new life

All posts tagged new life

Half – way There

Published July 28, 2014 by Tasha

I know, I know. Its been a while.
I haven’t forgotten you guys, I’m just incredibly busy.

We arrived at Tindal Saturday afternoon, the 19th. We were tired, annoyed, and over driving, over each other. We were totally and utterly sick of each other, or maybe that was just the exhaustion setting in.

My Ute decided to crap itself half- way there. In the middle of no where. With no phone reception.

The new shoxs that were put in after the car was serviced, completely exploded. As in the car was no drivable at all, and red stuff and bits of the shoxs flew everywhere. That lost us a day.
The Boy and I were frantically driving back and forth trying to get new shoxs. NO ONE had any in store and we would have to wait a day (at the least) to wait for them. This is after we (or should I saw he) drove the 4 hours to the nearest town, Mt Isa.

Neither of us had a good nights sleep, so we both woke up grumpy and tired. The next day wasn’t much better.
I had to make the 4 hour trip to the Ute in a car with a mechanic and then back again, by myself. I do not recommend it.

But. I am here now. Northern Territory. Darwin. My new “home”.
My dorm is finally all unpacked and everything is where it should be.
My beautiful horse is happy in his (extremely bare) paddock, and has enjoyed no week of exercise.
I am trying, and succeeding, to fit into Uni life and living on Campus. Its only my second week at this Uni, but I’m finding it really good.

The only thing that isn’t going well, is the Boy. I don’t know what’s  going on there, God knows I’ve tried to ask. He’s moody, touchy and just not his usual affectionate self.  After a few days of crying and trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong, convinced that he’s going to break up with me … I’ve now just settled into a calm space.
He’s having his moment and I just have to give him his space.

As my best friend said, this is a big change. Not only for me but for him. Having me a hell of a lot closer (only 3 hours car drive away) then a $800/$1000 4 hour plane trip away. So I’m letting him chill.
I am too busy for his shit right now. And until he wants to talk or tells me it’s over, everything is okay.

He will come around. He always does.

And you know what’s “funny”? I thought being closer to him would almost guarantee that i get to spend more time with him. Nope. Now I won’t be able to see him for a month + because of some sort of military exercise. Fuck.

As for me. I’m trying to fit in riding, Uni (study!!!), work (when i get it), gym, and soccer (just need to find a team). I’m not sure about the soccer, I’m not sure how much comittment it’s going to require. I know that I will have shows some weekends (next season) and other weekends I’ll be with the Boy.
Will i have time to attend their games as well?
But in saying that I really want to try.

Sorry this is such a mismatch post. I’m so tired.
It’s 10 to 11pm here and I’m yet to have a shower.
Ugh.

Advertisements

Time to Stop Running

Published June 19, 2013 by Tasha

After what has seemed like a life time … I have survived exam block. Finally, holidays are here and just in time.

Only part of me is able to celebrate, the other part of me is still left floundering. I have decided that these next four/five weeks are going to be devoted to getting my life in order. This week I received some very disturbing news that has tipped my world upside down and it’s something I can’t tell anyone. I have only been able to tell my family and my best friend, but other than that I can’t breathe a word in case the press catches wind of it.
And since the news, I have retreated into my bedroom with Gossip Girl and only emerging for food, showers and cuddles from my puppy. Honestly, I have been hiding. I don’t want to face my world right now.

Between the news and my ex … I’ve been feeling so lost. Before I got angry at him things were going so good, perfectly actually and now we’re not even talking. I know, I could just talk to him and I’m sure he’ll be happy enough to talk to me, but something is telling me not to. I’m not sure if its my pride or a gut instinct. I just wish he’d talk to me and let everything go back to normal. I miss him and the little progress we’d made.

I have been running away from my life and it has to stop now. The more I hide, the worse I feel. And I can’t do it anymore. I think part of the reason I’ve been hiding is because there are certain things I don’t want to let go of. I don’t want to reinvent my life because I’m still holding onto my past with my ex and the beautiful memory of my best friend who passed away. They were apart of the world I’m in right now and if I change it, even slightly, part of their memories and touch dies … A little. For weeks I haven’t wanted to deal with that.
But now I have to. I’m not happy with how I’m living, or the type of toxic people playing a role in my life right now. I’m not proud of the person I am becoming nor am I thrilled with how things are going right now. And I know I’m the only person who can change all of this.

It’s time to stop running away, no matter how painful the healing is going to be, and fix the mess I call my “life”.

Wish me luck.

Breathe … And Start Waking Away

Published February 24, 2013 by Tasha

I am going to quickly punch this out while I am still feeling strong … After my head hits that pillow, I’m going to fall apart.

As of a hour ago my ex is no longer in my life.
I said goodbye to him for good … Or at least until he gets his orders. I assume he will contact me when he gets his first post.

What brought this on, (yes I know this completely contradicts my last post and I am terribly sorry) is a text he sent while we were talking tonight.
A few days ago I told him that I need space. I need to walk away. I need him to stop talking to me for a year. He managed to change my mind. But tonight, he sent me a text that really cleared in all up for me. It was like a nice, big slap in the face. Exactly what i needed. He doesn’t have any feelings for me. He doesn’t care about me nor love me. He just wants to control me. He just wants to make sure I love him and no one else. That i stay waiting for him. No, he didn’t actually tell me this in those words, but that is what he meant by his text.
So I left it for a few hours, cooled off and talked to my mum about it.
Eventually I decided to let him go. I needed to set him free and in doing that it would set me free.

And it tore me apart.

Typing out and sending that text took every ounce of strength I had. And i am grateful that he is in bed right now and wont see the text until early tomorrow morning, because honestly I wouldn’t have the strength to resist him if he tried to reel me back in. Tears were streaming down my face as I typed it out, deleted it and then typed it out all over again. It took me almost two hours to type it out. Another half an hour to send it.
Talking to him, having this “hope”, after he broke my heart,shattered my world twice and broke so many promises he swore he’d never break, was slowly poisoning me.I have lost way too much weight. I haven’t been eating, sleeping or doing the things I love. I haven’t been me. And I need to be.

It has been so hard for me these past 2 months, since he walked away. My life was so tightly entwined with his that I was completely lost without him. My future was him. Every future I saw had him by my side. My future was tied closely with the defense force & when we broke up I didn’t know what to do. I was by myself, alone with no certain future. I was without him. And I wasn’t okay with that. But now I have to be. I have to live my own life.

I know that I have done everything I could and can. I fought for him to the point that I was becoming physically and emotionally ill. I have tried my hardest to keep us together and keep what we had alive. And i have tried to help him. I have sent him a few things in the mail that will, hopefully help him and kick start his healing. This is also to help him as much as it is to help me. He needs space. He needs to deal with his own emotions and feelings, he needs to process what has happened. No matter how much it hurts him.

He will always be special to me, and I miss him more than I would like to admit. But I am letting him go. My life isn’t tied to his anymore. He needs to achieve his dreams and so do I.

I just need to take a deep breath … And start walking.