moving on

All posts tagged moving on

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Please Help Me!

Published April 1, 2014 by Tasha

I’ve been staying at my friend’s place for a few days now and she brought up a interesting idea as we were lying on the couch last night.

She asked if I had ever considered moving in or at least moving near Him. I looked up from my phone, my heart had sort of fumbled. Of course I’d thought about moving closer to him but Id never seriously thought about it. After all, wouldn’t he have asked if thats what he wanted?

Plus our relationship isn’t the most stable. We have broken up twice. Both times were out of the blue and things he could of come to me for. But instead he freaks out and throws in the towel.
He has been better this time around.

She brought up some really good points.

How it could relieve the stress and tension when he comes home. As he doesn’t want to let anyone down and just goes with the flow when he comes home, which ends up with only seeing me once or twice while he’s here. And that causes arguments.

  • I would be closer to him (I’d move to Darwin) .. About a 2/3 hour drive. Rather than a $600-800 (round trip) plane ride and a 3 hour drive, that I am currently
  • It will give us a more “normal” relationship. More “us” time and maybe a clearer view of where we want things to go.
  • I have always wanted to live in different places. Meet different people, travel around Australia a bit … If i was braver & I spoke the language I’d go study in Italy or Greece or Paris or something. But I have my horse and family in Australia.

It would be a good experience, even if I was to return after 6 months.
These are just some of the points we both came up with together. And then as I lay in bed, I also came up with ideas why it might not work so well.

  • The military changes. He’s meant to be there for 3-4 years. But they can chop and change orders, in a blink of an eye. What if I moved up there and then a few months later he got posted somewhere else? Melbourne? Sydney? Brisbane? And I’m still in Darwin.
  • I have my friends here. And even though I know my best friends will still be here and would visit, I would miss out on their lives.
  • I would miss out on my little sister growing up. She’s only 16.
  • What if Him and I didn’t work out?

I am thinking about this for me. I really am. It would be a good experience. But it would also mean I’d miss out on a lot of things. And as much as I would love to say He doesn’t have any influence over this decision, he does. I would be a fool to think I wasn’t also doing this to be closer to him, to strength our relationship.

Because right now, I can’t see any end to this distance. Its just one black tunnel that isn’t going to end anytime soon.
Lately I’ve just been thinking, why am I waiting 4, 5, 6 months at a time to only see this guy once or twice in the week he comes home? Only to repeat it over and over and over again.
It’s getting tiring.

And I know … Lots of people have it worse off then me. But if you had the power to change the distance between you and your loved one …. Wouldn’t you?

Advertisements

#10 – Letters to Him

Published October 11, 2013 by Tasha

To You Baby,

Last weekend was magical.
It was breathtaking, it was exciting, it was also heart breaking. When you wrapped your arms around me and I reached up on my tiptoes to nuzzle into your neck, I didn’t realise how much I’d missed you.
When I breathed in your familiar cologne, when I saw you walking briskly towards me in uniform, with that smile, I didn’t notice how much my heart had ached for you.

When I saw you, hugged you, heard your voice first hand for the first time in four months …. It took me completely by surprise when my eyes started pooling with tears. I blinked them away before you could notice and replaced it with a smile that only you can bring out, but it still hurt. Just a little and in a familiar happy way. It was the way I use to feel every time I’d fly down to see you after being apart for a few months. Bittersweet. I was seeing you again after waiting but I knew that our time would end and we would have to return to the waiting again.

Last weekend told me everything I needed to know. I know you felt the same way. Those moments when I would turn to you and you’d already be gazing at me. So soft, so kind, so gentle. Those times when you’d murmur my name in the middle of the night, or the times when you wouldn’t stop holding me.

The four months we spent apart, struggling, felt like an eternity but the 3 days we spent together felt like a second. And then it was time for the goodbye. The last hug, the last kiss, the last word before you turned your back and walked slowly back to your truck. I stood there and watched you for as long as I could. Then I got in my car and shut the door quietly, I punched the address into the GPS and started my journey back home.

This time I didn’t let myself cry. I took a deep breath, reminded myself I will see you in two months and started to drive. I must have replayed our few days together a thousand times over by the time I walked through my front door.
This time I made myself focus on my work, on the life I have here. The hopes, the dreams, the reality. And then, when it’s time to fall back into bed, I let my mind wander to you, to us, and I find myself smiling. I go to sleep with a distant smile on my lips.

I don’t recognise myself as your girlfriend, because I’m not. We’re not there. But neither do I consider myself as your friend. I know I’m that at the very least, in our darkest moments. I know that I’m considerably more than your friend. I’m your “person” just like you’re mine. It will always be that way with us. We will always have that bond, that connection, that somehow cannot be broken. No matter what happens to us now, in the future, “we” will never be completely broken. It’s comforting.

Thank you for such a perfect weekend. It’s one that I’ve needed for a long time. And even though the timing is all wrong right now, we still have each other. We have dragged each other through hell and back this year, but somehow we’ve come out of it okay. Both stronger, more mature …. More confident people.

So thank you baby, whatever the future holds for us … I know you’re going to be there. Just like I will be. Always.

Butterflies

Published September 24, 2013 by Tasha

In 9 days I will be seeing Him again.

Every time I think about it my heart stops … Or beats really fast. I don’t know. I’m half way between excited and down right nervous. And before you start asking questions, yes I am talking about my ex. No we aren’t together but we are working things out … Slow and steady.

In 8 days I will be packed and traveling to another state.

A road trip I have always wanted to take. It’s going to take 2 days and a nights stay in another state,  but for 3 days and 3 nights it will be all about Us. No family drama, no Uni drama, no drama. Just Him, me and a lot of time to catch up. Four months is a long time. Longer than we have ever gone before.
I’m taking a friend’s puppy down with me to his new home …. So it will be a long trip with just me, spring weather, open roads and a 14 week old puppy. I’m fairly sure I’m going to be tired as by the time I get to my destination but I will have time before he gets in. The only thing better would be if I could have organised it as a surprise. But it would of been impossible.

I can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling. I’m sitting at home alone with Gossip Girl running in the background, the dogs curled up next to me and the bird chatting away nosily. All i can think about is when I’ll see him walk through that door. I always think about those moments. When I used to fly down to him, i’d always think about what I would do/say when i saw him standing there, waiting for me. But it came naturally. The hellos, the first kisses and hugs ….The “see you soon”s … All came so naturally for us. I hope this time is the same. I hope I don’t freeze.

I have so many appointments set up and I’ve purposefully made the next 8 days the most busy so time doesn’t have the chance to drag by and torture me.

This post makes absolutely no sense … Bare with me, my head doesn’t make any sense either. All I want is the next week to hurry up and get here …. Waiting sucks.
And these butterflies are going to kill my insides! They need to be squashed.

Oh So Very Confused …

Published August 28, 2013 by Tasha

I’ve just come from my dancing class … It’s partner dancing and I had a great time. It was my first time there so I had no clue what I was doing, but I soon learnt to just get led by the guy.
During the breaks I was talking to my ex.
Yes that’s right …. Since my last post, about a day after, he sent me a message and we’ve been talking almost everyday ever since. Clearing things up and trying to build a new bridge. We’ve been getting friendlier and friendlier but I have made sure that I don’t get close enough to get hurt again. So when I received this piece of information I have no idea why it’s bothered me so much.

I can’t even remember how we got onto the topic, but he suddenly blurted out that he’d slept with someone else after we broke up. Bold and underline AFTER. He did not cheat on me.
But I cannot shake this feeling. I don’t know if it’s disappointment or sadness or what. But i just have a pile of questions swimming around in my head. Was she better than me? Prettier than me? Did she mean something to him? Or was it just a one night stand? Is it a reoccurring thing?
And i cannot understand why its bugging me so much. We have been broken up for months, true we have been trying to fix our situation but that does not give me any right to him and he doesn’t have any rights over me. We are both technically single and can do what we please.

It’s now 11:45pm and I’ve tossed and turned for over an hour. I can’t sleep. I’m not hurt by it, maybe I’m just shocked? When he told me my heart stopped and my blood seemed to run cold. I didn’t even register what i was reading, i just KNEW what it said. I wanted to be sick. I still want to be sick.

I wish I knew why I felt like this. It’s not like I’m in a ball crying my eyes out. I just feel …. Meh. That’s the best way i can explain it. Almost blank, but just with a slight sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, a slight ache to my heart.
Maybe I’m not as “over” him as I thought i was? Or maybe this is how you feel when you see or hear about the person who you loved being with someone else.

All I know is that it seemed to be a one time thing. That i still mean so much to him and he still wants to fix things between us, build new bridges. That should be enough, right?
So why do I feel like this every time I think about him with another girl?

Its going to be another long, sleepless night. Luckily I have tomorrow off from Uni and training.

Finally Behind Me

Published August 16, 2013 by Tasha

I sat down to do some study but ended up on here, writing this … I wonder how that happened?

I felt like I should write something that’s non-recipe, just a silly little update.

I went swimming (as in laps!) yesterday for the first time in years. My friend B and I jumped in the pool and I silently started freaking out, wondering if I’d actually remember how to swim properly. But sure enough as soon as I pushed off the wall (almost losing my bikini bottom) I remembered it all. I guess you can thank Squad training for that for most of my primary school years. We managed to swim for almost an hour but had to get out due to B’s eyes stinging. It was a lot more tiring than I remember it being, but it was a good work out. The ones where you get back in the car and can’t drive properly because your muscles are fatiguing.
They’re the good ones.

I have been okayish this week … With my eating, I mean. We had a massive show the half the population seems to go to happen this week. Bad idea when you’re trying to keep your food in check. There were stalls upon stalls with taste-testing. There were hundreds of show bag stalls and rides and games and …. I could go on forever! It was my first year this year and my mum and I went a little nuts. It’s amazing how much money you can spend in just a few short hours. We brought a whole heap of showbags and tasted a few things before heading to the Arena to see the fireworks, Rick Lee sing and watch the monster trucks and these awesome guys on the motor bikes do their stunts. It was a awesome night. They organised it so that the fireworks, laser lights and music were all in sync. Towards the end they even brought out these kites with sparklers at the end, tied to Quad bikes in time to the music.
It was a great show, something I’d go back to see.

Other than that it’s just been uni, work, training and exercise. Sometimes I looked at my timetable and don’t know how I’m going to do it. But I always do. And it’s amazed me to see how far I’ve come. When i posted those first few, heart broken posts to now.
Remember when I said, “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this year”?
Well here I am. Near the middle of August, only a short few months away from Christmas and another new year. It thrills and scares me too notice how much I’ve changed, how much I’ve grown, how broken I was but how I’m slowly putting myself back together.

And as for my ex? Well I guess that’s a old story now. As disappointed as that is, we hardly talk now. And maybe that’s how it was always meant to be, or maybe not. Maybe we just need this time apart. Who knows. But I do know that I’ve made it through without him. I made it through the unimaginable and I came out the other side (mostly sane!). It took months to realise, but I also needed to grow up. And that whatever happens between us I got the most beautiful, most amazing and breath-taking 21 months of my life with him. If that’s all I get for the rest of my life, I guess that’s okay. He was such a precious gift to me and even though it broke me in the beginning, I have learnt so much and I am thankful that I got to share the things I did with him.
I will forever love him for who and what he played in my life.

And you know what’s the best feeling? Knowing that the feeling of heartbreak is behind me. Sure, at times I miss him terribly. At times I wish with all my might that we end up together. But that new, fresh, sobbing-your-eyes-out-every-night feeling is behind me. It’s gone. It might be something that I’ll experience again, but at least I know I got through it.
For now, the bruised and battered part of my life is gone. Done and Dusted. It’s finally behind me.

Another one of those Updates

Published August 7, 2013 by Tasha

Every time I think about this my heart gives a little jump.
My ex and I have been talking on and off a little more lately (surprise, surprise), and out of the blue he told me that they were putting in their preferences. He then continued to tell me what bases he wanted to go to. His first preference was a base just 45 minutes away from me.
Home.
I don’t understand why he was telling me all this, I mean I like that he is. Not so I know what is going on with him, but just because its nice to know that he still wants to share things with me. But my heart jumps every time i think about him being here, permanently.
I’m not holding my breath though, I know how the Air Force works … They’ll send him where they need him. Only another few months until he graduates and we find out where he’ll be headed off to!

On another completely different note …. I have a Colour Run in early October! Its 5ks and every K there’s a colour powder that is thrown at you. It looks awesome. I have three of my close friends coming with me as well. Sigh. Everything about that trip is perfect. Its at the coast, in warm weather. So we’re going up the day before, staying at my parents hotel, going to the beach and being girls. Then the next day we’ll be up, running and getting covered in powder. After we’ll be going to the “After Party” …. I can’t wait.
Sorry for the blubbering, I’m just so excited! And it will also be another short term goal for my fitness and healthiness.

&& Just so you guys know, I’m starting up another little section here. If you don’t see it in the next couple of days, it means that my idea sucked and I deleted it … But I’m going to add another “category” for my fitness & health. As you can see, I already have my recipes up so now I’ll put up a fitness one.

I guess that’s all there is for now, in my own little world.
Keep your head up & you’re heart beating!

Change Up

Published July 24, 2013 by Tasha

This morning is a cold one. I don’t mean the type of cold where you shiver and throw on a jumper. No I mean the type of cold where it’s nearly impossible to get out of bed, where no matter what you do, or how long you soak in the shower you’re still cold. That skin biting, teeth chattering, icey floors feeling cold. So typically I stay in bed, when really I should be sitting in a lecture.

And instead of sitting in one of my psychology lecture’s I have been going through my blog. And all blogs are meant to have a theme right? Well we can all guess what mine is, the heartbreak and emotions throughout my break up. But as the heartbreak comes to a close and as the drama dies down, I find that I’ve become rather boring. During my pain I used to write well, but now that I have healed and I am in a better head space, my posts are dull and uninteresting.

So I’m changing it up a little. I’m still here to offer support and there will still be updates about my love life (or lack of one), whether or not my ex and I are going to make a go of “this” or not and life in general. But I’m adding in a healthy segment. Completely with workouts, recipes and my latest fitness disaster. Plus i need a motivation, so I thought if I tell you guys and then wind up sitting here, stuffing chocolate and chips into my mouth a few months later, someone on here will give me a boot up the ass.
RIGHT?

I’m always in need of a kick up the ass!
Until next time, keep your head up and your heart close.