We travel back and forth to each other, mostly taking it in turns. I’m absolutely in love with him. I hope it’s only upwards from here.

Nothing much has changed in the last four months. I’m feeling much more settled in Darwin. I still struggle to call in home, but I feel content and happy there. Poor for the majority of the time, but just rich enough to put a little petrol in the ute and just a little food in me. The life of a Uni student I suppose.

I wont promise you I’ll start writing more, but I’d like to try. Its good and healthy and it keeps me busy in the heat of the day.
So, I’ll see you soon lovelies.

It’s Coming to an End

The distance I mean. Soon it will be (mostly) over.
We still have a three (very long) hour drive between us and with his work, 4 wheel driving, motor cross and ruby training as well as my Uni, work, dance, (maybe) cheerleading and horse riding, we will probably only see each other every 3 weeks or so. BUT that is better than what we currently have to deal with.
Seeing your SO every 4-6 months is a pain in the bloody ass. I know a lot of people have it harder, and a lot of people would kill to be able to see their loved one every 4-6 months. But after 2 years, I’m so very done with distance.

I saw The Boy on Sunday when I spent a week at his place. It was wonderful. And I realised a lot about our relationship.

I don’t have much to update you guys on. I’m frantically packing, cleaning, washing and figuring out everything before I leave to make the three day trip, next Wednesday!

47 days & a Horse

My heart is beating in my chest as I write this, or maybe its just stopped … I don’t know.
But the flood of emotions I feel is almost overwhelming.
Scared, anxious, excited, nervous, extremely happy, over-the-mood, butterflies …. I can hardly keep them contained.

There are only 47 days until I move to Darwin. 47. 
I have three pages, back and front, of things I need to do and organise before I leave. Landlords, car services, food, jobs, money, packing, planning, bills, saying my “see you laters”. I could go on and on, but what has really got me nervous/excited is my horse, something that has just happened only yesterday.

The original plan was to sell him. I didn’t want to but it was what is best for both of us. I need some time to grow up, explore the world, save, and while that can be done with a horse … Its just a lot less stressful for me if I don’t have him. It has been an agonising 3 months knowing that I’m moving and I can’t take him with me. Fielding phone calls and watching other people ride him. But there has always been something wrong, he’s too expensive, that want him but can’t afford a horse right now, they’ll buy him but want to leave him at my Coach’s place until the end of the year, things like that. Nothing has been right. So he is still in my hands.

With only 47 days left (roughly 4/5 weeks), it’s coming down to crunch time. The market for selling horses is nil here in Brisbane and I’m at loss at what to do.
So the only thing to do is to keep him, unless he sells in the next few weeks, and bring him to Darwin with me.
So not only do I have to budget and worry about myself, I also need to worry and budget for my horse. Who I love dearly and who has been my partner  and best friend for 7 years.

I am happy and excited to bring him with me, it will make me more at home, more at ease to have him there. But at the same time petrol, food, rent … LIVING in the Northern Territory  is way more expensive than Queensland. And I don’t know how I am going to afford it.

To say I am stressed is an understatement …. But it will be an adventure. One that I’ll never forget.

#13 – Letters to Him

I don’t understand you anymore.
I don’t understand our relationship anymore.

Ever since you left to go back to base you’ve shut me out. You won’t talk to me, and on the rare occasion that we do talk you will take hours to reply to my texts. Or you will just stop replying altogether.
You haven’t said “goodnight” to me for weeks, always ignoring me when its late at night.
Even the way you talk to me is different.

And when I asked you about this you said you were going through a “phase”.
I understand that. I understand rough patches and I understand that all relationships go through things. But this … This has been going on for weeks. This isn’t a mood or a phase anymore, this is something else and you refuse to talk about it.

I don’t know what else to do.

I’m so confused baby. Please help me understand what’s happening.

You say that nothing’s changed, that no one else, no other girl is in the picture, that you still want me … But then you still ignore me.
How am i meant to feel about that?

You can’t just choose when you want me and when you don’t. Thats not fair.
We have 47 days until I fly out to see you.
And as always you will expect me to be all cute and happy about seeing you. But unless you get your shit together, I will be anything but that.

I can’t kiss you and sleep with you  and pretend that you aren’t hurting me. I’m not that type of girl and I refuse to be that type of girl.
This hurts.
You have gone from calling me, telling me I am all you want, texting me all the time, saying and doing all these things that show just how much you love me and want me in your life and then in a matter of days turning on me.

Going on just your actions, you are blatantly saying “I do not want you. Go away.”

And the only thing thats keeping me here? The only thing that is keeping me holding on, is that I will see you soon and that will be my deciding moment. If in that moment you cannot come up with a suitable answer as to why you’re doing this … I’m done. And you wont even know whats happening. I will just get up and walk through that door and you will never see me again.

Stop this before it’s really too late baby.

2 Years Today

2 years ago I cried.
2 years ago he got sworn in.
2 years ago he left.
2 years ago the Air Force became his new home.

I still remember that day as if it were yesterday.
08.05.2012. 

Ancient History class.
I watched the clock drag its hands towards the 12. I didn’t know when you were to leave, but I knew it was the day. D-day. I clutched my phone, waiting for your call or your text. It never came. But at 12.48 midday, your sister informed facebook that  you had boarded your plane with 20 other recruits. You were officially off to Basic Training, Bootcamp. That day was a haze.
I cried that night. I cried for us, for you, for me, for our future. But most of all I cried because I knew this was the first of many many many separations. The first of airport kisses, “see you later”s, hugs, late night phone calls, weeks without contact, fights, arguments, distance. The first for distance.
And I didn’t know if we were ever going to be okay again. 

Looking back, those 2 years have gone faster than I thought it would. He tells me it’s gone slow, but to me, someone looking in … Its gone pretty fast. Of course during Bootcamp, it dragged on. Those three months were the longest I have ever experienced. And of course planning visits down to Wagga months in advanced, took ages to come around. But looking back over the 2 years as a whole, where did the time go?
Where did the last two years of my life go? Of his? Of our journey?

I have watched my handsome man go from strength to strength. I have witnessed him smile, laugh, cry, struggle and succeed in parts of his life he thought he would fail. I have been there to encourage, help, sometimes scold and most importantly, love him.  Everytime he has done me proud.

The last 2 years haven’t been a fairytale, far, far from it. We have argued, fought, cried and cursed each other.  We have hated and than loved each other over and over again. We have hurt and broken each other, just to save each other at the last moment. But we have struggled together. Supported each other. Laughed and laughed some more. We have shared some of the best, and worse, moments of our lives. We have hoped and believed together … And we have built something beautiful.

If you ever read this baby boy, know that I am so proud of you. I have and always will be.
Congratulations handsome. It has been an interesting two years.
Here’s to many more. I will always be right beside you, where ever the Air Force takes us.

Learning – He will Always Come Back.

Its amazing, and a little terrifying, that you still learn things about your partner even after being with them for years.

I have known my guy for 19 years and have dated him for almost 3 of them. And I am still discovering major things about him. One I learnt tonight. It’s something that has been a massive issue in our relationship and has created a lot of hurt in the past.

He goes through these “phases” (as he like to put it) where he will push me away and act incredibly distant. And when he acts like this I worry about his affections for me. I automatically think he doesn’t want me anymore, that he doesn’t love me and he wants to end “us”.
Because there is a big part of me that worries too much. Over thinks and over analyse things. I take things too personally and take on other people’s dramas when I have more than enough to worry about.

And, as far as he’s concerned, that isn’t the case at all. Just because he’s distant, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me. It means that somethings going on and I just need to wait for him to come back to me.

This week is a good example.
For exactly a week he’s been distant. He’s pushed me away. And when he pushes me away, even I find it hard to recognise it. He does it in such a way, my emotions get caught up in themselves and I over think every little thing. This whole week has been one big rough patch, I have felt awful … Three times this week I have cried myself to sleep, convinced I was losing him. After all he was showing all the signs; taking hours to reply to my text messages, or not replying at all. Not holding a conversation, when usually he’s the one to contact me first and keep a healthy, hilarious (or serious) conversation alive. Usually we’re talking every day for hours, or he’ll call me. Even the way he talked to me changed from “boyfriend” to “I can’t be bothered with you”.

And then tonight happened.
My mind had set its self on the idea that either he did not want me anymore or another girl was involved. I laid it all out on the table, waiting for him to confirm my fears.
Of course he didn’t. Because he’s not the type of guy.
Of course there wasn’t another girl.
And of course he didn’t want to end things.
He still didn’t tell me what was wrong until I dug just a little bit deeper.

“I always fail”
Me: What do u mean you always fail?!
“I always seem to let you down in the end.” 

That text and the few that followed from him almost broke my heart. I’m pretty sure a bit of it fell off.
He has always struggled with that and it’s been my job to reassure him that he’s wrong. And it hurt to see him wrestle with these thought tonight. But at the same time I learnt something new about him, about us.

He might go through these phases but it doesn’t mean anything. Its not personal. It doesn’t mean he hates me, or doesn’t want me anymore. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me or wants to end things. It simply means he’s working through something and I just need to have patience. Worrying isn’t going to help. Freaking out and demanding answers wont help either. Being there when he needs me, at the exact moment he needs me, will help, whether he wants it or not.

And most importantly, believing and knowing that he will come back to me. Because why not?
He has always come back to me, he has never left me … Not entirely.
The friendship, trust and the bond that has been built over the years has always carried us through.
Tonight I learnt that it’s stronger than what I give it credit for.

Distance

I had a girl look at me with sad eyes yesterday and utter those words,
“How do you DO distance?”

She couldn’t ever imagine being separated from her boyfriend for more than a night and she couldn’t ever believe how you survived distance. Those relationships were destined to fail.

I look at her with a small smile and shrugged,
“You don’t just DO distance. You adapt. You learn and you survive. Its what happens when the love of your life is away.” 

No one puts their hand up for distance, no one goes “Oh pick me!”
But when you fall in love with someone and they enlist, or when your heart lives in a different country, you learn to deal with it. Sure, it’s hard, it’s frustrating, annoying and heartbreaking at times. It’s a million things. You just learn to pick yourself up again and keep on going.

I wait. Months and months. It’s been 5 months since I’ve seen my boyfriend. And everytime he comes home on leave, its amazing. I will hold him close and spend every moment I can with him. Cherish the days and nights we’re able to be with each other. And then when it’s time for him to return to base, I let him go.
I give him a hug, a kiss and I whisper, “I’ll see you soon.”
And then I watch him board the plane.

Its not easy. The first lot of times I cried my eyes out as I walked back to the car, or in the shower that night, or later in the shopping center, or just randomly somewhere. But with each separation you get stronger, your partner gets stronger and so does your relationship. Until one day the “goodbyes” don’t take so much out of you, until one day you realise that you’ve adapted. You’ve grown and you’ve learnt.

Then, a month, a year, four years down the track you aren’t saying “goodbyes” anymore, you’re saying, “Goodnight.

That is what keeps you going. Hope. Faith. And love.